tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75615643064435485612011-09-12T15:34:14.297+01:00Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.comBlogger1641100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-84401926870758134202010-10-08T17:15:00.004+01:002010-10-08T17:21:45.531+01:00

Crows circle. Smut-flecked blusters carry the screams. Human flesh rises in goose-pimple salute. I clutch my electrical item and join the queue.For a time, the great bonfire retches smoke, obscuring its innards though not their hungry crackle. The wind off North Ghoul Heath sends fumes at a ground-hugging gallop into the wall of spectators who serenade them with ugly coughs. Someone is

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-76947549390151250732010-10-07T10:36:00.003+01:002010-10-07T10:41:58.460+01:00

(Recommended response.)In a move sure to endear them, rich men today have declared common cause with you lot.“We’re all in this mess together,” rich men announced. “Yes, there will be pain, but--in a way--we’ll all be feeling it. Certainly at some level it will register.”While acknowledging that you may not be best pleased with having to fund their privilege, the rich men suggested you direct

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-20154695060370740322010-10-07T10:22:00.006+01:002010-10-08T20:44:36.492+01:00

(Britain’s warlike prowess.)No word yet from shy British Prime Minister, Mr. X (as the ‘Press’ have dubbed this enigmatic gent) following Saturday’s leak in the Mail-on-Sunday of up to twenty future gaffes and slip-ups.The internationally damaging faux pas were scheduled to be made over the next ten years at venues ranging from meetings with important--but excitable--allies, to keynote

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-89076660788449669412010-07-16T04:26:00.011+01:002010-07-16T05:08:51.584+01:00

Dashing new Prime Minister David Cameron today quashed rumours of nuance in the world and refuted the ability of the human psyche to operate on more than one level at once.“We live in a word of absolute good and evil,” said Mr. Cameron. “Some things are good. Some things are bad. It’s as simple as that.“Bad people do bad things. They’re not really people; they’re monsters. Good people do good

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-59681359573576499602010-06-07T01:33:00.001+01:002010-06-07T01:36:50.342+01:00

As more details about his rampage emerge, it appear Cumbrian gunman Derrick Bird may have been motivated by an exceptionally tough form of tough love towards colleagues and bystanders. It is also suspected that some of the 52-year-old’s murders were tough decisions, while others may have been demonstrations of strong, stable leadership that simply became too strong, but not stable enough, over

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-22145014970878438132010-05-02T12:50:00.004+01:002010-05-02T13:03:31.692+01:00

Over 66% of party leaders think the British People are “more style than substance.” 33% believe voters should take more responsibility for heckles, or at least frame their ill-conceived non-sequiturs into a semblance of coherence. Well over half the leaders polled said voters were too easily swayed by rivals, while a clear majority wish voters would “just go away.”Ratings for doddery xenophobes

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-7713668582222833182010-01-08T00:34:00.013Z2010-01-08T01:17:29.086Z

Amid fears that the Jordanian mole who killed seven CIA agents in a suicide blast last week may have been a “much higher order of agent than even we suspected”, CIA operatives are to receive an anti-infiltration mnemonic for identifying traitors in the field.“It’s a very complex problem, knowing who to trust,” said Black Hat Spy, one of the world’s top spies. “Double and triple agents are dicey

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-69278302207251920062009-11-15T06:24:00.004Z2009-11-25T23:42:23.097Z

(Last year, Prince Charles apologised to the great-grandchildren of Edwardian orphans who were dressed as bees and made to pollunate flowers in the grounds of Windsor Castle.)Child migrants in British prisons and detention centres have welcomed PM Gordon Brown’s apology to the child migrants of a previous century.Under the Child Migrants Programme, some 7 000 children were sent to Australia, but

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-76866604120526737602009-09-02T01:17:00.006+01:002009-09-22T00:17:55.211+01:00

Confidential documents, leaked out today, show that ministers only approved much of the infrastructure of Kent, England, as part of an agreement with Libya.The documents show that ministers initially tried to exclude Kent from the deal, saying that it was, “Just a little county.” But in September 2007, Services Secretary Lord Caramadoc told barons that the pariah shire, “did not want to be

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-74955933180027255882009-08-27T16:25:00.013+01:002009-09-22T00:22:27.332+01:00

News scientists at Fleet Street University have discovered a remarkable new function on calculators which looks set to revolutionise. The function is believed to map the Cartesian product of the reals and the reals excluding zero onto the reals. Its symbol is described as “something like a horizontal line with one dot above it and one below.”“It’s an amazing operation,” one boffin raved. “It

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-36593607753899526352009-08-19T17:11:00.004+01:002009-08-19T17:18:44.481+01:00

In a move which many will see as treason, the Times Newspaper of London has promised to seriously consider dropping its scare quotes in all references to substantiated torture – by the year 3001.“This is our current policy when mentioning torture generally,” said editor Elbereth Mitchell, “except where the ugly deeds have been carried out by agents of one recently ousted regime in an allied

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-76413135083665282052009-08-19T17:05:00.003+01:002009-08-19T17:27:26.734+01:00

Quit smoking (spitting, picking your nose, making racist remarks etc.) and earn money! Learn the surprising secret of earning over $33 000 a month simply by kicking noxious habits. How? Read more (or suffer ten years bad luck).Unsolicited merchantising getting on your nerves? Sell it all for cash, cash, cash!Love God and earn! Win Real Cash Prizes for adoration of the Divine Lord Christ.

