PM Silent over Leak of Future ‘Gaffes List’

(Britain’s warlike prowess.)

No word yet from shy British Prime Minister, Mr. X (as the ‘Press’ have dubbed this enigmatic gent) following Saturday’s leak in the Mail-on-Sunday of up to twenty future gaffes and slip-ups.

The internationally damaging faux pas were scheduled to be made over the next ten years at venues ranging from meetings with important--but excitable--allies, to keynote addresses.

Fortunately for the reticent PM, his unintended honesty has gone largely unseen, owing to the small circulation of these papers among Britons, who find their pettiness off-putting. But the straight-talking is said to include likening an Israeli prison camp to a Prison Camp, and being accidentally realistic about Britain’s warlike prowess.

A high-ranking source, Lord Caramadoc, who did not wish to be named, said, “Obviously these off-the-cuff remarks will need rethinking now.”

But he was quick to assure would-be critics that new blunders would be found in time.

PM Denies Nuance

Dashing new Prime Minister David Cameron today quashed rumours of nuance in the world and refuted the ability of the human psyche to operate on more than one level at once.

“We live in a word of absolute good and evil,” said Mr. Cameron. “Some things are good. Some things are bad. It’s as simple as that.

“Bad people do bad things. They’re not really people; they’re monsters. Good people do good things. We call them brave men and women. We should always hate monsters, and offer good people our guarded approval. I can’t understand how anyone could hail a monster as a hero, even by accident. Monsters are all cowards. If you sympathise with the anguish of a monster, you are probably a coward too.

“And what’s so thrilling about outlaws? Outlaws are boring. Especially those who target authority figures.

“I think if children read more of our Great British literature, they wouldn’t have to be told these things.”

When asked if he knew word multifaceted, he said yes, “But I don’t think it applies to things. There’s good and there’s bad. End of story.”

When asked which was best, he hesitated slightly before replying, “Good, of course.”

Broken Brain

As more details about his rampage emerge, it appear Cumbrian gunman Derrick Bird may have been motivated by an exceptionally tough form of tough love towards colleagues and bystanders. It is also suspected that some of the 52-year-old’s murders were tough decisions, while others may have been demonstrations of strong, stable leadership that simply became too strong, but not stable enough, over the course of that fateful morning. Speaking from the Other Side via a choir of psychics, the cabbie’s bloodied soul expressed regret to the families of the 12 he killed, but not remorse, saying that lashing out at non-millionaires was the only way to deal with a debt crisis.

Bad News for Voters in Latest YouPoll

Over 66% of party leaders think the British People are “more style than substance.” 33% believe voters should take more responsibility for heckles, or at least frame their ill-conceived non-sequiturs into a semblance of coherence. Well over half the leaders polled said voters were too easily swayed by rivals, while a clear majority wish voters would “just go away.”

Ratings for doddery xenophobes took a tumble this week with one third of party leaders saying they’d like less of their inmost feelings to be broadcast to such people.

Most leaders admitted they would take pleasure in making “tough decisions” if elected.

The working class are currently trailing the middle class in leaders’ estimation, with upper class a clear favourite. Leaders chose “tendency not to accept what our backers think is best for them” as the least likeable trait of voters.

Taliban Triple Agent may have been Quincentumetquadragintuple Agent: CIA

Amid fears that the Jordanian mole who killed seven CIA agents in a suicide blast last week may have been a “much higher order of agent than even we suspected”, CIA operatives are to receive an anti-infiltration mnemonic for identifying traitors in the field.

“It’s a very complex problem, knowing who to trust,” said Black Hat Spy, one of the world’s top spies. “Double and triple agents are dicey enough, but when you start getting into double figures it’s hard to keep track and, for a jaded spook, hard to even care.”

According to CIA spokesspy, Spy Z, “The breakthrough came when we realised that a quadruple agent was basically the same thing as a double agent, and a triple agent was essentially just an agent. After that it was simply a matter of encoding this insight in rhyme.

“Actually, most of spying boils down to rhymes.

“It goes something like: odd, thank God; even, best be leavin’,” said Spy Z. “Needless to say, those aren’t the actual words. They are Top Secret. But it’s something like that. Of course, this rhyme only works if you count loyalties starting from your own side. Therefore we have constructed a second rhyme for use when talking with respect to the enemy: even, I’m breathin’ (more easily); odd, oh sod... The trick is knowing which to use. I think spies should get the hang of it though.”

Not all spies are convinced. Yellow Dress Girl said the rhymes were “both silly” and that she will continue using her own secret method, “thank you very much.”

But The One Arm Spy is cautiously optimistic: “Latin is boring. That’s why many spies risk their lives by not learning to count to 540 in it. I think this new jingle is a boon, or a Godsend at the very least.”

Child Migrants Thank PM

(Last year, Prince Charles apologised to the great-grandchildren of Edwardian orphans who were dressed as bees and made to pollunate flowers in the grounds of Windsor Castle.)

Child migrants in British prisons and detention centres have welcomed PM Gordon Brown’s apology to the child migrants of a previous century.

Under the Child Migrants Programme, some 7 000 children were sent to Australia, but many were abused and ended up in institutions.

Today’s imprisoned migrants applauded the Prime Minister’s announcement that “the time is now right” for the UK government to apologise for the actions of previous governments, even though some of the victims of the 80-year-old scheme are no longer with us to appreciate it.

“It is a kind and thoughtful gesture,” said Fatima Latif, 10, Yarl’s Wood. “My sisters and I have been held prisoner for 18 months now and subjected to racist abuse by guards; we can really feel for those children of an earlier generation.”

“We are very pleased with Mr Brown’s brave words,” said Mohammed Salehi, 6 and a half, Dungavel.

Leaks reveal roads, schools, hospitals result of Libya deal: dismantling to start Thursday

Confidential documents, leaked out today, show that ministers only approved much of the infrastructure of Kent, England, as part of an agreement with Libya.

The documents show that ministers initially tried to exclude Kent from the deal, saying that it was, “Just a little county.” But in September 2007, Services Secretary Lord Caramadoc told barons that the pariah shire, “did not want to be treated differently.”

In December, Lord Caramadoc told outraged Kent councillors that the decision over whether to do good deeds there still rested with them, but that it might improve lives if they did, and was technically a legal requirement.

The provision of public services in Kent, on compassionate grounds, has been greeted by a storm of protest, especially in America, where healthcare for non-millionaires is seen as a form of terror.

Former CIA Director of Chokings, Porter J. Goss, called the magnanimity “a mockery of justice.” City bosses sang songs of revulsion, while opposition leader David Cameron said the government should come clean now about how many unworthy people might have been aided or educated.

Meanwhile, there are fresh allegations of double dealing after it emerged that Gordon Brown may have photocopied the agreement to read in the bath.

Policing of the county has been suspended, as of midnight, and destruction power-lines is to proceed on Thursday when the dynamite arrives.