Senior Police Officer Apologises for Terror Costume

A senior police officer provoked outrage in terror circles this week, and been widely castigated by extremists, after attending a fancy dress fair in fancy dress.

“When I saw the pictures of Grampound village fete on BBC Spotlight, I thought I was beside myself!” terror supremo Osama bin Laden fumed. “The flowing robes are a slap in the manhood to everything the Mujahideen are trying to achieve with their courageous attacks on passers-by, and the rubber mask seemed to imply that at least one Briton remains uncowed by my terrible visage. How can this be? Am I not awful?”

Other terrorists have called for a full investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission, no matter the cost, and demanded that Britons stop being so fun-loving and dauntless, especially at carnivals, “which traditionally act as a sort of societal safety-valve, being a time of sombre reflection, a sacred space where we can all obey mindless rules for a change.”

“Common sense is irrelevant,” agreed terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri, speaking through the mainstream press. “We have a right to know why British men don’t respect us. After all, we are very fearsome, and have the magical powers of God on our side. We will surely destroy you all.”

Chief Superintendent Colin Terry, who made his tactless gaffe in front of 1000 largely indifferent Cornish folk, has apologised unconditionally to the terrorist world, and promised and to pay all due deference to rage-filled fanatics in future.

Braggarts Heavily-Armed Sexual Supermen, Survey Reveals

It’s something braggarts have known for a long time, but now scientists have shown that it really does pay to be a loudmouth buffoon.

Boffins at Fleet Street University, London, found that, when it comes to mating and weaponry, average men have nothing on bigmouthed braggadocios. The survey showed that braggarts are twice as likely as their peers to be armed to the teeth with knives and grenades, as well as having fantastic sex with lots of well fit chicks. According to the findings, boasters are able to keep going all night long, and are generally considered fantastic lovers.

They also know where to acquire a massive arsenal of deadly weapons, including any kind of guns or knives you care to prompt them about, and have been doing well hard drugs from a slightly younger age than even you dared imagine. Many have been doing such hard drugs for so long, that they’ve actually forgotten the effects of them.

Most alarming of all, egotistical blatherskites tend to be above average intelligence and are able to run rings around non-braggarts, both in the workplace and in the bedroom.

They can have you “any day,” the scientists say.

The survey of 35 000 self-obsessed gum-beaters and blowhards asked subjects where they ranked on a ‘dark triad’ of dangerously alluring traits.

“We were surprised at how highly they all rated themselves,” the poindexters revealed. “Interestingly, they also scored highly on personality tests for lying, telling fibs and telling great whoppers – although it’s not yet clear what use such skills would have for a charismatic machete-owning teen with the genital dimensions of a shire horse.”

Although the study was based entirely on local ‘yobbos’, “we just know that our results are universal across all cultures. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell you that.”

Soldiers to Fight in the Nude to Raise Money for Victims

Soldiers of the Queen’s Royal 2nd Grenadiers and Gloucestershires will be fighting an entire battle starkers next week to raise money for victims of NATO bombing raids and light-hearted punishment beatings.

The battle, which is expected to commence at dawn next Tuesday, will be “one hell of a firefight,” said Sergeant Barry ‘Bazza’ Barrycentre.

“It’s gonna start with our boys being ambushed on patrol by Taliban insurgents,” he said, “and just go on from there, really. Several of us will be dying, and one man will have his ankles blow off. All in day’s work for the Gloucestershires, except that this time we’ll be engaging them totally in the buff.

“I en’t sure exactly how it works,” Sergeant ’Centre went on, “or where the money will come from: if it just appears on their bank statements, or what. I suppose we’ll find that out on the day. But it’s bound to come as a massive boon to some poor Afghan kid. That’s what makes it all worth while. The smiles on their faces. That and the disembowelling.”

Hold Your Breath for England, and the Rest of Planet Earth

Pupils and teachers at Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, will be holding their breath today in a courageous bid to stave off all climate change, good and bad.

There’ll be purple faces all round at Morgan, Morgan, Morgan & Morgans & Partners LLP, Brighton, as the personal injury solicitors stop dispensing free legal advice for sixty seconds of much needed environmental first aid.

Staff at Walmart, Claxton, will be foregoing doctor’s warnings and staging a minute’s non-respiration for the sake of the homeworld. Customers are expected to join in, although it is recommended that under fives stick to half a minute, perhaps slapping themselves about the face and buttocks for the remaining 30 seconds, as a way of saying sorry to the planet for being born human.

“Think of the CO2 reductions we’ll make,” said line manager, Marie Scaulding, “at least until we start breathing again.”

The synchronised gesture is scheduled to begin at 11:00 British Summer Time, and will end – if all goes according to plan – at 11:01 hundred hours.

Also taking part are, Jacko’s Gang, an informal association of eight- and nine-year-olds from King’s Lynn, who have vowed not to fart for the minute, in an effort to reduce methane emissions.

“We’ll give it a shot,” said Jacko, “for the sake of the planet. It’s gonna be hard though, so I en’t makin’ any promises.”

Get involved! Log in to our website to see how you can do your bit. One minute of global anoxia will retard the El Niño effect by up to 0.000 000 001 seconds, two minutes will lessen the impact of drought in Africa by almost twice that, so what are you waiting for?!

Note: members of the public encountering anyone who has realised the coming necessity of global climate engineering – or, still worse, begun making provisions for it – are advised to treat them as strictly human interest and a bit of light relief. Keep half filling your kettle and collecting that tinfoil. It is not a sticking plaster. Close your eyes, wish hard, and repeat to yourself: it is not.

Bludgeoners Speak Out Against Knife Crime

The British Bludgeoners’ Association is to speak to school children in a unique pilot scheme designed to combat knife crime.

“A hefty blow to the temples or a few good wallops on the top of the head is every bit as effective as a stabbing,” said Sir Burt Whack, Chief Bludgeoner for Norfolk. “I think these days, in our world of gee-wiz gadgets and instant gratification, we sometimes seem to forget that. It may not be as romantic as plunging nine inches of honed steel into an enemy classmate’s heart, but it does the job, and – most important – the Daily Newspaper won’t mind so much.”

“It is imperative that we reduce the proportion of violent deaths in Britain that are caused by knives to a level that will send the Daily Newspaper back to grumbling about foreigners,” agreed Equalisations Minister Harriet Harman.

It is hoped that the talks, which will emphasise the old-world charm of a good clobbering, will appeal especially to the more athletic kids.

“It’s come to a sorry pass,” said Whack, “when these natural lords of the playground can’t even kick a fat boy repeatedly in the groin over a series of months without fear of having their gizzards slit.”

The government has given the scheme a cautious thumbs up.

“We think it must be working,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “as only one of our ministers lost a thumb to knife crime during the second-long approval. Of course, it would be better if young people limited their aggressive instincts to the M16 assault rifle and stinger missiles deployed through the official channels, but cudgelling is a start.”

Pupils of Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, admitted to being impressed by the elderly killer’s demonstration of blunt trauma, and promised to “give it a go.”

Food Crisis “Other People’s Fault”

A three-day emergency session of the UN, called in response to the worsening food crisis, ended in triumph today, with delegates reaching unprecedented agreement on where fault lay.

The presidents and generalissimos from every nation, creed and colour met in Rome to discuss space-rocketing living costs. Pundits had expected long-standing feuds to stymie them. However, even the bitterest of rivals were quick to cast their differences aside in the face of such urgent need.

Leaders were unanimous in laying the blame squarely on other people.

“It is global warming resulting from climate change – or climate change resulting from global warming,” declared Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe’s embattled ruler, “I forget which. But either way, other people have caused it. We must have the courage to say it.”

Israeli President Shimon Peres, custodian of the Middle East’s largest arsenal, concurred: “The world is short of food not bombs. Who has inflated the price of food? I put my money on the terrorists, or possibly the Iranians, but certainly – as my colleague says – it is other people. Let us not be afraid to say so.”

