Youths Cautioned over Shooting of Police Chief

(Signal victory: lawyers relax at the seaside after landmark ruling.)

The Crown Prosecution Service has announced that it will not be prosecuting six youths who gunned down Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair outside his home last summer, then fed defamatory lies about the 54 year old commissioner to the press in order to save their skins.

“Clearly, in one sense, mistakes were made,” said barrister Angus Reality, “but the youths were under the false impression that Sir Ian endorsed a shoot-to-kill policy vis-à-vis civilians. Their only concern was to protect the public.”

“Shooting Sir Ian fifteen times in the head and groin as he left for work that day was the only way to stop him,” said youth Sir Omar Alibi. “A shot to the leg or abdomen would have left his hands free to phone for a crack squad of marksmen to take someone out, maybe you or someone you love.”

Youth Sir Hamed Waverley-Davies, another of the have-a-go heroes, concurred: “A stun gun would have been no good either. Even unconscious, Sir Ian could still have been dreaming up new ways to repeal habeus corpus.”

“A crime was definitely committed, yes,” lawyer Marianne Ork conceded, “but let’s not play the blame game. These are trying times.”

A Game One

Peer of the realm, the right reverend Archbishop Alasdair Hube has issued an ultimatum to makers of boring videogames to get their ‘act’ together, or face legislation.

The move comes in response to the campaign of parents of lacklustre teenager, Martin “Jolly” Jollinson, who has become listless and more outgoing due to a spate of videogames. According to campaigners, he sits in his room and is bored almost to death by the spate, which invariably manifests in first-person shooter format, although it does give him something to talk about to other boys.

“Story and character development are sadly absent from these games,” a distraught Mrs Enigma Jollinson said, “although they are well-crafted in visual terms, and often make us laugh with their comical depictions of human violence. Some may contain Sexy Scenes.”

Archbishop Hube is not surprised. He has been studying the effects of boredom for over 50 years now, through the medium of his faith.

Dermis Away!

Bold Brackford man Mark Jessup said ‘pants’ to skin last Wednesday by having his chest and face flayed for charity.

Locals at the Fox-and-Fox’s-Head in Brackford took turns to tear strips of flesh from his torso as Mark, 23 (personalities), a blandness manager from Inimininimi Foods-Systems in Brackford, put on a brave face - that is, until it was ripped off with tongs.

Mark agreed to the stunt after his girlfriend Amy Slith, 6, said she was fed up with his bodily and facial skin.

He said: “It wasn’t so bad when the strips were being torn off, but about two seconds later it really hurt. I’m glad I had it done though. PET scans will be much cheaper now, and if I can help needy people it will all have been worth it.

The event raised one metres of skin.

Martyr’s Ghost Arrested for Fraudulent Transaction

LONDON: The ghost of a respected suicide bomber was taken into custody in London today following what is believed to have been an attempted fraudulent purchase at London toy shop.

“I just don’t know what it was thinking,” said London toy shop employee, Helen Skills. “One minute it was counting out 10ps, the next it flashed this credit card at me. But the pin number was all wrong. It had far too many digits. And the card wasn’t even plastic; it was cardboard and folded open like a book. And they weren’t even proper numbers, most of them, but letters which spelt out the words ‘Happy Birthday Helen’. It was a crime waiting to happen. I just had to report it.”

“The ghoul’s behaviour had us stumped,” line manager Derek Gloin confessed. “At first I thought it might be some form of flexibility or teamwork. But who can say what goes through their minds?” And forensic toymaker Bill Memory admitted to having no soundbite on the case.

The spectre, which is widely respected in extremist circles for its community work and cheeky grin, is reportedly serene tonight after a gruelling four hours’ questioning by police spiritualists, and was released in absentia on police bail. In a press statement, the former martyr’s lawyer declared, “Although my client is an avowedly evil spirit, it is opposed to the taking of human life, except in self-defence, which it defines broadly to include funny looks and apostasy. It is not, however, violent. Not in any sense that it accepts.”

Said London Police Chief, May Day-Heigh, “We are not, knowingly, pressing any charges at this current time, not as we define charges, although we reserve the right to do so, and may already have done so, conceivably, although it is hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes... Sometimes I almost feel...”