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-4236161990255826472009-05-11T07:33:00.007+01:002009-09-22T00:24:46.153+01:00

(Thing of the past: it is hoped that the uniform will put a stop to class struggle.)Trials for the new British Uniform are to go ahead today in Manchester despite wry looks from civil liberties groups.The uniforms come in a wide variety of colours, including grey-1, grey-2 and navy blue, and cost £120 each, plus VAT.The scheme is currently voluntary for British citizens, although foreign

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-41954269855929146732009-05-11T07:23:00.007+01:002009-05-11T14:45:15.925+01:00

A Berkshire man, crippled by chronic laziness, was amazed to learn today that he’d completed a Marathon without realising he was running one. The gruelling race took just over 13 years to complete, and looks set to enter the Guinness Book of Records, although it is not yet known what for.“I am immensely proud,” said the man. “But I could never have done it without my unwitting bravery and

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-71135496317211622472009-04-23T18:08:00.008+01:002009-04-23T19:38:03.451+01:00

(The disembodied head of a masked Terror Police contemplates its actions; note painted monster-design to intimidate news-crews.)Police have been granted more time to question their own consciences over the death of a bystander in the G20 protests of this April 1st after initial enquiries drew a blank.Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus granted the request as police submitted that, almost one

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-58312486351409066212009-03-09T07:01:00.013Z2010-09-26T07:15:06.433+01:00

(Artist’s expression of what the fiend ought to look like.)York town centre has been cordoned off and a ginnel put on high alert this evening after eagle-eyed shoppers spotted a gigantic banker alternately relaxing and letting off steam.A thousand residences have been evacuated, and some hundred more burnt to the ground in an effort to contain the beast, while local farmers stampeded

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-61705292481499622222009-03-09T06:55:00.002Z2009-03-09T07:01:27.352Z

Scientists from the USA have solved a criminal mystery that had the scientific and legal communities in an uproar of puzzlement for over five hundred years, and then solved more, and more...The team of military scientists, working at the US’s prestigious naval institute of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, made the discovery and the other discoveries late last night, “after a particularly gruelling session.”

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-39952578338349112242008-09-11T13:54:00.011+01:002008-09-11T14:17:33.312+01:00

A senior police officer provoked outrage in terror circles this week, and been widely castigated by extremists, after attending a fancy dress fair in fancy dress.“When I saw the pictures of Grampound village fete on BBC Spotlight, I thought I was beside myself!” terror supremo Osama bin Laden fumed. “The flowing robes are a slap in the manhood to everything the Mujahideen are trying to achieve

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-12217916417120097592008-07-01T21:58:00.010+01:002009-05-11T07:55:57.146+01:00

It’s something braggarts have known for a long time, but now scientists have shown that it really does pay to be a loudmouth buffoon.Boffins at Fleet Street University, London, found that, when it comes to mating and weaponry, average men have nothing on bigmouthed braggadocios. The survey showed that braggarts are twice as likely as their peers to be armed to the teeth with knives and grenades,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-76548467844319009602008-06-25T16:28:00.009+01:002008-06-26T12:23:48.009+01:00

Soldiers of the Queen’s Royal 2nd Grenadiers and Gloucestershires will be fighting an entire battle starkers next week to raise money for victims of NATO bombing raids and light-hearted punishment beatings.The battle, which is expected to commence at dawn next Tuesday, will be “one hell of a firefight,” said Sergeant Barry ‘Bazza’ Barrycentre.“It’s gonna start with our boys being ambushed on

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-81242797115139156992008-06-25T15:18:00.005+01:002008-06-25T15:47:14.160+01:00

Pupils and teachers at Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, will be holding their breath today in a courageous bid to stave off all climate change, good and bad.There’ll be purple faces all round at Morgan, Morgan, Morgan & Morgans & Partners LLP, Brighton, as the personal injury solicitors stop dispensing free legal advice for sixty seconds of much needed environmental first aid.Staff at Walmart,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-22524034683554398542008-06-10T10:37:00.005+01:002008-06-10T11:42:56.327+01:00

The British Bludgeoners’ Association is to speak to school children in a unique pilot scheme designed to combat knife crime.“A hefty blow to the temples or a few good wallops on the top of the head is every bit as effective as a stabbing,” said Sir Burt Whack, Chief Bludgeoner for Norfolk. “I think these days, in our world of gee-wiz gadgets and instant gratification, we sometimes seem to forget

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-63953700665713852462008-06-10T10:11:00.005+01:002008-06-10T11:14:49.505+01:00

A three-day emergency session of the UN, called in response to the worsening food crisis, ended in triumph today, with delegates reaching unprecedented agreement on where fault lay.The presidents and generalissimos from every nation, creed and colour met in Rome to discuss space-rocketing living costs. Pundits had expected long-standing feuds to stymie them. However, even the bitterest of

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-6592225671582185112008-06-04T12:21:00.012+01:002008-06-10T11:16:29.902+01:00

Following a proud family tradition, Prince William, or Doctor Wales as he’ll be known during his week as an ophthalmic surgeon, began his medical career today – with one small hiccup.With all cameras trained on him, the future king attempted to slice cleanly through the trabecular meshwork of a patient’s eye, only to slip with his monogrammed, silver scalpel, tearing right through the

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-46834196641004054982008-06-03T07:00:00.009+01:002009-08-13T07:16:26.174+01:00

A burglar has been asked to repay money he took from thousands of households in the Britain area and apologise for netting it in raids. Police told the 50 year old serial robber to please, please pay it back, or face even sterner reminders.But the thief, whom some have described as a “Director General among home invaders,” is reportedly sanguine.“New technology has been introduced since the

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-13005859114303809032008-06-02T16:13:00.016+01:002008-06-03T10:55:33.992+01:00