Many rulers, from Kim Jong Il to Gordon Brown, agreed that other people had not only caused but also exacerbated the problem, which has lead to widespread hunger.

“Solutions are beside the point,” the elderly men in expensive clothes said. “As world leaders, we rarely see eye to eye on anything, so shut up, ordinary folk, enjoy the occasion, and don’t ask so many fucking questions. Or else.”

Eye Eye, Your Highness

Following a proud family tradition, Prince William, or Doctor Wales as he’ll be known during his week as an ophthalmic surgeon, began his medical career today – with one small hiccup.

With all cameras trained on him, the future king attempted to slice cleanly through the trabecular meshwork of a patient’s eye, only to slip with his monogrammed, silver scalpel, tearing right through the Juxtacanalicular tissue adjacent to Schlemm’s canal, and ripping open no less than three of the four biggest retinal arteries.

“Yoink! That’s a crate of beer then,” quipped William, creasing up with laughter, as great spurts of blood gushed over the startled crowds who had come to cheer him on.

In accordance with medical tradition, the Prince must now buy drinks for his ten fellow interns.

In commiseration, his senior doctor, Doctor Ralf ‘Rats’ Rattenburg told him: “Good go, your royal majesty. One lad once took 16 goes before he got it right! Course, he was struck off and flayed alive for scalpel practice. Must not a’ been descended from mediaeval warlords, I guess, poor sod.”

The 25-year-old is on a one week placement at his own personal Royal Prince Hospital on an undisclosed tropical island where his grandfather, father and uncle, the Duke of York, also practiced.

It’s also the balmy paradise where, in July 1939, a young Princess Elizabeth first spotted a certain dashing naval officer named Philip, drunkenly removing a lung from one of the indigenous people of the island for “a bit of a wheeze” – that same Philip who eight years later, due to a ghastly clerical blunder, would become her husband...

Burglar Asked to Repay Money and Apologise

A burglar has been asked to repay money he took from thousands of households in the Britain area and apologise for netting it in raids. Police told the 50 year old serial robber to please, please pay it back, or face even sterner reminders.

But the thief, whom some have described as a “Director General among home invaders,” is reportedly sanguine.

“New technology has been introduced since the breaking and entering which means that the problem of my repeatedly coshing so many of you over the head and running off with your goods has been resolved,” he said. “This time almost certainly.”

He added that he did not know why new technology did not resolve the issue after previous incidents, but that that was “all behind us now.”

The burglar said: “The repeated attacks were clearly a mistake. It was a matter of serious misjudgement by a small fraction of my wishes and desires, and a serious failing in how I responded to them in relation to homeowners.

“These problems won’t continue into the future though, so I shouldn’t worry about it too much if I were you.”

In an email to mates, he described the situation as a “major laugh,” but insisted there was “no evidence” of any “impropriety or intention to profit” by the raids, noting that the £106 000 stolen represented only 1.3% of the approximately £8m he took in altogether during the relevant period.

“In fact, we’ve made real progress on that score,” the burglar observed, in the closest he came to an apology, “while delivering some spectacular creative successes and starting to make our vision of the future a reality.”

Police have threatened to “let the matter drop” if the self-aggrandisement goes on for too much longer.

Princes to Be Doctors This Week

Following distinguished army careers last week, Princes William and Harry are to become doctors today, palace sources have announced.

Prince William, the elder and therefore more important prince, has just completed a crash course at London’s Royal Medical College. Remarkably, the hardworking heir managed to gain his ophthalmic surgeon’s licence in just four days; it takes a common student four years to learn!

Doctor ‘Wills’ will be performing trabeculotomies (cutting the fibers of the trabecular meshwork to allow aqueous fluid to flow more freely from the eye) and iridotomies (making puncture-like openings through the iris) using a combination of scalpel and argon laser.

“An electron microscope will allow His Royal Highness to see what he’s doing,” said ophthalmologist Dr. Ahmed Chaudhry. “So he can’t go far wrong. But still, it’s demanding work, unbelievably delicate. A very brave thing to turn one’s hand to, especially at such short notice.”

Doctor Harry’s duties, meanwhile, will involve demolishing cratefuls of spare herceptin with a golden sledgehammer, to prevent them falling into the hands of non-millionaires.

For security reasons, special hospitals have been custom built for each of the princes out of onyx on secret tropical islands. Both are currently standing unused, waiting for the philanthropic youths to arrive, as something else must have cropped up in their hectic social schedule this morning. But health bosses say the state-of-the-art centres will be very convenient for them once they do come.

It is hoped the quality of the semiprecious crystal is high enough. Otherwise new ones will have to be constructed somewhere else.

“But it will still be worth it,” the BBC revealed, explaining that the privileged twosome will boost moral among real NHS staff “no end.”

When their stint is over at the end of the week, Prince William has generously vowed to auction off his monogrammed scalpels for flood relief, while Prince Harry is raffling his golden hammer.

“One lucky AIDS sufferer is in for a smashing treat!” he told reporters. When asked what good that would do he replied, “Gosh, I don’t know. He or she can put it on their mantelpiece or use it as a symbol of excellence?”

“The taxpayer can rest assured of getting value for money though,” Health Minister Alan Johnson said, blinking away a tear of gratitude. “With royals, that’s a given.”

Church Calls for Moratorium on Jaffa Cake

The Vatican has called for a ban on the baking of Jaffa Cakes. Bishop Golosità di Dolci, president of the Pontifical Academy for Afters and Dainties said that the orange-flavoured confectionary is an affront to human dignity.

“The dignity of Man is compromised and offended by the creation of these monstrous treats,” the Bishop said. “Individual foodstuffs have not been respected by bakers, because eggs are beaten and tasty mixtures whisked up in many ways, as in the case of these artificial toppings. But the line between cake and biscuit had always been respected. Now, this barrier too has been broken and the consequences have not been calculated.

“In the name of reason and in the name of justice and proper cooking,” said the 108-year-old cleric, “let us keep these two categories of dessert clearly apart and maintain our respect for their delicious, but separate natures.

“The baker who is only worried about advancing his range of seconds does not take into consideration the anthropological and philosophical factors, like respect for nature and the natural order. There is a thirst for yumminess that must not go unchecked, and a hunger to experiment with scrumptiousness that can upset the moral sense of the one carrying out the baking, if he is not controlled by a sense of balance and human reason.

“Suppose that I am denying myself the pleasures of the cake in Lent and happen to pig out on one of Mr McVitie’s anomalous creations, thinking that it is a biscuit, but then grow uncertain. How shall I know what to confess unto the Lord, or what number of lashes to award myself in penitence?”

Di Dolci went on to decry jellies, “which blur the distinction between food and drink,” and yetis, calling them a “missing link too far.” He also stated that, while the preservation of endangered species was a good thing in principle, he would be happy to “let the mudskipper go. It is neither fish nor flesh, rendering it quite hard to fit into the ad hoc ethical scheme of one small group of Middle Eastern pastoralists 3000 years ago, and therefore utterly wrong.”

Superpeople for Failing States

(Supersize me! Very occasionally a superhead will go ‘bonkers’, swell up badly, and start haemorrhaging positivity all over the town.)

Following the success of superheads at turning around all failing schools in Britain at least once on their main axis, the government is to extend the scheme to failing states.

If all goes well, and leader-writers are okay with it, the plan could see small minorities of “very effective people” incentivised with salaries of up to 12 orders of magnitude above that of their starving compatriots to “just stop them from failing so much.”

“Failure is an awful thing,” International Development Secretary Baroness Dame Cinderella Farden said. “Especially for a state. If we could entice someone articulate, who knows what the initials A.S.P.I.R.E. stand for, to get these wayward nations to dysfunction less, it would look absolutely scrummy on a CV. We might even win an award.”

A superperson must be someone who enjoys setting goals and can talk well about achievement. They will be expected to flood their country with positivity and trigger a literal avalanche of good results. The ideal superperson will also tackle behaviour quickly, “by whatever means necessary.”

