British Uniform

(Thing of the past: it is hoped that the uniform will put a stop to class struggle.)

Trials for the new British Uniform are to go ahead today in Manchester despite wry looks from civil liberties groups.

The uniforms come in a wide variety of colours, including grey-1, grey-2 and navy blue, and cost £50 each.

The scheme is currently voluntary for British citizens, although foreign nationals are already required to wear the uniform at all times – waking and dreaming – and is expected to net the government up (or down) to ten million pounds. (Whether positive or negative ten million has yet to be announced.) If all goes well – and the press-releases have already been drafted suggesting that it will have done – the drab outfit will become law nationally in 2010.

“It’s crucial that you all do up your top button properly,” railed home secretary Jacqui Smith or Chris Grayling or whichever one its turn is to be Home Secretary today.

The other called it “neatness and tidiness gone mad,” although their own hands were “busy working overtime” under the desk, designing a special little hat to enforce when they get into office.

Lazy Man Completes Marathon by Accident

A Berkshire man, crippled by chronic laziness, was amazed to learn today that he’d completed a Marathon without realising he was running one. The gruelling race took just over 13 years to complete, and looks set to enter the Guinness Book of Records, although it is not yet known what for.

“I am immensely proud,” said the man. “But I could never have done it without my unwitting bravery and courage. It’s a tribute to the human spirit, I guess, and an inspiration to folk who haven’t achieved as much as I have. When I heard what I’d accomplished, it brought a tear to my eye. I think I might have the heart of a lion, or something. That’s the only way I can account for it. I’m not normally an amazing person, but this 13 years just seems to have brought out the best in me.”

Asked if the event had raised anything, the man said, “I certainly hope so. That would be nice.”

Police Request More Time to Question Consciences over G20 Death

(The disembodied head of a masked Terror Police contemplates its actions; note painted monster-design to intimidate news-crews.)

Police have been granted more time to question their own consciences over the death of a bystander in the G20 protests of this April 1st after initial enquiries drew a blank.

Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus granted the request as police submitted that, almost one month on, they still fail to grasp the seriousness of the attack which left a human man dead.

“In complicated cases like these,” said the judge, “there can be literally hundreds of hours of soul-searches to conduct. Credos and raisons-d’être need to be assessed, and sometimes even reassessed. We are still in the early years of the inquiry, and many of the officers involved are just too psyched up to care.”

But Police Complaints Czar, Sir [NAME UNAVAILABLE, NUMBER COVERED UP] called it “trial by media,” saying, “This would all have been a tragic accident if it hadn’t been seen.”

“We have yet to appreciate the wrong,” conceded a spokespolice for the Queen’s Royal Metropolitans and City, anonymous under his balaclava mask and ritual scarring. “The investigation is still at an early stage though, and we hope to make a moral breakthrough in the near future. Till then, who can blame us for circulating slanders about our enemies the British people?”

Giant Banker Loose in York

(Artist’s expression of what the fiend ought to look like.)

York town centre has been cordoned off and a gunnel put on high alert this evening after eagle-eyed shoppers spotted a gigantic banker alternately relaxing and letting off steam.

A thousand residences have been evacuated, and some hundred more burnt to the ground in an effort to contain the beast, while local farmers stampeded suicide-heifers at it.

Asked whether this desperate tactic had worked, they said they couldn’t tell.

“But probably not.”

According to eye-witnesses, the banker spent some time strolling around the old town, earning perks and emoluments as he took in York’s scenic ambience, before sipping a sort of brown coffee with white bubbles in it at Starbuck’s Coppergate. (Starbuck herself was unavailable for comment, as she was having a another flashback episode, due to insufficient Cylons.) Then he had a ride on a riverboat.

Later, young Vikings from Jorvik Viking Centre reported seeing the dreadful bloodsucker actually smiling.

“It was a chilling sight,” said Viking Hildr Ásgerðardóttir.

“He certainly seemed to be enjoying himself,” agreed her foster-brother, mischievous Viking Slengr Friðason, “after the way of his kind.”

When asked whether they’d seen any of the nation’s wealth being frittered away on the monster, the Nordic rapscallions said they couldn’t be sure.

“I did think I saw something being frittered away one time,” Hildr suspected, “but it might just have been a cup-cake. Oh, and he threw some herceptin to the ducks.”

Antiterror police said they’d had the banker in their sights several times already before it got dark, “but couldn’t shoot him, because the crosshairs kept getting in our way.”

However, it has been further revealed – in a mixture of shock scoops and exclusives – that the banker, who is believed to be a chairman of banks, earned somewhat more than newspaper bosses during the hours of his rampage, a fact that papers are describing as “obscene”.