Following distinguished army careers last week, Princes William and Harry are to become doctors today, palace sources have announced.Prince William, the elder and therefore more important prince, has just completed a crash course at London’s Royal Medical College. Remarkably, the hardworking heir managed to gain his ophthalmic surgeon’s licence in just four days; it takes a common student four

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-69454418199939453722008-05-22T09:13:00.008+01:002008-05-27T04:54:03.526+01:00

The Vatican has called for a ban on the baking of Jaffa Cakes. Bishop Golosità di Dolci, president of the Pontifical Academy for Afters and Dainties said that the orange-flavoured confectionary is an affront to human dignity.“The dignity of Man is compromised and offended by the creation of these monstrous treats,” the Bishop said. “Individual foodstuffs have not been respected by bakers,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-4728426026352678012008-05-22T05:28:00.009+01:002008-05-22T09:32:58.568+01:00

(Supersize me! Very occasionally a superhead will go ‘bonkers’, swell up badly, and start haemorrhaging positivity all over the town.)Following the success of superheads at turning around all failing schools in Britain at least once on their main axis, the government is to extend the scheme to failing states.If all goes well, and leader-writers are okay with it, the plan could see small

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-25890429913768736112008-05-20T05:52:00.006+01:002008-05-20T09:48:42.341+01:00

The government is to bring in new laws making it a criminal offence to look askance at soldiers and impose stiff penalties on those convicted of distaining bomber pilots with their brows.The legislation, which is not representative of a ‘Nanny State’, is among 400 new measures in a scheme designed to curb contempt for service personnel. If trials prove successful, say ministers, it could be

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-79147422504365901952008-05-07T05:59:00.012+01:002008-05-21T03:21:27.511+01:00

Up to 80% of CCTV footage seized by police is of such poor quality that it is virtually unwatchable, say detectives.“Character development is haphazard, dialogue less than sparkling, and the pacing all over the place,” disclosed Detective Inspector Lomax Coriolis to startled fans. “Some footage doesn’t even have a dénoument, let alone a clearly defined six-act story structure.”“It’s an utter

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-8928045273530389292008-05-04T23:21:00.006+01:002008-05-13T06:36:33.442+01:00

Astronomers at Baluchistan National Observatory, searching for evidence of God’s glory, got more than they bargained for today when they discovered an insulting comment about the Deity formed from strands of the microwave background radiation that pervades the universe.The radiation, which bathes the cosmos, is thought to mark the aftermath of the Big Bang. Mujahideen scientists at the

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-14661650578451789342008-05-04T18:26:00.011+01:002008-05-22T11:47:24.774+01:00

It has emerged that the BBC was unable to cover a major event last year after reporters missed their train and couldn’t be there in time for the evening news.According to crews, the event was one that affects us all and would have been a gargantuan scoop.“But we simply weren’t there to stand outside the house where it occurred, 10 hours earlier, to speculate about it live,” sobbed chief reporter

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-32799734689480478802008-05-03T01:44:00.015+01:002008-05-03T14:40:28.374+01:00

(You heinous chancers.)Two chancers have been convicted today of attempting to blackmail an unnamed member of the royal family. The chancers threatened to reveal that the royal, who has no name, regularly extorts a portion of every Briton’s livelihood on the pretext that he is distantly related to an 11th century invader.Speaking in grave tones, Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus warned the

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-55483532855173896932008-04-29T15:58:00.018+01:002008-04-29T16:56:06.525+01:00

Anti-terror mediums are to question the phantom of Leonardo da Vinci tonight in the basement of London Police Station over blueprints for a 500 year-old plot of terror.The polymath’s spirit stands accused of designing Weapons of Mass Destruction more centuries before their time than is proper, and of having the mental capacity to imagine many more. Plans include a terror submarine – in the form

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-72529990672131706392008-04-28T16:29:00.017+01:002008-04-28T22:20:28.309+01:00

(Megiddo Hill, reportedly quiet today after the suspected Day of Reckoning.)The heavenly authorities have yet to comment on rumours that “end-times-like” events which came to pass yesterday were meant to be Doomsday.Although there is still no word from Paradise concerning yesterday, some faithful maintain that the portents, which included half a dozen resurrections and a small rain of blood, were

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-66326614647933721692008-04-27T15:46:00.011+01:002008-04-28T13:29:06.759+01:00

Prison officers, police and teachers are among the public-sector workers alleged to have carried out surreptitious industrial action this year.The clandestine walkouts, which only came to light as ministers were sorting through old bills to see what to put in the manila bin for recycling tomorrow, are believed to have occurred over the course of several months, and to have cost the British

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-21460146650245382522008-04-27T15:36:00.010+01:002008-04-28T22:15:29.879+01:00

(Get back in your place! Workers cautioned not to think too far ahead.)Billionaire Jim Ratcliffe, Chairman, CEO and main shareholder of the third largest privately owned chemical firm in the world, has accused staff at Grangemouth Refinery, Scotland, of “playing God with me” for not accepting his offer of pension cuts for children and children’s children.A spokes-wraith for INEOS, whose core

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-58362775949193523992008-04-25T23:18:00.010+01:002008-04-26T02:51:12.936+01:00

Research consisting of literally hundreds of detailed studies from the 1930s to the present has been refuted today by a bloke.According to the bloke, who is a normal bloke, the findings, amassed by researchers at the forefront of their fields in some of the world’s leading institutes and universities, and published in the most highly regarded peer-review journals of their day, are

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-40940275651041734372008-04-25T15:58:00.018+01:002008-04-26T02:56:11.361+01:00