“And there’s no need to worry about the long term,” Farden warned prospective saviours. “I can’t remember why not, but, for some reason, that’s just not important. Besides, superpeople can always move on to another homeland to be a bigshot in, if the first one doesn’t work out (or they find that they accidentally commit too many abuses there), thanks to the incentives.”

Looking Funny at Army Men to Become a Crime

The government is to bring in new laws making it a criminal offence to look askance at soldiers and impose stiff penalties on those convicted of distaining bomber pilots with their brows.

The legislation, which is not representative of a ‘Nanny State’, is among 400 new measures in a scheme designed to curb contempt for service personnel. If trials prove successful, say ministers, it could be extended to the Royal Navy by as early as 2015.

The rules cover frowns and all categories of puckered lip and will “apply equally to homeless ex-soldiers,” said Armed Forces Minister Bob Ainsworth, “so just watch out! If you are committing a xenophobic sneer, make sure your mouth isn’t pointed at a gurkha. Naturally it will still be okay to scorn gingers, people who look a bit like they might be on drugs, sexual minorities (except for gays) and the Welsh. Not Black Welsh though, unless they are non-EU residents. If you find yourself becoming very hearty indeed, and absolutely have to disapprove of someone you know nothing about, we guideline you to glare at one of these.”

CCTV Footage So Poor It’s Unwatchable: Police

Up to 80% of CCTV footage seized by police is of such poor quality that it is virtually unwatchable, say detectives.

“Character development is haphazard, dialogue less than sparkling, and the pacing all over the place,” disclosed Detective Inspector Lomax Coriolis to startled fans. “Some footage doesn’t even have a dénoument, let alone a clearly defined six-act story structure.”

“It’s an utter fiasco,” barked Rendor Mandeville, Chief Constable of Berkshire. “Even when vital evidence is captured, officers do not want to sit through it because it’s so derivative. We assumed that more training would fix that,” he added ruefully, “but unfortunately the training was even duller, and officers just did not want to do it.”

Junior policemen described the evidence variously as “boring,” “worth the price of admission alone” and “madder than a hatful of monkeys on acid, on acid. But boring.”

Another small problem, police say, is that the cameras generally don’t work.

“Most cameras are stuffed full of straw and dead leaves, actually,” Coriolis admitted, “as a deterrent. Billions of pounds has been spent on state-of-the-art adaptive optics, solid steel chassis and hay, but at the end of the day, some form of recording device would probably have a bigger impact.”

He also pointed to a catalogue of mistakes with those that do function. In Ipswich, cameras were left unsupervised for four hours and developed a rudimentary form of consciousness. In Carlyle, a pair of cameras were accidentally trained on each other, by novice operators, resulting in the creation and instant destruction of an infinity of ‘mirror worlds’, “as real as our own, only more transient.”

One camera in Penrith was found to have been controlled by a gosling – for ten years. Since its installation, it has detected no crimes. Images consist largely of mother geese, v-shaped things and other goslings.

But Scotland Yard denied that CCTV was failing Britain.

“It can be crucial to some investigations,” the legal quadrangle said, “particularly terror cases, where standards are lower, due to the terror. Of course, there’s always room for improvement. In order to raise conviction rates, I plan to post footage on YouTube, with saucy titles, in the hope that conscientious net-users will spot something to arouse their suspicions.”

Another plan is to post images to websites frequented by footpads and hooligans.

“When criminals see the cinematic atrocities they have committed, they’ll be less cocksure, at least,” Coriolis supposed. “If the out-of-focus sight of the backs of their own heads and necks disappointing audiences doesn’t fill them with shame, then – bless my soul – I don’t know what will.”

Cosmic Background Radiation Insults Allah

Astronomers at Baluchistan National Observatory, searching for evidence of God’s glory, got more than they bargained for today when they discovered an insulting comment about the Deity formed from strands of the microwave background radiation that pervades the universe.

The radiation, which bathes the cosmos, is thought to mark the aftermath of the Big Bang. Mujahideen scientists at the mountaintop hideout cum observatory were initially delighted when the Creator’s moniker hove into view among its wisps and tendrils.

“At first we just thought, behold: the word God written in Arabic again,” said religious astronomer Agar Jelidi. “Of course, we were overjoyed at yet another proof of His greatness. But then someone pointed out that, from a certain angle, if you squint hard enough, it forms part of a libellous sentence.”

“It’s outrageous,” roared fellow stargazer Atif as-Salami. “I have already personally taken out three jihads on Scotland, birthplace of James Clerk Maxwell who first predicted the existence of microwaves in 1864, two jihads against England (where he held the Chair of Natural Philosophy at King’s College London when he made his breakthrough), and one against Baluchistan for being the site of my own contribution to this horrible sacrilege.”

“And I have beheaded a neighbour,” Jelidi said. “When the Crusaders learn of that, they’ll quail.”

“Yes, praise God,” said Atif. “That will unsettle the kaffir imperialists no end, the thought that, for all their guns and tanks, they can’t stop us cutting the throats of our Muslim brothers and sisters from just across the way. It will sap their sense of purpose.”

Major Event Unreported Due to Lateness

It has emerged that the BBC was unable to cover a major event last year after reporters missed their train and couldn’t be there in time for the evening news.

According to crews, the event was one that affects us all and would have been a gargantuan scoop.

“But we simply weren’t there to stand outside the house where it occurred, 10 hours earlier, to speculate about it live,” sobbed chief reporter Penny Merryweather into her large, expensive microphone, “so what could we do?”

The event was an event of great – some say immense – magnitude with national and international reverberations. It is believed to have been “something on the scale of a nuclear war or a cure for Old Age.”

“But without me there to grimace and nod,” said Penny, “it might as well have never happened.”

News staff reject claims that they could have used the reports of amateurs.

“We use some amateur footage, it’s true, but ordinary people can’t do actual news because they don’t have the right mannerisms. They aren’t trained to grimace in the way I can,” Penny cautioned, “and their nods aren’t half as portentous. It would be futile for them to try.”

“What’s more,” said trainee reader Bill Sloop, “eyewitnesses to some events, particularly foreign events, are foreign. As such, we fear that they could bring a different cultural perspective to their comments, including views which some viewers may find unexpected. It’s important not to surprise Britons.”

“There is also the question of balance,” warned news director Vance Handlebank. “Occasionally an ordinary person will have a slightly different take on things. It would be terrible if this got out. And they probably can’t afford the special microphone anyway.”

This isn’t the only event to fall by the news wayside. In March 2008, something of earth-shattering importance is said to have gone on in Woking, but couldn’t be revealed as it wasn’t a scandal or anything involving princes. In April, something on the scale of an end to all suffering or a First Contact with aliens took place in Carmarthen, but couldn’t be aired because local journalists just couldn’t think of an angle.

“Sometimes business leaders give us tips. But on this? Nothing,” the bewildered newshounds said.

And last week, a discovery that changes everything was made in Durham, but there was no way to garble it to suggest that viewers’ lives are at risk from an everyday activity.

It is not known what any of these events is exactly, at least no one at TV Centre knows, and it’s not in the papers, so it seems unlikely, at this stage, that anyone will ever find out.

“Can’t think how they might do,” guffawed editors, “short of actually googling for it! But that’s all pervs and geeks that internet, so you don’t want to do that.”

Royal Scandal

(You heinous chancers.)

Two chancers have been convicted today of attempting to blackmail an unnamed member of the royal family. The chancers threatened to reveal that the royal, who has no name, regularly extorts a portion of every Briton’s livelihood on the pretext that he is distantly related to an 11th century invader.

