For the Economy

Crows circle. Smut-flecked blusters carry the screams. Human flesh rises in goose-pimple salute. I clutch my electrical item and join the queue.

For a time, the great bonfire retches smoke, obscuring its innards though not their hungry crackle. The wind off North Ghoul Heath sends fumes at a ground-hugging gallop into the wall of spectators who serenade them with ugly coughs. Someone is chanting a litany of big numbers. Rattlesnake tambourine. A child is sobbing. An old man makes vague noises of atonement into the gale.

I’m here with Ghoul Ordinary People’s Club who have taken matters into their own hands. Each of us has bought a trinket to help a small business. They’re the stuff of impulse buys, or would have been in happier times. Hundreds flock in festive solemnity across the fields to the fire, everyone bearing a not-particularly-wanted good or service. As we near the flames at last, a great murmur shakes the crowd. We shield our faces from the intense heat and hurl our chosen tribute into the heart of the blaze with cries of “for the economy!” and “sorry I borrowed!” and “sorry I saved!”

I bid adieu to my electrical item. If this goes on much longer, I think I may have to blag a second job, or extend my scrimping into a legal grey area.

Then we limp back across the heath, secure in the knowledge that we did our bit. The salty stench of vaporised tears and trifles follows us home.

We’re All in this Together: Rich Men

(Recommended response.)

In a move sure to endear them, rich men today have declared common cause with you lot.

“We’re all in this mess together,” rich men announced. “Yes, there will be pain, but--in a way--we’ll all be feeling it. Certainly at some level it will register.”

While acknowledging that you may not be best pleased with having to fund their privilege, the rich men suggested you direct your anger elsewhere.

“Nobody wants to inflict pain,” said the rich men. “That is what we have police for.”

PM Silent over Leak of Future ‘Gaffes List’

(Britain’s warlike prowess.)

No word yet from shy British Prime Minister, Mr. X (as the ‘Press’ have dubbed this enigmatic gent) following Saturday’s leak in the Mail-on-Sunday of up to twenty future gaffes and slip-ups.

The internationally damaging faux pas were scheduled to be made over the next ten years at venues ranging from meetings with important--but excitable--allies, to keynote addresses.

Fortunately for the reticent PM, his unintended honesty has gone largely unseen, owing to the small circulation of these papers among Britons, who find their pettiness off-putting. But the straight-talking is said to include likening an Israeli prison camp to a Prison Camp, and being accidentally realistic about Britain’s warlike prowess.

A high-ranking source, Lord Caramadoc, who did not wish to be named, said, “Obviously these off-the-cuff remarks will need rethinking now.”

But he was quick to assure would-be critics that new blunders would be found in time.

PM Denies Nuance

Dashing new Prime Minister David Cameron today quashed rumours of nuance in the world and refuted the ability of the human psyche to operate on more than one level at once.

“We live in a word of absolute good and evil,” said Mr. Cameron. “Some things are good. Some things are bad. It’s as simple as that.

“Bad people do bad things. They’re not really people; they’re monsters. Good people do good things. We call them brave men and women. We should always hate monsters, and offer good people our guarded approval. I can’t understand how anyone could hail a monster as a hero, even by accident. Monsters are all cowards. If you sympathise with the anguish of a monster, you are probably a coward too.

“And what’s so thrilling about outlaws? Outlaws are boring. Especially those who target authority figures.

“I think if children read more of our Great British literature, they wouldn’t have to be told these things.”

When asked if he knew word multifaceted, he said yes, “But I don’t think it applies to things. There’s good and there’s bad. End of story.”

When asked which was best, he hesitated slightly before replying, “Good, of course.”

Broken Brain

As more details about his rampage emerge, it appear Cumbrian gunman Derrick Bird may have been motivated by an exceptionally tough form of tough love towards colleagues and bystanders. It is also suspected that some of the 52-year-old’s murders were tough decisions, while others may have been demonstrations of strong, stable leadership that simply became too strong, but not stable enough, over the course of that fateful morning. Speaking from the Other Side via a choir of psychics, the cabbie’s bloodied soul expressed regret to the families of the 12 he killed, but not remorse, saying that lashing out at non-millionaires was the only way to deal with a debt crisis.

Bad News for Voters in Latest YouPoll

Over 66% of party leaders think the British People are “more style than substance.” 33% believe voters should take more responsibility for heckles, or at least frame their ill-conceived non-sequiturs into a semblance of coherence. Well over half the leaders polled said voters were too easily swayed by rivals, while a clear majority wish voters would “just go away.”

Ratings for doddery xenophobes took a tumble this week with one third of party leaders saying they’d like less of their inmost feelings to be broadcast to such people.

Most leaders admitted they would take pleasure in making “tough decisions” if elected.

The working class are currently trailing the middle class in leaders’ estimation, with upper class a clear favourite. Leaders chose “tendency not to accept what our backers think is best for them” as the least likeable trait of voters.

Taliban Triple Agent may have been Quincentumetquadragintuple Agent: CIA

Amid fears that the Jordanian mole who killed seven CIA agents in a suicide blast last week may have been a “much higher order of agent than even we suspected”, CIA operatives are to receive an anti-infiltration mnemonic for identifying traitors in the field.

“It’s a very complex problem, knowing who to trust,” said Black Hat Spy, one of the world’s top spies. “Double and triple agents are dicey enough, but when you start getting into double figures it’s hard to keep track and, for a jaded spook, hard to even care.”

According to CIA spokesspy, Spy Z, “The breakthrough came when we realised that a quadruple agent was basically the same thing as a double agent, and a triple agent was essentially just an agent. After that it was simply a matter of encoding this insight in rhyme.

“Actually, most of spying boils down to rhymes.

“It goes something like: odd, thank God; even, best be leavin’,” said Spy Z. “Needless to say, those aren’t the actual words. They are Top Secret. But it’s something like that. Of course, this rhyme only works if you count loyalties starting from your own side. Therefore we have constructed a second rhyme for use when talking with respect to the enemy: even, I’m breathin’ (more easily); odd, oh sod... The trick is knowing which to use. I think spies should get the hang of it though.”

Not all spies are convinced. Yellow Dress Girl said the rhymes were “both silly” and that she will continue using her own secret method, “thank you very much.”

But The One Arm Spy is cautiously optimistic: “Latin is boring. That’s why many spies risk their lives by not learning to count to 540 in it. I think this new jingle is a boon, or a Godsend at the very least.”