Lorries in the Cambridge area are being searched this morning in a co-ordinated hunt for refugees from a benighted era. According to police, a large group of Jews, sodomites and women were seen near the village of Great Shelton, Cambridgeshire, apparently fleeing the Middle Ages.“It’s imperative that we track them down and that villagers do not attempt to succour them,” cautioned constabulary

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-54129124114973194802008-04-24T16:31:00.009+01:002008-04-25T16:18:05.114+01:00

(Tra-la-li-lallie: scientists frolic in a moonlit clearing to celebrate the approach of a deadline.)Millions of man-hours, and billions of man-pounds, are lost each week in Britain due to good health, shocking statistics in a report out today reveal.“When employees wake up of a morning to find themselves feeling pretty much okay, they often feel obliged not to call in sick,” said the report’s

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-56130817161914679112008-04-23T15:41:00.010+01:002010-02-15T08:52:32.305Z

Following months’ of speculation, strategists at America’s prestigious Westpoint Institute for Military Sciences, Virginia, have unveiled their new doctrine for the 21st century.“According to the Cheney Doctrine, which till now has set the benchmark for doctrines, invasions are best accomplished with a minimum of troops, and little or no afterthought,” said Professor Sir General Conan

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-85043344047934346272008-04-23T14:17:00.003+01:002008-04-23T14:31:12.993+01:00

(The crawl-stroke leg thrash: Britain’s Olympic swimmers practice their moves as they look forward to the completion of the country’s first actual pool.)Sport-dancer Jonathan Overman has lost his chance to boogie for Britain at the Olympic Games in Beijing after testing positive for a controlled substance: his own DNA.The British Olympic Association has confirmed that the 22 year-old will not be

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-62510892035768108422008-04-22T13:18:00.007+01:002008-04-22T13:44:20.809+01:00

Novice satirists who fail to grasp the concept of bulimia, perhaps confusing it with the condition of anorexia nervosa, have been advised to return to drawing big ears on politicians as a fool-proof form of cheeky ridicule.“Big ears are a charming way of poking fun at the lawmaker of your choice,” said satire gurus. “And what’s more, you needn’t know a thing about your target or their foibles,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-66794133096170938102008-04-21T15:50:00.009+01:002008-04-21T19:44:55.025+01:00

(Electricity is your friend.)Police have admitted that mistakes were made in a crime-scene reconstruction that got out of hand, resulting in the deaths of two actors and the mutilation of a passer-by. The reconstruction was the latest attempt to inject new life into the hunt for popular local murder the Walsingdene Ripper, but – claim locals – was marred by overenthusiastic performances, and a

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-71238933763614396102008-04-21T15:42:00.007+01:002008-04-21T18:12:08.482+01:00

Colombian volcano Nevado de Huila has apologised to vulcanologists for its failure to erupt as promised. The 5 400 metre snow-capped peak pleaded diminished responsibility for the diminished activity which resulted in a lowering of its alert status from red to orange.“I’m so sorry,” the coy caldera told a gathering of incensed vulcanologists, seismologists, geologists and disaster contingency

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-46651180099577669732008-04-21T13:41:00.003+01:002008-04-21T13:43:52.184+01:00

Elephants Mungo and Dionysius, from Ngorongoro Conservation Area, Tanzania, are to strike each other repeatedly about the cheeks and foreheads tonight in London’s Royal Albert Hall in an effort to raise awareness.Tickets for the pachyderm punch-up, the aim of which is to raise awareness of something, have already sold out three times over, and rumour is rife that the brawl of the big-uns will be

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-17028187684401184572008-04-19T20:00:00.017+01:002008-05-03T14:38:53.070+01:00

The name of the royal at the centre of a blackmail scandal accidentally slipped out in court, as hamfisted lawyers struggled to manhandle the judicial name-basket onto its golden stand for the fifth day of a trial that has cost the British taxpayer three fighter jets, 20 000 man-hours of lying still in Marbella, half a winter minute of net life expectancy, and one good night’s sleep.The mystery

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-21679001631028332922008-04-19T00:20:00.015+01:002009-08-13T07:46:08.387+01:00

Popular constellation Taurus the Bull appeared in court today charged with inciting youths born under its influence to “several hot-headed acts.”The 3 000 year old sign, whose gemstone is emerald, and whose ritual colours are mauve and pale green, showed no emotion as it stepped up to the witness box, only speaking to confirm its name and plead not guilty to a string of influencings allegedly

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-32411773763848598902008-04-18T22:25:00.010+01:002008-04-19T13:02:34.897+01:00

(A diminutive, heavily camouflaged US marine attempts to live off the land, after coming under fire from sea-trolls in Iraq’s notorious Anbarfjord parish.)After much speculation, a triumphant President Bush announced his exit strategy for Iraq today: call it Iceland.“Yip, we’s a-doned it!” hallooed the elated Commander-in-Chief boldly, firing into the air as if a great weight had been lifted from

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-63406238024309358962008-04-18T19:55:00.007+01:002008-04-19T10:46:43.201+01:00

Pelagians, Semipelagians, Lollards and Ebionites have joined in praising Pope Benedict XVI’s address to the UN General Assembly today.Cathars and Monophysites too expressed their support for the Bishop of Rome’s call for tolerance, while Manicheans, Cerinthians and Albigensians extolled the eloquence of the 181 year-old pontiff as he demanded peace from member states, and respect for all

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-78311492956786846942008-04-16T22:14:00.017+01:002008-04-16T23:47:36.683+01:00