Speaking in grave tones, Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus warned the two that they were guilty of a most heinous threat which was “a horrible one to make,” he said, “to any member of the royal family, but especially to a man already suffering the indignity of namelessness. This offence is one of the ugliest and most vicious crimes in the calendar of criminal offences, and one of the dirtiest and hideousest felonies in the almanac of criminal misdeeds. What has the member of the royal family ever done to you chancers, apart from robbing you legally with the help of his power and privilege, thereby corrupting the very idea of justice in this land from the top down, to say nothing of the impact on healthcare? You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Unless the anonymous nobleman paid them a fraction of his loot, the chancers hinted by their tones of voices, they would go to the press. Unfortunately for them, it was unwittingly to agents of the nameless grandee’s state that the threat was implied, while those agents entrapped the chancers after first beguiling them.

The royal is understood to have been particularly vulnerable to such a threat, partly because of his guilt, but mainly due to personal insecurities surrounding the fact that, unlike most royals, he isn’t called anything. According to palace sources, the boy was to have received a name in Westminster Cathedral, in the normal way, but a clergyman, drunk on the love of God, got one of the words wrong – so badly wrong, in fact, that the baptism just didn’t take.

“We thought we saw the signs of a name starting to develop around the age of six,” said servants, “but it turned out to be just a pet name that he quickly grew out of. Oh, what a to-do-ment!”

The chancers are currently in Broadbell High Security Prison for the Criminally Untitled, waiting for their luck to change.

Members of the public are advised to direct their prurience at a less well connected target: a foreigner perhaps, or a poorly singer?

Da Vinci Code of Terror

Anti-terror mediums are to question the phantom of Leonardo da Vinci tonight in the basement of London Police Station over blueprints for a 500 year-old plot of terror.

The polymath’s spirit stands accused of designing Weapons of Mass Destruction more centuries before their time than is proper, and of having the mental capacity to imagine many more. Plans include a terror submarine – in the form of a small boy armed with bombadilloes and an incredibly fragile, giant, tin umbrella – plus a plot to ride hijacked horses into a castle wall with the intention of weakening a bastion.

The quirky sketches, which art historians had till now dismissed as joie de vivre, were long known to be annotated in a secret code of fiendish complexity. But when the cipher was cracked this week by monkeys, who hit on the idea of moving each letter one place forward in the alphabet, it revealed a deadly scheme.

The monkeys, whose bungled circus escape led them, by chance, to the Accademia dell’Arte, Florence, are said to have run riot after the discovery, trashing masterpieces and pooing on important cultural treasures, actions which police claim “only go to emphasise the seriousness of the threat.”

But it wasn’t till Suspect X, a captive of the CIA, confessed to guessing the meaning of the monkeys’ fevered screams as they were played back to him on a loop every night for the past decade, that the full extent of the plot emerged. According sources, 3 000 hijacked shire horses, with the combined horsepower of one megaton of TNT, were to be ridden full tilt at the masonry, consecutively, over the course of 20 years, effectively grinding it to dust.

“Imagine the damage this could do to an Abrams tank,” said General Sir Dennis Raffles simultaneously with his Siamese twin and wife, Dame Mary Raffles (who has to be put to sleep during classified briefings because she is not a general), “or a Mark 6 Saracen Armoured Personal Carrier if one of those were to be left behind in a terrorist quarter by absentminded soldiers, distracted from battle by their love of country.”

The gentle genius’s arrest is only the latest in a series of Renaissance busts. Last month, Dutch artist Rubens Varicello was sent down for possession of mental images of “landscapes of an adult nature,” even though he was merely a minor painter at the time of the offence. And the aberrant watercolorist’s demise was followed hotly on its own heels by the discovery of Shakespeare’s 155th sonnet, in which the Swan of Avon likens or appears to liken the human condition to a depraved act.

The name of the act, if it has one, has not been made public.

“It’s that extreme,” said Ministry of Justice spokesdroid 6EQUJ5 who refused to elaborate, saying simply, “It’s just a very extreme metaphor, okay? That’s all you need to know to form a mob.”

The disgraced Bard’s spectre is currently being held at an undisclosed location on the north bank of the Thames – in the extreme western portion of the borough of Tower Hamlets, on the border with the central City of London – along with twelve hundred English teachers who possess or appear to posses, or stand accused of appearing possess the intent to think they possess, memories of the graphic figure of speech.

Heavens Silent on “Botched” Apocalypse

(Megiddo Hill, reportedly quiet today after the suspected Day of Reckoning.)

The heavenly authorities have yet to comment on rumours that “end-times-like” events which came to pass yesterday were meant to be Doomsday.

Although there is still no word from Paradise concerning yesterday, some faithful maintain that the portents, which included half a dozen resurrections and a small rain of blood, were Armageddon.

“The leaves on the palm trees in Megiddo were blown about quite a bit,” roared Father Aughly Stare in his nightly shortwave sermon. “We saw it on the News. There is no doubt in my mind that this sinful cosmos has been swept away.”

But many are sceptical.

“That was the End of the World already?” said Megiddo resident Aaron Gilor, summing up the mood of many eyewitnesses. “I mean, that was it? I get more rapture from a good bowel movement.”

“Admit it: there were some rumbles of thunder,” said his neighbour Batya Farhan. “Granted, that’s not unusual for this time of year, but then God’s temple in heaven did open up, didn’t it? If that’s what it was... And our Yoni reckons he might have spotted the Ark of the Covenant therein, which made me think, yeah, this is the big one! The Apocalypse of the Goyim. But there were no devils or any of those scorpion-headed horse things. So I don’t know...”

“And wasn’t there meant to be an Antichrist?” her sister Rebecca chipped in. “Unless it was Danny from the Supersol? I wouldn’t put it past him: that suit he had on was woven of one dodgy-looking blend of fibres. Or maybe he was the Messiah, because he can be quite judicious.”

They weren’t the only locals to notice something. Tamar Sheva and Rachel Horowitz were visiting friends in Megiddo Kibbutz, and had just popped down to the shops for shlishkes when the alleged Last Judgment was enacted.

“Saw this one angel, right?” said Rachel. “He gave me a scroll. He said to eat it, yeah? It tasted sweet as honey in my mouth. But after I swallowed it, it turned sour in my stomach. Not as good as shlishkes. Do you think they do refunds?”

“It was probably just a warm front moving in from the Aegean,” her mate Tamar shrugged.

The resurrected are reported to have wandered aimlessly. Most passed away again of their own accord after a few minutes, although one or two made it to Megiddo Bus Terminal where they were dispatched by the IDF. As far as is known, the wonders were limited to a two mile radius of Megiddo itself. The rest of the world is said to be “no worse than usual.”

A spokesman for the Israeli military described the suspected Armageddon as “actually one of our better days.”

Meanwhile the Vatican has appealed for calm after the impatience evident throughout Christendom spilt over into ugly scenes at worship last night, and bishops threatened to admonish anyone who gets out of hand.

“Oh, but come on!” protested Howell Baxter, one of a group of rowdy congregants who upturned pews and trashed cruets in Saint Uncumber’s Church, Boston, during a lull in mass. “Can’t they just tell us? Just so’s we know whether to keep up all this praise stuff, or get on with the rest of our lives. Am I wrong?”

“At the moment, we just aren’t sure,” insisted papal nuncio Fra Bartolomeo Rompetutto. “Certainly the occurrences were of an apocalyptic nature, and accord well with the predictions of Saint John of Patmos. And yet the scale was somewhat at odds with what we expected. His Holiness has assured us that the matter will all be cleared up soon though. Till then, we’re advising members of the public to pray like they’ve never prayed before, and hope for the best.”

Wave of Secret Strikes Hits Public Sector

Prison officers, police and teachers are among the public-sector workers alleged to have carried out surreptitious industrial action this year.

The clandestine walkouts, which only came to light as ministers were sorting through old bills to see what to put in the manila bin for recycling tomorrow, are believed to have occurred over the course of several months, and to have cost the British economy an undisclosed amount.

According to some pundits, the true losses may be incalculable.

Prime Minister David Brown called the covert stoppages “unacceptable” and “unacceptably mysterious,” insisting that settlements could have been reached “if only we’d known.”