They were joined in their condemnation of the creature by the Prime Minister, who said that all monsters’ salaries should be cut, “at least to those of a Prime Minister. More than that just doesn’t seem right,” as he draughted a range of cash incentives for the Thing, to win it over to the idea.

Meanwhile the behemoth shows no sign of going into meltdown. But police say it is vital that the usurious gargantua be apprehended before next week’s royal visit to York.

“We were all so looking forward to meeting Her Majesty,” York Mayor, Carnivalia Radon-Radion yearned. “It would be a shame if She were to be inconvenienced by a colossal parasite.”

US Scientists Solve All Mysteries

Scientists from the USA have solved a criminal mystery that had the scientific and legal communities in an uproar of puzzlement for over five hundred years, and then solved more, and more...

The team of military scientists, working at the US’s prestigious naval institute of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, made the discovery and the other discoveries late last night, “after a particularly gruelling session.”

“We were actually investigating a completely different crime, actually,” the scientists said, speaking as one, “the cowardly suicide-attacks that destroyed the Word Trade Center and the unprovoked madness that damaged one wall of the headquarters of the most powerful military force on earth. But in the course of that one, we developed special investigative techniques that didn’t amount to torture, and, to our surprise, horror and delight, the riddles kept getting solved. By daytime, we realised that the enemy individuals whom the Holy Lamb has blessed into our custody had confessed not only to those evil attacks, but that they were the abductors of Lord Lucan and had killed Cock Robin and the Princes in the Tower and the Lindbergh baby, personally, all 698 of them.”

The scientists denied that any dirt had got onto their multiplying lenses though, and were adamant that their “ideas... methods...” had not become unsound.

“Above all, I’d like to reassure the public that we did not give in to the temptation to be God,” the chief scientist said, mumbling eloquently from behind his black leather science-mask.

Senior Police Officer Apologises for Terror Costume

A senior police officer provoked outrage in terror circles this week, and been widely castigated by extremists, after attending a fancy dress fair in fancy dress.

“When I saw the pictures of Grampound village fete on BBC Spotlight, I thought I was beside myself!” terror supremo Osama bin Laden fumed. “The flowing robes are a slap in the manhood to everything the Mujahideen are trying to achieve with their courageous attacks on passers-by, and the rubber mask seemed to imply that at least one Briton remains uncowed by my terrible visage. How can this be? Am I not awful?”

Other terrorists have called for a full investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission, no matter the cost, and demanded that Britons stop being so fun-loving and dauntless, especially at carnivals, “which traditionally act as a sort of societal safety-valve, being a time of sombre reflection, a sacred space where we can all obey mindless rules for a change.”

“Common sense is irrelevant,” agreed terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri, speaking through the mainstream press. “We have a right to know why British men don’t respect us. After all, we are very fearsome, and have the magical powers of God on our side. We will surely destroy you all.”

Chief Superintendent Colin Terry, who made his tactless gaffe in front of 1000 largely indifferent Cornish folk, has apologised unconditionally to the terrorist world, and promised and to pay all due deference to rage-filled fanatics in future.

Braggarts Heavily-Armed Sexual Supermen, Survey Reveals

It’s something braggarts have known for a long time, but now scientists have shown that it really does pay to be a loudmouth buffoon.

Boffins at Fleet Street University, London, found that, when it comes to mating and weaponry, average men have nothing on bigmouthed braggadocios. The survey showed that braggarts are twice as likely as their peers to be armed to the teeth with knives and grenades, as well as having fantastic sex with lots of well fit chicks. According to the findings, boasters are able to keep going all night long, and are generally considered fantastic lovers.

They also know where to acquire a massive arsenal of deadly weapons, including any kind of guns or knives you care to prompt them about, and have been doing well hard drugs from a slightly younger age than even you dared imagine. Many have been doing such hard drugs for so long, that they’ve actually forgotten the effects of them.

Most alarming of all, egotistical blatherskites tend to be above average intelligence and are able to run rings around non-braggarts, both in the workplace and in the bedroom.

They can have you “any day,” the scientists say.

The survey of 35 000 self-obsessed gum-beaters and blowhards asked subjects where they ranked on a ‘dark triad’ of dangerously alluring traits.

“We were surprised at how highly they all rated themselves,” the poindexters revealed. “Interestingly, they also scored highly on personality tests for lying, telling fibs and telling great whoppers – although it’s not yet clear what use such skills would have for a charismatic machete-owning teen with the genital dimensions of a shire horse.”

Although the study was based entirely on local ‘yobbos’, “we just know that our results are universal across all cultures. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you that.”