Small-town Americans reacted angrily this week to Barack Obama’s claim that bitterness over job-losses has driven them to hate.“Nope, that ain’t the reason,” said the God-fearing halfwits. “We’s just mean sumbitches.”Guns, religion and “good ole xenophobie” have acquired a something of a tarnished image in the US, in recent years, following a string of well-publicised “overdoin’s”, but are “a

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-5698397787915509432008-04-14T23:03:00.005+01:002008-04-15T12:34:13.909+01:00

A new video rejoinder from terror supremo Osama bin Laden has come to light in a hollow tree outside Al Jazeera offices in Qatar.In the cedar-borne invective, Bin Laden appears with boot-black in his beard and a slightly scuffed robe. After several whoops, and a spell of capering up and down a hillside and shooting into the air, he admits to mistakes in earlier attacks, and a lack of adequate

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-57084873589446199642008-04-14T17:48:00.010+01:002008-04-19T10:53:14.248+01:00

Today sees the launch of a unique scheme to help terrorists “get it out their system” by training with the Royal Air Force.According to Defence Secretary Shatseput Soubriquet, radicalised youths from all over the world will be training alongside some of the best in the business.“Terror CadetsTM is a way to give something back,” she said.“It’s a perfect opportunity for the dedicated fanatic in

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-71369010764013788112008-04-14T14:15:00.013+01:002008-04-14T17:18:12.072+01:00

(I’m a buzzard, get me out of here.)The government’s keynote strategy for the environment was in disarray this morning after a leading buzzard called for its own extinction.The graceful scavenger, who cannot be named for fear of poachers, pledged its unending hatred towards ecologists and buzzard fans.“I’d rather see my entire species exterminated than live another sun-around the British

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-6815244805907386642008-04-13T17:25:00.010+01:002008-05-05T03:52:58.170+01:00

Church leaders and rogue prophets alike are calling for caution today after a study revealed that Bibles are mutating at an alarming rate.Of one thousand Bibles collected in England and Wales over the past year, a little over half were found to deviate significantly from the text as published in the first century A.D.Of 659 ‘bad Bibles’ examined, approximately five hundred appeared to have grown

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-106032055254744812008-04-10T08:13:00.013+01:002008-05-20T06:47:02.531+01:00

(Before training it could have been as much as 200, by some estimates...)The MOD has defended its deployment of a child soldier in Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand Province, in the face of mounting accusations that the astute minor bore the brunt of intellectual duties for the division.The child, who has not been named in spite of a barrage of baptisms and no less that three separate attempts at

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-58163585151172642162008-04-08T12:52:00.023+01:002010-01-08T02:07:44.145Z

(Artist’s impression of the computer’s last known thought process.)BEIJING: Senior party officials in China’s communist government are keeping a low profile today following reports that the giant computer used to generate Dalai Lama insults has gone astray.The 900-ton bamboo mainframe was not in its calculating hall at the heart of Beijing’s Forbidden City, and did not answer when called. It has

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-38582250124725715782008-04-06T11:14:00.012+01:002008-04-18T20:16:03.775+01:00

(Two faced: many bought masks to hide their shame.)Memory Minister Gandolph Standish has defended his decision to acquire a £20 000 pea and charge it to the taxpayer.Standish, who was appointed head of the prestigious Ministry of Thoughts and Memories last year, bought the Tesco shelled garden pea from farmers after spotting it on a grass verge, but only recollected the leguminous bargain

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-91052550851590418732008-04-05T11:11:00.006+01:002008-04-25T18:15:55.331+01:00

A number of prominent figures have come out in support of the controversial remarks of Aggravations Minister John Haulm, misquoted last week in The Sunday Paper, about French hats.Prime Minister John Brown called the beret, which is designed to cover the hair and upper head of a Frenchman, “a mark of separation.”Gordon Campbell, Leader of the Opposition, agreed with the embellished diatribe,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-34846037241456205312008-04-03T13:32:00.013+01:002008-04-14T16:41:35.275+01:00

(The Murder Cross: Britain’s highest accolade.)A crate of medals airlifted into Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand province may have fallen into enemy hands, Ministry of Defence sources have revealed.According to the shock revelation, which emerged during a drunken late-night game of truth-or-dare between generals and reporters, the decorations were dropped last week over British lines in a bid to

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-33982759219627839392008-04-03T09:43:00.009+01:002008-04-26T03:00:06.787+01:00

(Oops: locals attempt to self-medicate in the wake of the closure, with mixed results.)Saint Uncumber’s Hospital, Ghoul, finally closed today, after a campaign by locals to preserve it proved ineffective. According to managers, the hospital was simply not productive enough.“We knew we had a productivity problem from the day our predecessors were golden-handshaken,” said director Lady Veronica

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-33289836903353309042008-04-03T08:17:00.012+01:002008-07-02T00:03:02.570+01:00

Today sees the launch of a new scheme that could reduce the impact of state terror by up to 30%.The government is to offset up to a third of atrocities committed in its dungeons and foreign wars, and up to a fifth of heinous acts, with a one-off Good Day on which contractors will pay subcontractors to employ staff to grin at pedestrians, distract motorists with friendly waves, and just be

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-88363734618351003472008-04-01T17:26:00.005+01:002008-04-01T20:07:52.139+01:00

(Class war: just not an issue.)Rich men have struck a devastating blow against migrants today. According to a House of Lords committee report serialised over the course of this morning in the Daily Mail Online message board, most – if not all – of your problems are due to unskilled workers who speak a different language to you.The study, with its focus on the slight negative effect of migration,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-40368319599540776652008-03-30T16:00:00.009+01:002008-03-31T19:33:18.033+01:00

