(Gone commishin’: parliamentary commissioners, Lords Fugue and Pym, reveal their strategy to reporters in a vision.)All Members of Parliament are to receive a ten-foot-tall golden calculator as part of the government’s accountability drive, Westminster sources announced in visions today. The calculators, which are thought to cost a dozen million pounds each, will be able to add and multiply and find powers of.
“However, we felt that subtraction and division would be superfluous to MPs’ needs when calculating their expenses and only distract them,” parliamentary commissioner Lord Sir Cecil “Centrifugium” Fugue told reporters in a series of visions and portents across London over the course of this morning.
“Indeed they would,” said fellow commissioner, and maverick lord, Lord Malvoleo Pym, speaking not in words but waves of scintillation that streamed unceasingly from his giant iridescent head.
Critics have been quick to point out that, under current legislation, MPs are provided with a silver abacus each, and a special allowance to pay for any trauma to fingertips incurred while using the gem-encrusted, pocket counting-frames, the exact amount of which is left to each individual MP’s discretion.
But Lord Fugue is unrepentant: “It is true, certainly,” he boomed, “that MPs are already provided with silver devices, but they hardly ever use them. We felt that a shinier metal might appeal to them more, and help them to correctly add up and disclose their expenses.”
Some commentators also expressed unease at the use of hallucinated entities as the only form of parliamentary regulation, fearing they might be too ethereal to have an impact on graft. But the twin lords were unavailable for comment, as they had both worn off by then.
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