Ripper Cleared of Exaggerating Role in Disputed Murders

(Jubilant: fans celebrate Ripper’s release.)

There was more than a whiff of jubilation in the air today at Sough’s romantic Magistrates’ Cove as supporters of disgraced serial murderer the Walsingdene Ripper welcomed loose their hero.

The killer, who walked free this morning, had been arrested earlier following allegations made by the Haxey Slasher. According to his long-standing rival from the next village, Walsingdene’s Most Wanted had claimed responsibility for mayhem he never committed, including the bungled assault on quick-witted schoolgirl Sammy Beaumains last Christmas, and the murder of a wasp, attacks which the Haxey Slasher insisted were rightfully on his conscience.

While notoriety has continued to elude Haxey’s hazard, the Beaumains assault - popularised by the work of Danish filmmaker Jens ‘Søren’ Sørensensen - is widely regarded as a turning point in the Ripper’s career, earning the latter a new audience among European intellectuals.

However, having reluctantly perused a psychological profile of the Ripper compiled by court urchins, Judge Justice Harriet Node advised jurors, “against my better judgment,” that they sat in deliberation not on his responsibility for the crimes, but only on the lesser charge of exaggeration. The four men and six women and two dogs took just twelve minutes to return a verdict of “not really guilty” before the slayer walked free with a hearty handshake and a caution.

When asked to explain herself, foreman Mary Vaporum said, “Ah.”

The Haxey Slasher did not attend.

Gathered on the cliffs at Sough, lifelong fans Brenda and Derek Gassiforma expressed their satisfaction with a series of hullabaloos, as locals released 300 magpies in a gesture of ambivalence.