(It is not known yet how the oath will be enforced.)LONDON: From 1st April 2008, an oath of allegiance to the Queen will be mandatory for all British fauna and the majority of British flora. That’s if new legislation comes into bud in the spring.
“British wildlife is some of the best, and certainly the most British wildlife in the world,” said Home Secretary Lord Napier-Wraith. “We can be rightly proud of it. Sadly much of this is unwitting Britishness. Few kingfishers or daddy-long-legses are even aware of their inherent Britishness, and the number of fern species who acknowledge their debt of honour to the British crown is vanishingly small. If we cannot rely on the loyalty of the animal, plant and fungal kingdoms of these isles, who can we trust?”
Fellow lord, Lady-Lord Beatrice Cornwallis-Devils agrees that manners have come to a sorry pass: “The wildlife is just super, but community spirit is in short supply. Golden eagles are untidy and inconsiderate to other birds. Brock is arrogant. He only comes out at night and tends to intimidate smaller animals. Mr. Fox is too sly, and Young Miss squirrel too mischievious by half. Master Jackdaw is very light fingered. I think this vow will be a Godsend and lick them all into some sort of shape.”
The exact wording of the pledge has yet to be announced, or translated into the myriad combinations of howls, barks, caws, antenna feel-ups, lows and bellows, shrieks and squeaks, volatiles, sonar beams and discharges of specially scented urine in which the British ecosphere will be expected to swear.
While broadly supported by lords, baronets and dukelets, the oath has yet to find widespread acceptance among the country’s scattered human communities. The wild themselves have been largely silent on the matter, although one waterboatman from Avon is said to be “reviewing his options”, and there are reports that some gentians in Sevenoaks are a riot of colour.
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