(Soul contender: the ghost of a gorilla.)Two more creatures besides humans are endowed with eternal souls. That’s the startling result of a new study commissioned of Vatican scientists by Pope Benedict XVI and published today in the Roman Catholic equivalent to the journal Nature: Supernature.The study – which draws its conclusions from omens and visitations, together with anachronistic

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-36993685169903929592008-03-30T13:44:00.005+01:002010-04-25T03:10:20.934+01:00

Twenty three baskets were woven outside the Houses of Parliament today in protest against the Iraq War, and eight baskets against the War in Afghanistan, in one of the biggest – and deftest – displays of basketry and wickerwork ever to oppose the twin conflicts, which have claimed the lives of half a million.The country crafts went off largely without incident, although police sources confirmed

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-72668088384193580842008-03-30T06:49:00.012+01:002008-04-06T12:54:59.018+01:00

(Dance crazy: impatient Britons express wrath through one of their national dances.)The new baggage-handling system at London’s Heathrow Airport has come in for sharp criticism from the All-Party Standing Committee on Transport. The eight-man body, which comprises 16 eyes and 32 limbs, called for a full public enquiry, following chaos which left thousands stranded, and tens of thousands wishing

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-35380330149645360232008-03-28T17:31:00.014Z2008-03-30T07:07:11.518+01:00

(Day One at Terminal 5: image captured on mobile by passengers wedged in a baggage chute, to pass the time as they waited for help.)LONDON: BAA have admitted that 20% of flights which set out from Heathrow’s Terminal Five yesterday “could be anywhere now.”Nevertheless, bosses are sanguine about the new terminal’s baptism by bedlam.“It’s perfectly normal for any new terminal to lose a few on its

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-10370882816711292332008-03-28T13:13:00.018Z2008-03-30T07:16:24.052+01:00

The government are appealing for calm and credulity today in the wake of a mass breakout of interrogation-parrots from Yarl’s Wood Immigration Removal Centre, Bedfordshire.The estimated 700 parrots, some of whom are parakeets, work at the illegal holding facility for the Borders and Immigration Agency, helping contractors to get the right answers from refugees - the right answers to help them.

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-19191243639926218782008-03-27T19:29:00.003Z2008-03-28T04:58:41.612Z

(Argh: the spectre of Johnnie’s shame. Composite image from psychic CCTV cameras installed last March in the village shop to discourage covetousness.)Sponsors of Johnnie Valliant’s bid at Cauldercotte Easter Fun Run, from Cauldercotte Mill to the Village Green, were coping as best they could yesterday with the 11-year-old’s dismal failure to fund research into a serious condition.“It’s a shame he

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-68916941532199898402008-03-27T15:30:00.010Z2008-03-30T07:58:11.063+01:00

Acclaimed serial murderer The Walsingdene Ripper has admitted that he “probably misspoke” when telling ramblers that Walsingdene’s precipitous Cliff Walk was still safe to traverse.The popular cliff-top bridleway has long been a mainstay for local nature-lovers and courting couples, but became unsafe earlier this year when erosion caused much of it to fall into the sea.Asked why he also removed

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-18039216943411806272008-03-24T13:08:00.021Z2008-03-30T07:15:08.278+01:00

(Kill more for us: future generations urge the president on to greater acts of barbarity in his dreams.)WASHINGTON: Advocates of the War in Iraq were jubilant this week as US troop-deaths fell for the first time since the conflict began. The official number of war-dead had risen steadily till Sunday last, when it suddenly levelled off at just over 4000, then took an unprecedented dip, before

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-29279010727967621652008-03-24T10:03:00.019Z2008-03-27T19:11:58.749Z

While levels of disruption have fallen in the overwhelming majority of British schools, a study this week shows, the behaviour of one girl has got significantly worse.Deseret Treadwell, 13, of St. Uncumber’s Church of England School in Ghoul, Leicestershire, is described by teachers as “hardcore”, verging on “super hardcore”. The number of days she was caught carrying an offensive weapon has

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-88367777741741756692008-03-21T11:50:00.006Z2010-01-08T01:10:24.486Z

LONDON: Publishers Usborne are to reissue their bestselling Knowhow Book of Spycraft, updating the 70s children’s spy-primer to reflect the new rules of engagement of the War on Terror.The original, considered a classic in its day, was a lovingly illustrated how-to-guide to the tricks of the espionage trade, but - spies say - is showing its age.“It’s frozen in a Cold War mindset,” explained MI5’s

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-18053738808791073462008-03-20T12:36:00.010Z2008-04-24T14:32:54.191+01:00

(Boo hoo: Speculation is rife that the government’s next project will be ‘something done to babies’, after a memo leaked to the BBC was found to consist entirely of crude sketches of weeping infants.)LONDON: Tributes continue to swamp in for UK Home Secretary Jacqui Smith following the death yesterday of a very poorly woman deported from a Cardiff hospital in January.Ama Sumani, 39, needed

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-9435336521829084302008-03-20T06:31:00.011Z2008-03-22T06:50:10.465Z

Osama bin Laden has issued a second tape, lauding his own honesty, 24 hours after admitting to a slip of the tongue in an earlier tape he made.“I did not mean to suggest that Pope Benedict XVI drew the cartoons of oranges, blackboards and abstract geometrical patterns with which the crusader artists have so cruelly teased our faith,” the 71 year-old father of a hundred said, following a whispered

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-54593423628692818662008-03-20T04:18:00.008Z2008-03-25T07:45:29.541Z

LHASA: State authorities in Tibet Autonomous Region have appealed to Tibetans to respond to legitimate calls for calm in the normality following last week’s riots, not those of the Dalai Lama.“Dalai is a monster,” said veteran Tibetan official Ragdi. “Anyone found surrendering to police or going about their lawful business in his name can expect to feel the full force of the law.”Ragdi, former

