Terror Victory

In an alarming development, which will come as no surprise to pundits, terrorists have gained a surprise victory in last Thurdsay’s local elections. The Al-Qaeda won three seats, putting them just ahead of Labour, and giving Osama bin Laden’s party overall control of Uffingdon Rural District Council in Wiltshire.

Although there are currently no Muslims on the electoral register there, let alone adherents to the extremist interpretation of Islam espoused by the Saudi billionaire, residents of Uffingdon and the neighbouring hamlet of Woolley’s Farm are said to be broadly in favour of terror leader bin Laden’s project to kill and maim them, which is perceived in the district as “more modern.”

Terrorist councillor Graham Hill said, “We intend to cause mayhem. A full policy announcement will have to await our budget review in April, but I can safely say that there will be a series of nail bombs in the village bus shelter, a massive truck full of explosives rammed into somebody’s house at random, and at least one self immolation. Naturally, we shall be looking to replace the streetlight on Rectory Lane and improving the state of pavements in the west of the village which is abysmal.”

Terrorist spokesperson Dean Asher added, “A zebra crossing outside the school is also a priority; that corner is an accident waiting to happen.”