I Misspoke: Ripper

Acclaimed serial murderer The Walsingdene Ripper has admitted that he “probably misspoke” when telling ramblers that Walsingdene’s precipitous Cliff Walk was still safe to traverse.

The popular cliff-top bridleway has long been a mainstay for local nature-lovers and courting couples, but became unsafe earlier this year when erosion caused much of it to fall into the sea.

Asked why he also removed all seventeen warning signs that line the route up to the crumbling landmark, and replaced them with hand-painted placards of his own design which assured sightseers of a “spectacular treat AND refreshments,” the Ripper granted that he might have “misremoved and misreplaced them,” and conceded that there was a “real or very real” chance that at least some of his homemade substitutes had been mispainted, misleading to the misslaughter of more than thirty walkers.

He confirmed that there were no refreshments.

Pathologists confirmed, from the hundreds of bullet holes found in bodies recovered from the jagged rocks below, that the shots had almost certainly been misfired from the range of automatic and semiautomatic weaponry recovered that day from the Ripper’s own misconstructed and miscamouflaged cliff-top den.

Asked who he thought was to blame for the errors, the Ripper said that was for God and the Devil to judge, but personally he felt sure it was all the Government’s fault. That was certainly the impression he got from the undine in the dream (pictured), and she’d been right about him being compelled to obey her, so she was probably right about that too.

Summing up, Judge Justice Justin Jaspers Justinson roared, “Crikey!”

He dismissed the case for want of someone less rich and famous to sentence.