(Soul contender: the ghost of a gorilla.)Two more creatures besides humans are endowed with eternal souls. That’s the startling result of a new study commissioned of Vatican scientists by Pope Benedict XVI and published today in the Roman Catholic equivalent to the journal Nature: Supernature.
The study – which draws its conclusions from omens and visitations, together with anachronistic interpretations of ancient texts from the Middle East, and the latest genetic research – is the first indication that man (and, in some cases, woman) is not alone in having a transcendental essence.
“There can be no doubt about the findings,” said papal nuncio Frai Bartolomeo Rompetutto. “It may come as a shock to learn that the gorilla also has a soul, or rather two: a mainsoul, situated behind the heart chakra, and an anima minora, the so-called ‘lower soul’ – which resides in the animal’s rectum just above its anus, and is responsible for gorilla altruism and inappropriate dreams – but that is how God made them. We can only speculate as to why, although probably we ought not to.”
The reasons for the bestowal of souls on the ‘bone-eating snot-flower’, Osedax mucofloris, are equally ineffable. The diminutive underwater worm – which has no eyes, legs, mouth or stomach, and lives in the bones of rotting whale-carcasses, digesting the fats and oils inside with the help of symbiotic bacteria – could hardly be less like humans, traditionally seen as the only creatures in existence to possess a spirit.
“Ironically it turns out that we humans are actually in the minority when it comes to God’s grace; each female snot-flower carries up to a hundred microscopic males in its gut, and although the males never develop past their larval stage, they contain large numbers of sperm,” Rompetutto said.
The landmark discovery has important implications for medical research. While the church maintains its opposition to human-animal hybrids, in general, the pope has made it clear that he sees no reason why mutant beings that are part-human, part-gorilla and part-snot-flower should not be produced at once.
Clergy were quick, however, to reassure worshipers that the latest research is quite exhaustive, and that no other animals will ever be found to enjoy God’s infinite compassion in this special way.
“We are the only ones with souls,” Cardinal Alaister Hube cautioned congregants ecstatic at the news of Our Lord’s kindness. “It’s just us, gorillas and the Osedax. End of story.”
No comments:
Post a Comment