Leader of the Opposition, the Shadow Figure, Gordon Campbell spoke of pupils’ distress on discovering that they may have learnt nothing at all last term, and the anger of thieves and innocent foreigners at the revelation that, for a whole season, they’d effectively been disciplining themselves.

But unions were adamant that employers had left them with no choice.

“Besides,” said an anonymous note, “with current labour laws, and the media as it is, we daren’t make too much of a fuss.”

Do-Good Workers “Played God” with Billionaire

(Get back in your place! Workers cautioned not to think too far ahead.)

Billionaire Jim Ratcliffe, Chairman, CEO and main shareholder of the third largest privately owned chemical firm in the world, has accused staff at Grangemouth Refinery, Scotland, of “playing God with me” for not accepting his offer of pension cuts for children and children’s children.

A spokes-wraith for INEOS, whose core values include empowering employees and excellence, added that the inconvenient show of fellow-feeling was tantamount to “terrorism of the worst kind,” declaring that the customer-focused company’s plan was to “close down Scotland” in the event of industrial action by the altruistic scum, as part of its commitment to total quality and reliability, and to “close down the economy of Scotland completely” to ensure complete customer satisfaction.

“We’ll see who wants to negotiate then,” the informative PR-Nazgûl hissed.

MPs too have admonished staff for their unwarranted foresight.

“I would accept pension cuts for future generations of MPs,” averred wealthy socialite, the Conservative leader David Cameron to a soirrée of reporters in the belvedere of his country mansion. “I don’t see why everyone else can’t be as flexible as me when it comes to helping billionaires.”

And Prime Minister Gordon Brown called the solidarity “unacceptable,” and “not modern. No, not modern at all,” although aides later excused the remarks, insisting that the high-flying premier was just trying to work off some pent-up agression caused by voting to up his own pay by 15%, but that he was really quite nice.

According to the BBC, Scotland has plenty of oil stores and will cope so long as drivers avoid panic buying. The BBC advised drivers to panic now before the pumps run dry.

Bloke Refutes Studies

Research consisting of literally hundreds of detailed studies from the 1930s to the present has been refuted today by a bloke.

According to the bloke, who is a normal bloke, the findings, amassed by researchers at the forefront of their fields in some of the world’s leading institutes and universities, and published in the most highly regarded peer-review journals of their day, are codswallop.

Experiments carried out over 74 years, including several long-term studies into the metabolisms of humans, rhesus monkeys, mice and rats and a range of invertebrates, were dismissed by the bloke as “bloody typical,” while the careful elimination of biases in much of the boffins’ work was felt to be so irrelevant that the bloke didn’t bother to mention it.

“Who are they kidding?” wrote the bloke in the comments section of his favourite news-outlet’s website. “If it’s not this, it’s something else.”

In fact, the bloke, who is understood to have only just heard of the data, and to have been unaware of the wealth of anecdotal evidence it appears to confirm, considered the whole lot so far-fetched that he didn’t even consult Wikipedia, or look for actual papers online to skim the abstracts of, before posting his damning verdict. It seems he could see the research for what it was just by reading a journalist’s confused witterings about it.

Speaking passionately about the need to inject a modicum of common sense into the debate, the bloke said: “Next they’ll be telling us that breathing is bad,” and added, “I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.”

It is unclear, at this stage, what the bloke’s criticism of the data is exactly.

“But we’d love it if he could get in touch,” said Doctor Mary McCready of the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, La Jolla, California. “This bloke clearly knows something we don’t.”

“It’s so important that he contacts the scientific community and shares his insight,” agreed Professor Jo Vogelein of Cornell University. “It’s obvious the bloke has found some sort of methodological flaw in all of this work conducted by the world’s experts over the better part of a century. I can’t for the life of me guess what it is, but it’ll surely be a scientific revolution when he tells us.”

Asylum Timebomb

Lorries in the Cambridge area are being searched this morning in a co-ordinated hunt for refugees from a benighted era. According to police, a large group of Jews, sodomites and women were seen near the village of Great Shelton, Cambridgeshire, apparently fleeing the Middle Ages.

“It’s imperative that we track them down and that villagers do not attempt to succour them,” cautioned constabulary spokesdog Django Breeder. “Members of the public are advised not to approach the wayworn wretches as they are believed to be heavily vexed, and some may be piteous.

“If you see them hiding, let us know. If they seek refuge in your outhouse, burn them. That’s the best way to help them, in the long run.

“There’s a pernicious rumour doing the rounds that these persons may be your own flesh and blood, and that acts of cruelty towards them could redound in a paradoxical way, but we urge locals not to pay much heed to that.”

In particular, police are advising parents of Scouts and Guides to keep their children safely indoors in case one mistakes the needy folk for human beings and does them a good turn. A bite of bread or a sup of ale may seem harmless enough, but the editor of the Daily Mail newspaper is currently in intensive care suffering from apoplexy. It’s feared that acts of mercy will only make him worse.

“Any more earthquakes in the late thirteen hundreds,” he told nurses from those days, “and I shan’t be responsible for what I do!”

Rights groups have called for an overhaul of the temporal asylum system, and politicians agree, although the sort of reforms they have in mind are different. But Lin Homer, head of the Borders and Immigration Agency, is in no doubt that getting soft on women, sodomites and Jews from the past would set a dangerous president.

“While there’s obviously nothing wrong with gayness, womanhood or Jewry nowadays,” the firm official said, “in some epochs, these are quite bad sins.”

“The real risk though,” warned Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “is that the wicked of our day will make copycat flights to a time when their crimes are no longer self-evident. It would be a terrible blow to us all if folk whose libidos happen to respond to some of the sensory cues that define infancy, Muslim ladies who prefer to dress in the traditional garb of their own people, foreigners, drug minorities and animals were to escape justice in a kinder future.”

Billions Lost to Good Health

(Tra-la-li-lallie: scientists frolic in a moonlit clearing to celebrate the approach of a deadline.)

Millions of man-hours, and billions of man-pounds, are lost each week in Britain due to good health, shocking statistics in a report out today reveal.

“When employees wake up of a morning to find themselves feeling pretty much okay, they often feel obliged not to call in sick,” said the report’s author, Professor Elspeth Martlet.

“That’s right,” agreed inker Eddy Vortex, who did the colouring in on the report. “Wellness is costing us bigtime. It may be peer pressure or a misplaced sense of duty. Some may just sense that they’ve run out of credible excuses and are in danger of losing their income. Whatever, it can be very hard to make that crucial call.”

The study paints a grim picture of the consequences. When workers feel unable to “pull a sickie”, the waking hours they have to hand are drastically cut. Then there are the lost earnings: while toiling at one job, employees have limited opportunities for doing others, effectively costing the British economy a further £19 billion.

“And it’s not just the hours wasted at work,” Martlet explained. “Many jobs leave you worn out by the time you clock off, and in no mood to explore the manifold wonders of this world.”

“Next thing you know, you’re dead,” said Ed.

Their colleague, Professor Hamish Twiceblind, was not available for comment, as he is skiving this year, but a group of travelling scientists, who were bunking off from another job helped out with the typesetting and graphs, as well as furnishing ethanol from their mobile lab, and experimental tryptamine derivatives, for the end-of-report revelries.

Their raucous songs about the cosmos are not recorded.

The study is published in the peer-review journal Working Sound, but you will not find a link to it so as to judge for yourself because, by the time you read this, your search engine will be full of mangled “news” versions, Chinese-whispering back and forth off each other – fact-from-fact, true-news-from-true-news – as they evolve towards a more clickable meme.

Zero Dominance: Future Invasions to Consist of Two Men and a Flag

Following months’ of speculation, strategists at America’s prestigious Westpoint Institute for Military Sciences, Virginia, have unveiled their new doctrine for the 21st century.

“According to the Cheney Doctrine, which till now has set the benchmark for doctrines, invasions are best accomplished with a minimum of troops, and little or no afterthought,” said Professor Sir General Conan Schwarzgerät, Sir. “The latest theory just takes that a step further.”

From now on, all invasions will consist of two men and a flag.