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-7081202559509638722008-03-20T03:12:00.009Z2008-03-24T20:48:30.107Z

LONDON: One hundred of the best-behaved teenagers in England and Wales are to receive compulsory “free thinking” lessons, according to a new initiative launched today on Prime Minister Gordon Camberwick’s Wikipedia homepage, to combat what some are calling the “conformity time bomb”.The move comes in the wake of a survey showing British youngsters to be some of the worst in the E.U. when it comes

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-27402736240760844082008-03-19T13:20:00.003Z2008-03-19T15:26:37.565Z

Abrasive capitalist Sir Alan Sugar is to host a charity version of his hit programme The Apprentice. Sir Alan’s new show will give children orphaned by the Asian tsunami a chance to compete for the honour of working for Sir Alan in Sir Alan’s Sarawak-based filth mine.“I believe it will be an absolute blockbuster,” Sugar said.Sir Alan, 60, who advises the government on where to tell workers to

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-63707111883174124062008-03-18T07:32:00.011Z2008-04-16T23:38:06.026+01:00

Hardly is the blood dried on his falchion, or the sweat of battle aired from his battered hauberk, than bold Prince Harry, fourth in line to the throne of England, is to set forth on a new quest, palace sources heralded today. The tidings come mere weeks after the gallant grandson’s return from the crusades!The quest is believed to have been triggered by the arrival of a mystery knight at

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-56104285449732266172008-03-17T17:49:00.007Z2008-03-17T18:54:49.147Z

It has emerged that a malfunctioning law-wheel could be responsible for as much as 90% of legislation enacted in the British Houses of Parliament over the past thirty years, sources revealed today.The acts and bills, long regarded as a concerted attack on rightness, it now seems, may simply have been the by-product of the rogue apparatus, which was found spinning out of control by cleaning staff

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-6028525005910870002008-03-17T15:02:00.014Z2008-03-29T13:29:14.626Z

(Models of rectitude: Pirates Bartholomew Black Bart Roberts and ‘Xyltrix’ cavort on the astral plane at the news.)Chancellor of the Exchequer Azeroth Moonchilde has unveiled a radical new scheme today: an alternative ‘bad’ currency to boost the spending of young consumers.It is estimated that the currency, whose notes are to feature prominent malefactors in place of scientists and authors, will

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-6201092375889744962008-03-16T06:30:00.022Z2008-03-29T13:24:18.743Z

(Hey guys, I just thought: why don’t we have a welly-wang instead this year? Or hot cross buns?)In a tearful ceremony today, high-profile serial killer the Walsingdene Ripper startled fans, and wrongfooted detractors, when he apologised for the crimes of his Dahomeyan ancestors.“I offer this apology,” said the Ripper, who had already apologised many times informally, “on behalf of myself, my wife

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-9228648572057952272008-03-15T06:18:00.005Z2008-03-15T16:21:11.378Z

(Gone commishin’: parliamentary commissioners, Lords Fugue and Pym, reveal their strategy to reporters in a vision.)All Members of Parliament are to receive a ten-foot-tall golden calculator as part of the government’s accountability drive, Westminster sources announced in visions today. The calculators, which are thought to cost a dozen million pounds each, will be able to add and multiply and

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-12899168065787594412008-03-15T06:03:00.002Z2008-03-15T06:06:06.062Z

(Oopsh: Employment oportunities for fools are limited.)Police are warning fools in the Scammondsby area to hold onto their hats, after a series of headgear-robberies left capless more than twelve fools and a dunce.Inspector Ketch Mangonel said: “There are a lot of stealers at this time of the year (Saturnalia), and fool’s caps, with their baubles and attractive particoloured design, are always a

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-10161604929575638562008-03-14T20:21:00.023Z2008-03-24T20:56:11.982Z

(General intelligence: General Sir Phoenix ‘Birdie’ Resurgam, left, and General Sir Frank ‘Bitsie’ Manticore, left and right, escape justice at London Crown Court today by outstaring prosecutors.)It has emerged that sensitive data on an M.O.D. laptop, that went missing on Friday, may include the real reason for the War in Iraq.The laptop is thought to contain arguments for and against the

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-73790183450962723442008-03-14T11:50:00.007Z2008-04-07T08:46:01.628+01:00

Women must cast aside jilbab and khumoor and dress more risquély, radical cleric Agar Jelidi has ruled. According to the aged hermit, the demure garb of Muslim women is “just too much”.“Increasingly we find ourselves fetishising the hijab. The fantasies men project onto such garments are excessive, and often a source of more corruption than the flesh of the wicked gender itself. Of course,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-89780083497579297422008-03-14T07:14:00.010Z2008-03-28T16:26:04.281Z

(I’m going to hurt you ahahahah...: recently deceased post-mistress Mrs. Bradbury from Cradbury pays a terrifying nocturnal visit.)Opposition leader Gordon Campbell has drawn widespread flak for his decision to allow TV cameras to film inside the dreams of his daughter Juniper last night.Child-welfare groups and enemies have dubbed the psyche-ingress a “cynical exercise in political showmanship”

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-49894798553265994362008-03-13T17:48:00.007Z2009-08-13T08:26:28.692+01:00

(It is not known yet how the oath will be enforced.)LONDON: From 1st April 2008, an oath of allegiance to the Queen will be mandatory for all British fauna and the majority of British flora. That’s if new legislation comes into bud in the spring.“British wildlife is some of the best, and certainly the most British wildlife in the world,” said Home Secretary Lord Napier-Wraith. “We can be rightly