“We are considering all options,” interjected Assistant Chief Lombard quickly.

One Transformer was recovered from the scene. It was destroyed later by army specialists who melted its face to an unrecognisable mass with an army lighter, then went down to London pond, then threw it in the pond, then threw bangers at babies on London’s popular London Common, near the pond, but then got a right bollocking off some geezer on the common, which was a right laugh, then they all got bored cos there was nothing to do, yea? So they fucked off home for tea. Later, Home Secretary Michael Middlemass pushed through a bill that changed the definition of bangers to “bad guys” and that of babies to “Saint Elmo’s fire”, so that now this never happened. The soldiers’ mums agreed though that they were all “good boys at heart,” and their bosses that they were all “bad apples.”

Treat for Mums

Children at the Subaltern House School, Chinmeld, laid on a special Mother’s Day treat on Mother’s Day. Forty-five mums and grandmas turned up for a ‘lunch’, only to be lowered into vats of stomach acid!

As they were slowly being digested by the searing juices, pupils taunted them with mocking rhymes and enigmatic ballads which they had written themselves, some dealing with adult themes.

Although they didn’t prepare the toxic vats themselves, the children penned insulting messages on placards and horses’ skulls which they waved angrily, and the older children worked them over with hoses.

Nursery ubersupervisor Kerry Morgan said: “It was our gift to the mothers and grandmothers.”

Complex Woman Too Complex for Trial

A Sough woman accused of harbouring scapegoats cannot be tried. The reason? Because of her complexity, barristers report.

The trial of Bettae Pulsar Dillion-Guy was to have taken place this Thursday, at Sough village’s romantic Magistrates’ Cove. But following an investigation by court psychologist-urchins Martin Hairbrow and Scott Herald-Angels, it was revealed that Bettae was much too subtle for the law to deal with - at least as it stands at present.

Last month, Ms Pulsar Dillion-Guy, 27, of 12-76 Stanchion Avenue, Sough, admitted sheltering members of this decade’s scapegoat community. The case was adjourned, however, when she arrived at the legal beach looking pensive. She proceeded to shock the court by drawing distinctions too fine to for lawyers to grasp, including, but not confined to, one between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. Bettae was examined by the local urchins, who quickly pronounced her “deep,” with convoluted thoughts that showed a high degree of abstraction.

“When she opened her mouth,” said solicitor Roger ‘Bouncy’ Ball, “It was hard to understand what she was trying to say - it was that complicated. It would be folly for society to attempt to mould someone as peculiar as Mrs Pulsar - we would only mess her up.”

“It’s quite likely she’s considered these matters more thoroughly than we have, although she isn’t able to explain,” said solicitor Nancy ‘Prancy’ Steed. “What she has in mind probably won’t occur to the world at large for years.”

The case was adjourned indefinitely, and Ms Pulsar was declared a noble human being, in absentia.

We Forgot Recipe: Munitions Experts

Army munitions experts confessed today, after a week of glum speculation, that they simply “forgot” how to mix a key military recipe.

Joint Forces Command is appealing for anyone who remembers the recipe, which is for a secret ingredient, to come forward. The ingredient, nicknamed ‘Green Florence’ - or ‘Excoriating Flo’ for short - is a key element of fire bombs used to flush out enemies and instil anger into would-be enemies.

Although banned by the UN, it has been an important weapon in the War on Terror, albeit one whose existence was hitherto denied. The ingredient, which is designed to strip living flesh from the bone, has been used extensively in the War on Terror: in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Somalia, the Philippines, Switzerland, Peru - as part of the British army’s earthquake relief efforts there - and, briefly, in Cheshire for crowd control after Cheshire Constabulary were accidentally sent some in the post. No one was prosecuted over the mistake, and excitable toddler Josh did admit to getting a bit boisterous on the trampoline.

In an ironic twist, General Forces HQ still has blueprints for the noxious weapon; unfortunately, they are just too secret to read.

But the experts are confident that someone out there can help them: “We instructed many extremists in its use during the 1980s, and we know that young people often collect unexploded ordnance to play with, particularly those with a reckless streak. It’s almost certain that some of them would have worked out the recipe by now, either by trial - or, failing that - error. Naturally all contacts will be treated in the strictest confidence, such as we reserve for our own whistleblowers.”