“It’s a refinement of current fighting theory and a culmination the post-Cold War trend towards streamlining,” explained Five Star Armchair General Dirk Warg patiently. “This way, we present a smaller target to the enemy, so that even if the worst comes to the worse, and 50% or even 100% of the two are slain, their sheer number will put an effective break on additional casualties. Friendly fire will also be less of a danger.

“Besides, with fewer soldiers on the ground, our high-spirited boys can’t get up to as much mischief. If a smaller proportion of the local populace is stressed out so bad that they pass away as a result of our lads’ patriotic activities, natives are bound to be less furious at us and our lovely nation in general. And even if one of them turns out to be a bad apple, we estimate that he will not be able to rot in excess of one comrade.

“The last thing a failed state like Iraq needs right now is another large and vengeful army. They have enough of those already.

“What’s more, this is a tried and tested methodology. We successfully invaded the full moon using this technique back in 1969. And – even though troop numbers never exceeded single figures, and were soon reduced to zero – our assault on Earth’s principle natural satellite is still regarded, rightly, as a victory. If 80 quintillion tons of heavily-worn rock and fine, grey powder couldn’t stop us, what hope do one rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen who dare to oppose the rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen that we support have?”

Athlete Abused Nature

(The crawl-stroke leg thrash: Britain’s Olympic swimmers practice their moves as they look forward to the completion of the country’s first actual pool.)

Sport-dancer Jonathan Overman has lost his chance to boogie for Britain at the Olympic Games in Beijing after testing positive for a controlled substance: his own DNA.

The British Olympic Association has confirmed that the 22 year-old will not be going to China this summer due to his exploitation of the powerful performance-enhancing chemical. The offence is understood to extend from the dancer’s own parents back via slime-moulds to a set of primitive, unicellular self-replicators.

Dioxyribonucleic acid, a polymer with a backbone of sugars and phosphate groups, contains the genetic code for the growth and functioning of all known living organisms. It is controlled by governments through restrictions on sex and other recombinant techniques which nature has developed through Her scientists.

Overman was distraught to learn of the ban, insisting that he had done nothing wrong. But BOA President HRH The Princess Royal has little sympathy for the well-adapted terpsichorean’s dashed hopes.

“We have no tolerance for cheats. Overman’s grace and pizzazz are the blatant product of three billion years of natural selection, and his dogged determination to win was born of an aeons’ long struggle for survival on the part of his forebears. As such he has a distinct advantage over other athletes, who aren’t blessed with such fortuitous ancestry.

“Also, the smugness of this talented young man really gets on my wick.”

Novice Satirists Cautioned to Stick to Drawing Big Ears on Politicians

Novice satirists who fail to grasp the concept of bulimia, perhaps confusing it with the condition of anorexia nervosa, have been advised to return to drawing big ears on politicians as a fool-proof form of cheeky ridicule.

“Big ears are a charming way of poking fun at the lawmaker of your choice,” said satire gurus. “And what’s more, you needn’t know a thing about your target or their foibles, still less have thought about their acts and stated beliefs deeply enough to form so much as a single damn opinion of your own.”

The sketching of stretched lugs is particularly recommended for would-be wags and first-time humorists who can’t muster the will to find out a word’s meaning by looking it up in a special kind of book known as a dictionary or encyclopaedia, and for neophyte jesters too dim to type all seven letters of it into one of the thousands of search engines or online works of reference they have access to.

The greenhorns were dubious: “Yeah, but...”

“No buts,” experts snapped. “You don’t want to learn anything? Of course not. So it’s back to the big ears or look like a halfwit. Up to you.”

“You heard them,” said other experts, working themselves up into a bit of a froth. “The bigness of the ears will make even the most charismatic of public servants into a figure of mirth. You only have to remember to draw them very big! This easy to execute, time-honoured technique will have you incisive in no time, allowing your razor wit to strike home again and again.

“If you’re feeling really risqué, why not give them a big pointy nose as well? Just watch those officials squirm. That’s putting the boot in. That’s sure to teach them a lesson and make them change their pointy-nosed ways, the big-eared legislative silly-billies.”

Two Killed in Reconstruction

(Electricity is your friend.)

Police have admitted that mistakes were made in a crime-scene reconstruction that got out of hand, resulting in the deaths of two actors and the mutilation of a passer-by. The reconstruction was the latest attempt to inject new life into the hunt for popular local murder the Walsingdene Ripper, but – claim locals – was marred by overenthusiastic performances, and a too rigorous quest for accuracy.

Problems for police were compounded when, in a mocking missive published in this week’s Walsingdene Gazette, the Ripper taunted officers by confessing to tightening a bootlace around the neck of self-proclaimed fellow murderer the Haxey Slasher, which some people believe constitutes garrotting, and to forcefully inserting a blade between the ribs of his alleged rival in crime 15 times until he was quite dead, which some claim amounts to stabbing.

He then burnt the body after removing its genitals for security reasons.

Remains found at the scene showed signs of torture.

However, the slayer fell short of confessing to murder, insisting that bootlaces are not designed as garrottes, and that the blade was that of an innocuous Stanley knife, whose purpose is to cut paper and score wood, not stab people.

“Also, electricity is used in many hospitals, so it can hardly be called an instrument of torture,” wrote the Ripper, “and fire is the friend of Man. I believe in a strong, robust rule of law, without murders, and I think that the world we live in demands it. I would argue that the actions that I’ve taken are totally appropriate and consistent with that.”

Dismissing critics as amorphous entities, he added, “The Riper does not kill. I repeat: the Ripper does not kill. Nor does he mutilate. It is against our laws and it is against our values. By allowing myself to commit this vital act, I am in no sense doing so. And that is the only sense you simple folk need to concern yourselves with.”

“He’s got us there,” said Inspector Mannie Logogram.

Volcano Apologises for Botched Eruption

Colombian volcano Nevado de Huila has apologised to vulcanologists for its failure to erupt as promised. The 5 400 metre snow-capped peak pleaded diminished responsibility for the diminished activity which resulted in a lowering of its alert status from red to orange.

“I’m so sorry,” the coy caldera told a gathering of incensed vulcanologists, seismologists, geologists and disaster contingency planners. “I’ve let you all down. I really thought I was going to this time. I could feel the magma building up in my fissures, and I thought: right, this is the big one, I’m gonna blow! But then the evacuations started, and everyone started taking readings and – I don’t know – it just wouldn’t come.”

Thousands were evacuated from the vicinity after the moody mountain instigated a series of minor earthquakes and caused waters to rise slightly in the nearby Magdalena River, suggesting that an eruption was immanent. Scientists felt vindicated by a small shower of ash on April 14, but it proved a flash in the pan.

“I don’t know know what came over me,” blushed the bashful basalt formation, who is said to be devastated by his loss of alert status.

But some geologists were quick to defend the diffident dome.

“It’s not uncommon,” said Doctor Juan María Jueves de Lobo. “With the eyes of the whole world on them, it’s often hard, even for the most magma-filled of mounts, to maintain an eruption – let alone a cone who has been dormant for 500 hundred years. We should all just back off and give it time.”

Elephants to Box for Awareness

Elephants Mungo and Dionysius, from Ngorongoro Conservation Area, Tanzania, are to strike each other repeatedly about the cheeks and foreheads tonight in London’s Royal Albert Hall in an effort to raise awareness.

Tickets for the pachyderm punch-up, the aim of which is to raise awareness of something, have already sold out three times over, and rumour is rife that the brawl of the big-uns will be a close fought contest.

“When the gentle giants announced their plan to pummel each other in public, I was flabbergasted,” said promoter Brian Possilippo-Philippus. “They communicated their wish to me through the medium of watercolour, gently prodded by a specialist in elephant needs. Gazing deep into their large, sad eyes, I asked them if there was any other way to get their message across. But they said no. There was no other way. The watercolours were unambiguous.”

