Bobbies on the Beat

(Left: bobbies congregate at twilight to pound their beat; in this case, a leafy lane.)

As part of the government’s controversial new anti-terror legislation, police in three counties are to be replaced this week by bobbies.

Although bobbies have proved successful in laboratory trials, this will be their first time on the beat. Proponents of the surreal bobbing entities claim they are far more effective than a conventional police presence, which often amounts to little more than ordinary folk with special training and wide-ranging powers.

It is hoped that the bobbies, also known as the “Bogards in Blue” and the “Shit”, will rid town streets of terror, and country lanes of the perception of terror, while exerting a subtle influence on knife crime.

If trials prove successful, the scheme could be extended to the rest of Britain by as soon as Harvest Moon. In fact, we could see as many as 200 bobbies gently bobbing up and down our roads and byroads this winter as they make their characteristic bobby hum.

Bob-fans, who number tens and units in Britain, have greeted the move as “like music to us”. But opponents of the notion have threatened to boycott the plan - or even, in Scottish counties, to scotch it - and one man has described the bobbies as “lissom”.