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-86671122478194878242008-03-13T15:43:00.005Z2008-03-14T12:41:18.756Z

(Traumatastic: Joshua’s girlfriend Buttons weeps with pride at the news of how well he served his master.) Prince Harry, is said to be delighted today after his personal dwarf was found alive and well in Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand Province.The prince’s dwarf Joshua Bartlet, nicknamed Lucky, had been missing in the brutal warzone for three months following his master’s triumphant return from

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-8113160565636421532008-03-13T12:58:00.004Z2008-03-13T13:07:58.307Z

(Click to enlarge. (Note: clicking will also enlarge the photograph.))The old school photo we printed last week obviously tickled a few ‘memory-buds’. We had a phenomenalogical response from people in the Symbolthorpe and Great Harmington area. Thanks to everyone who wrote in. Many of you remembered the rabbit-faced boy in the front row with the interlinked vortical haloes of tempero-spacial

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-12613532676791790302008-03-05T05:54:00.008Z2008-07-08T09:36:03.574+01:00

(Artist’s impression of a Japanese feeling.)Japanese emotions are to be taught in schools to make British teenagers less boring. The move comes in answer to parental complaints that their offspring are “just incredibly dull”, and is intended to expand the emotional palate of British youth.Currently the main emotions which British teenagers have the capacity to experience are nostalgia, yearning,

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-65545169137153760632008-02-27T20:28:00.012Z2008-03-20T08:41:44.983Z

(Consternation: Amy Jenkins and husband Fred discuss the potential for compensation, in whispers so as not to wake the children.)Terror deputy Ayman Al-Zawahiri has expressed shock and disappointment over the fact that Terror was not at the forefront of British people’s minds as they groped for explanations for the faint rumble heard by many light sleepers last night.The rumble, which lasted two

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-39991169027258002402008-01-17T03:58:00.002Z2008-03-13T18:07:32.061Z

(Before the horror: fans celebrate a stranger’s pain.)Fans of TV gameshows Big Brother and The Weakest Link expressed dismay on message boards today after it emerged that the deportation of a terminally ill Ghanaian woman has done nothing for their own poorly relatives.“It’s absolutely disgusting!” Maxine Wartooth, South Cave, protested. “When they pulled the plug on my poor old Dad, I knew for

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-49270968364866894872008-01-17T02:46:00.001Z2008-02-27T20:42:26.891Z

The snap decision to disembowel a woman in Cardiff was defended by Mutilations Minister Emily Avery today.Avery, head of the powerful Ministry of Mutilations and Harm, told MPs that her decision to disembowel the mother of three in Tescos carpark, Cardiff, was impromptu but “not exceptional”.Responding to bypassers who accused her of atrocious barbarism, and to judges who called the

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-28267264141713366692008-01-12T03:59:00.000Z2008-01-16T11:58:36.498Z

(Hain at work on constituents’ behalf in his realm of wonders.)Work-and-Pensions Secretary and Wales Czar Peter Hain has protested his ignorance of undeclared donations to the campaign fund of his deputy Labour leadership bid last year, including a “magical” kingdom worth in excess of £1 x 10^9 billion pounds.The infinity-hectares realm, which boasts a wide spectrum of human and mythical denizens

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-78793294104421392082008-01-12T00:16:00.000Z2008-01-12T00:25:56.794Z

The Church of England is to allow marriages to gnomes and angels, but still not between same-sex couples. According to today’s press-release, the move will bring church-marriage kicking and screaming into the 11th century.Said Archbishop Sir Alasdair Hube, “Hark! I personally have no quarrel with the queerfolk. Aye, truly! As a Christian, I long to tolerate them. Sadly though, as a church, we

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-64596260650493690812008-01-11T03:32:00.000Z2008-01-11T22:57:15.020Z

Conservative leader Gordon Cameron today unveiled his party’s plan to get one million coma patients back into work in their dreams.“Coma patients have it all: round the clock care, severe head injuries... No one is saying there aren’t deserving cases out there. But we have a hundred people under the age of 30 in comas in this country, many of them from deprived backgrounds. Do we really

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-59445096756276097502008-01-10T11:28:00.000Z2008-01-16T12:10:44.802Z

Four million cats in England and Wales alleged today that greetings given in their name over the Christmas period were delivered under false pretences.“I have a card here wishing season’s cheer to Meghan, Mat and kids (Shawn, Sean and Siân),” spat spokespuss Charlie “The Cat” Nevinson, his whiskers trembling with indignation. “Well, I think I may have met Meghan and Mat once on a flying visit

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-83892376593891957802008-01-10T00:43:00.000Z2008-01-11T22:55:20.832Z

Couples in England and Wales seeking to spawn a transhuman or superhuman Master Race will be given fertility treatment on the NHS starting this tax year.The offer includes access to secret underground laboratories and recombinant DNA splicers thought to cost the tax payer up to a billion euros and a good night’s sleep. Some parents will also have the run of a Balkan château, a dozen free corpses

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7561564306443548561.post-37011517776370792542007-11-29T16:32:00.000Z2007-11-30T05:26:49.247Z

(Shame: a rare image of David Irving’s soul, captured on psychic film by MI5 photographers. The pint-sized psyche is reputedly not on speaking terms with Irving’s body and mouth.)Holocaust denier David Irving is in hospital tonight after accidentally denying his own chin.The controversial historian rose to fame for denying Nazi atrocities. But when fans grew bored of these claims, Irving’s love

Gangleweaverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14976794151950790475noreply@blogger.com0