But not everyone is pleased about the tusk tussle. One Earth activist Mittenglove Clitheroe called it a bleeding disgrace: “I couldn’t get tickets, not no how.”

And Prince William objected, very politely, to the fact that all members of the rage-fuelled species did not belong to him to ride about as he pleased, issuing helpful orders to people on the ground.

Nevertheless pundits predict the event will be a smash hit among sports fans and a delightful spectacle for nature lovers. Although it is not yet known just what the jumbo joust is intended to raise awareness of, sponsors say that we will almost certainly be the better for it, as a world.

Blackmailed Royal was Lancashire Schoolboy

The name of the royal at the centre of a blackmail scandal accidentally slipped out in court, as hamfisted lawyers struggled to manhandle the judicial name-basket onto its golden stand for the fifth day of a trial that has cost the British taxpayer three fighter jets, 20 000 man-hours of lying still in Marbella, half a winter minute of net life expectancy, and one good night’s sleep.

The mystery royal was named as Lancashire schoolboy Johnnie Valliant.

“Although Master Valliant is not a royal in the strict sense of the word, or indeed any sense,” explained Judge Justice Aslan Phelps, “referring to him thus was the only way to protect his identity from classmates. We respect the media’s love of Truth, and we know that they respect important people’s privacy.”

The instructive fable received a mixed reaction in the British press. The Daily Mail gave away free posters with a blow-up of the troubled youngster captioned, “Johnnie Valliant is queer.” The Star lead with: “Pervy Johnnie too poor to sue.”

Meanwhile brave reporters from The Sun scored a terrific scoop; that is, when they successfully scooped out the eyes of talented pariah Pete Doherty, with the help of an old lag, while the ailing singer slept. Doherty is currently serving a 15 year sentence in Wormwood Scrubs gaol for preferring different drugs to the ones the Home Secretary likes.

But that didn’t stop reporters in their quest for the Truth.

“The old lag let us in through a back door to the prison Health Care Centre where the roustabout rocker was being treated for scalds after an attack by other old lags, which itself was predicted by The Sun,” bragged reporter Elvin McKay.

“We had them out in no time: me scraping my spoon around the junky jailbird’s sockets – scritch-scratch, scritch-scratch – the lag slurping them into a carrier bag before guards could work up the enthusiasm to stop us. Later we cornered Potty Pete’s ex, the druggie dopermodel Kate Moss, and tricked her into tasting some novelty salt-favoured jam, heh heh. You should have seen the look on his little boy’s face when we showed him the snaps and told him what had happened, then punched him up good in front of his poor old mum, then danced a merry jig. I forget why.”

Apologising later, McKay said, “What? Okay, mistakes were made. But let’s be absolutely clear about this: the blinding and the killing represented a small proportion of my activity on that day. Besides, if Poles had been a bit more naughty that day, or Rumanians more darstardly, I’d never had to stoop so low.”

Valliant refused to comment. He is currently being investigated by West Midlands Serious Fraud Squad for falsely confessing to the crime of false confession, in connection with the same investigation as itself, after his lawyers learnt he wasn’t even vaguely related to a millionaire Head of State, and quit.

Taurus the Bull Charged with Influence

Popular constellation Taurus the Bull appeared in court today charged with inciting youths born under its influence to “several hot-headed acts.”

The 3 000 year old sign, whose gemstone is emerald, and whose ritual colours are mauve and pale green, showed no emotion as it stepped up to the witness box, only speaking to confirm its name and plead not guilty to a string of influencings allegedly committed between April 21st and May 21st last spring.

According to prosecutors, the zodiacal ox, whose stars include Aldebaran and the Pleiades Cluster, can’t have its cake and eat it.

“Either you are a baleful omen or you are bullucks (bollucks),” lawyer Tom Sawyer, open-minded and nurturing, said. “You cannot have it both ways.”

But the celestial bovine’s defence, passionate barrister Barry Centre, rejects all accusations, insisting that the heavenly he-cow is merely a chance alignment of wonders.

“Granted the NGC 1952 supernova remnant does tend to make people a bit graceful, but that’s just due to the intense bursts of gamma radiation pulsating at 30 times a second from the terrifically spinning neutron star at its core. Oh, and the Beta Taurid meteors can leave some sensitive folk rather two-faced, especially if one of them penetrates the earth’s atmosphere and strikes a sensitive person right through their face, literally splitting their face in two. But on the whole, my client is pretty random.”

If found guilty, Taurus could serve up to three consecutive life sentences, which may be commuted to one long simultaneous life sentence if he prefers. For a constellation, this could amount to a hundred thousand years.

The youths were let off with a caution when it emerged that their dad had influence too.

Exit Strategy: Iraq to Be Renamed Iceland

(A diminutive, heavily camouflaged US marine attempts to live off the land, after coming under fire from sea-trolls in Iraq’s notorious Anbarfjord parish.)

After much speculation, a triumphant President Bush announced his exit strategy for Iraq today: call it Iceland.

“Yip, we’s a-doned it!” hallooed the elated Commander-in-Chief boldly, firing into the air as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Them all lib’ril switch-tails can finish up their crawfishin’ an’ come on out their fraidy holes now, yessir, whoopee!”

Addressing troops from a distance, he added, “Spool your beds, boys. We all’s a-comin’ home.”

“The methodology has a proven track record,” elaborated Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. “We withdrew from Iceland in 2006, and no one seemed to notice that. Who’s going to pay it any mind if we just pull out of Iceland again?”

“Course, our first plan was always to invade Iran,” conceded Vice President Cheney. “I forget why; it was such a no-brainer, maybe there never was a grounds. But I love the desert. I love watching the tanks roll over it on TV. It’s part of my heritage. Sadly we can’t afford that now. The damn Chinese won’t let us open up a new front there, or anyplace else, dagnabbit, leastways not till we’ve paid them for the others. Damn Chinese.”

Iraqis, however, greeted the plan with mild perplexity.

“Americans, here?” said Iraqi trawlerman Guðmundur Guðmundssdóttir. “Curious...”

But Iraqi tourguide Helga Gnurr Ólafsson, who organises elf-hunts among the glaciers that cling precipitously to Iraq’s many volcanoes was not surprised at the low profile of the superpower’s vast mechanised army.

“After all, they are a quiet people who likes to keep themselves to themselves, for sure.”

Pelagians and Lollards Approve Pope’s Love

Pelagians, Semipelagians, Lollards and Ebionites have joined in praising Pope Benedict XVI’s address to the UN General Assembly today.

Cathars and Monophysites too expressed their support for the Bishop of Rome’s call for tolerance, while Manicheans, Cerinthians and Albigensians extolled the eloquence of the 181 year-old pontiff as he demanded peace from member states, and respect for all mankind.

Witches, in particular, were moved by the Catholic leader’s courageous defence of human rights, and Knights Templar approved his warm words on reconciliation.

Meanwhile a happy host of Arians, Gnostics, Marcionites, Docetists, Nestorians and Predestinarians applauded the Holy Father’s desire for multilateral consensus. And, as the Vicar of Christ emphasised the need for a “scientific method that is truly respectful of ethical imperatives,” Giordano Bruno clapped and stamped his feet for joy, his face peeling and steaming with joy. He was apparently too delighted to speak.

Only Iconoclasts remained unmoved by the loving, pontifical words, saying that it was, “thankfully, a bit hard to picture the specifics.”

Middle America Not Bitter, Just Naturally Mean

Small-town Americans reacted angrily this week to Barack Obama’s claim that bitterness over job-losses has driven them to hate.

“Nope, that ain’t the reason,” said the God-fearing halfwits. “We’s just mean sumbitches.”

Guns, religion and “good ole xenophobie” have acquired a something of a tarnished image in the US, in recent years, following a string of well-publicised “overdoin’s”, but are “a mighty needful part of our culture,” Middle America whooped.

The heavily armed loners insisted that Obama stop making excuses for them and “durn deal with it.”

