Serial murderer the Walsingdene Ripper took time out this week, from taunting detectives, to pledge his allegiance to the British way of life. Writing in his regular column in the Walsingdene Mercury, normally used to bait police with clues and enigmatic doggerel, the Ripper described terrorism as “AN ASALT ON ORL OUR WAY (sic.) OF LIFE. IT WHUD BEE ORL 2 EEZY, IN THESE DAYS OF HITENED SNCITIVITY, WEN THE HOLE NAYSHUN IS PULLING 2 GETHER, TO GIVE IN AN JUSS STOP KILLING. BUT THAT IS EGG ZACLY WOT THE TERORYSTS WANT! THAT, AN A UTOPEAN SUSSYITY BACED ON MORREL DEASENCY.”The Walsingdene Ripper rose to prominence in the 1990s with a string of heinous slayings, since when he has been a fixture on the local scene, and something of a bogeyman to residents of Walsingdene and neighbouring parishes. Despite a tail off in attacks over recent years, he retains a hardcore of loyal fans. “It was his modus operandi that first attracted us,” gushed Brenda Gassiforma. “But it was his homespun views that held our interest,” added husband Derek. “He’s a character.”
Initially mysterious, it is now generally accepted that the Ripper’s real name is John Simon Andrews, or Justin Steven Aston, or, if not, almost certainly Jake Samuel Arkwright, although some scallywags have claimed his three-letter moniker is merely an acronym for “jugular”, “slit” and “Armageddon-time” (a frequent topic of the menace’s misogynistic rants, which are syndicated each Friday).
Love him or loath him though, residents admit that J’s thoughts on terror have struck a chord: “NOW MOR THAN EVER,” the brutal pest hectored via his characteristic cut & paste medium, “IT IS CROOSHIALL THAT WE CARRIE ON EGG ZACLY AS B4, BE IT IN FORRING POLICY, OR BLOODJOHNING PASSERS-BY.”
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