(Left: an artist's impression of what Hell and/or Heaven might look like.)In a desperate move to prevent Hell from bursting at its seams, Heaven and Hell are to be combined as a new composite afterlife called “Helefant.”
The overcrowded domain of eternal punishment and the sparsely peopled realm of everlasting bliss have been growing closer for many years now, Vatican sources revealed, reflecting the real-world merger of right and wrong. According to New York’s megabishop, Megabishop Time, the present changes will do little more than rubber stamp this de facto evolution.
The need for reform first came to light in the 1970s with a series of high profile hellbursts which have resulted in sporadic zombie plagues that continue to this day. Would-be saints and other citizens of Christendom are advised to carry on doing good and not to fear damnation, since God will make them like the rougher aspects of Helephant, while her joys will only irk wrongdoers.
Also affected by the reforms is the liminal zone of Limbo which will be abolished as superfluous. Souls currently residing in Limbo (thought to number some 3 x 10 ^ 50, mainly those of zygotes) will be obliterated, unfortunately, for technical reasons. But all future innocents will go straight to Helephant.
Meanwhile, Purgatory, Earth and the Nine Buddhist Hells will also combine later this year, under the title “Jenny Hundredlegs.” It is not known why.
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