The comments are not the first campaign gaffe the Democrat has made. Last month, opponents dredged up an embarrassing recording of the kindly candidate’s ole preacher man jawin’ off some about how US warplanes bombing a baby-food factory in one o’ them nigger countries might not be such a fine thing after all. Although Obama was quick to disassociate himself from such hateful notions, Middle America still ain’t rightly convinced.

Barkeep, Lariat Studebaker, whose beliefs include dead bodies coming back to life and what the TV tells him about Iraq, was particularly incensed at the gallant senator’s attempt to exonerate him.

“Critter got more lip than a muley cow,” he hollered. “But iffen it’s a choice of between him or a she-president, gee, that’s a toughie.”

His buddy Junior III echoed the sentiment in spittle, adding simply: “I’m a varmint.”

Must Stay the Course: Bin Laden

A new video rejoinder from terror supremo Osama bin Laden has come to light in a hollow tree outside Al Jazeera offices in Qatar.

In the cedar-borne invective, Bin Laden appears with boot-black in his beard and a slightly scuffed robe. After several whoops, and a spell of capering up and down a hillside and shooting into the air, he admits to mistakes in earlier attacks, and a lack of adequate planning for the aftermath of 9/11, but insists that the Mujahideen must stay the course.

“Without random atrocities, Europe and the US will certainly implode,” the aging extremist avers. “I could not sleep at night, knowing that I had abandoned the crusader imperialists to their self-destructive fate.”

Assisting the Sheikh, Ayman al Zawahiri adds: “We started this; we owe it to the kuffar (infidels) to restore peace and justice in their lands with further acts of wanton carnage.”

The terror deputy went on to answer critics who accuse Al Qaeda of leaving the world in a worse state than it was before they blew up large portions of it.

“Freedom isn’t easy. It won’t come overnight.”

The twin tirades, which fill just over half of one Bush E180 three-hour video cassette, are followed by an old episode of Celebrity Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? dubbed into Arabic. The rest is snow.

Terrorists to Train with RAF

Today sees the launch of a unique scheme to help terrorists “get it out their system” by training with the Royal Air Force.

According to Defence Secretary Shatseput Soubriquet, radicalised youths from all over the world will be training alongside some of the best in the business.

“Terror CadetsTM is a way to give something back,” she said.

“It’s a perfect opportunity for the dedicated fanatic in search of a challenge,” elaborated Air Commodore Martin le Good. “The fierce lads will get some priceless hands-on experience flying a range of aircraft, from the Tornado GR4 and Harrier GR7 in strike and close air support roles, to reconnaissance in our aging fleet of Nimrods. Hopefully they’ll learn to stay within the bounds of the law when conducting their sprees, and moreover commit them safely abroad, where such acts are not so heinous.”

“Agreed,” snapped Siamese Group Captains Primrose Vesperdict and Kursiphron Talents loudly. “There will also be opportunities for travel.”

“And if it doesn’t work out,” shrugged Flying Officer Knap Sconce, “well, then I don’t know what.”

Terrorists will need to demonstrate commitment to one or more violent creeds and be absolutely unflinching in their hatred of passers-by to qualify.

Some critics have questioned the use of Storm Shadow missiles and laser guided bombs on the very first day, while others queried the effectiveness self-regulation as a deterrent against ‘flights of fancy’ (i.e. unauthorised raids), but all concur that it will probably work out “just fine.”

Early results, according to MOD sources, are smashing, and the plan has drawn guarded praise from extremists themselves.

“They push you hard, bro,” said former assassin Agar Jelidi. “But at least it keeps you off the streets.”

The positive vibe was shared by fellow student Atif as-Salami.

“Without this scheme, I’d be an mega menace!”

Please Extinct Me Now: Rare Buzzard

(I’m a buzzard, get me out of here.)

The government’s keynote strategy for the environment was in disarray this morning after a leading buzzard called for its own extinction.

The graceful scavenger, who cannot be named for fear of poachers, pledged its unending hatred towards ecologists and buzzard fans.

“I’d rather see my entire species exterminated than live another sun-around the British ecosystem,” the endangered raptor said.

The bird-of-prey, which was reintroduced into Britain last year from Siberia, added that, what with costs space-rocketing and Graham Norton back on our screens for yet another knockout amateur singing extravaganza, it wishes it were there now.

“At least I have my memories,” it told watchers. “What it must be like for indigenous species, I shudder to think.”

Environment Secretary Bestine Sloppur dismissed the cries as those of a disgruntled runt, and conservation groups urged the buzzard to “give it time.”

But the predator was insistent.

“Put me in a crate and ship me back to Novisibirsk, or strangle me in my sleep – I don’t care. Just get me out of here!”

False Bibles: A Warning

Church leaders and rogue prophets alike are calling for caution today after a study revealed that Bibles are mutating at an alarming rate.

Of one thousand Bibles collected in England and Wales over the past year, a little over half were found to deviate significantly from the text as published in the first century A.D.

Of 659 ‘bad Bibles’ examined, approximately five hundred appeared to have grown new testaments. Three hundred had elevated minor characters such as Queen Meshullemeth or Zeeb the Midianite to starring roles. More worryingly still, one hundred and thirty propounded new commandments, or radically different versions of existing ethical precepts.

For example, a Collins Good News Bible discovered by winkle-pickers in a rock pool at Seaton Carew bade readers to “love thy House,” while owners of an Alfreton King James were solemnly enjoined to “treat thy neighbour as an image.” In other versions this was amended to “horse.” And one Basic English Version from Rye was found to consist entirely of tooth-marks.

“While this sort of thing is hardly new, the trend to regard such botched Bibles as ‘basically right’ should give us all good causes for concern,” said Salvation Army Major Jeromiah Sheepsie-Wolvsie, “and claims to the contrary set a deadly precedent. There is no such thing as a legitimate mutation in scripture.”

Meanwhile Pope Benedict XVI has joined forces with no less than 17 antipopes to endorse a bevy of guidelines for young people issued this Sabbath by controversial Arizona preacher-man Mittenglove Clitheroe.

“If someone tells you their warped holy-book is as good as the real thing, calmly point out to them that they are very wrong. Don’t get drawn into an argument. Don’t appear defensive. Always use a stick. If this is not possible, here are wise responses to questions you may be asked,” the interesting character chatechised.

QUESTION: Millions have died in the name of established religion. Isn’t it hypocritical to condemn spontaneously mutated testaments?

ANSWER: It is true that the real Bible has caused untold suffering – all the more reason not to add to that misery with yet more.

QUESTION: Don’t people have a right to the Bible of their choice?

ANSWER: No. It would be fairer to say that people have the right to be prevented from having that Bible. In fact, if I am unable to prevent them, am I not being deprived of my basic human rights, including the right of prevention? The answer is that I am.

QUESTION: Many of the new variations are quite lovely. They seem to justify life.

ANSWER: True. But loveliness is just a thing. Nazism and child-harrassment are also lovely, in principle, yet we do not condone them, except in special cases, where National Sovereignty is at stake.

QUESTION: Geepers, I hadn’t thought of that. I guess you might have a point there.

ANSWER: I do.

QUESTION: But answer me this. Some people say that the words of a mutated Christ may be of comfort to dying astronauts, and help them believe in angels.

ANSWER: Yes, I’ve heard this a lot. Of course, there is no evidence that spontaneously generated Jesùs do any good at all. We have it from the official God that they are largely decrepit. What’s more, most of them are on fire and liable to give off sparks that could kindle a neighbourhood. Would you want that to be your neighbourhood? I thought not. The opinions of dying astronauts are known to be of very little worth, puffed up as they are with cosmic awe and reverence for the universe and a deep awareness of the fragility and beauty of our native world. Now I have a question for you. Just tell me who is going to pick up the tab if false Bibles gain the upper ground. Who will pay the confessional bills? Who will finance the necessary slaughters of those rogues blown out on bad teachings, or transported to a murderer's raptures by some dreamy redeemer?

QUESTION: Good point. But what if I'm too weary or disgusted to agree?

ANSWER: N/A.