Migrants Made You Poor: Speculators

(Class war: just not an issue.)

Rich men have struck a devastating blow against migrants today. According to a House of Lords committee report serialised over the course of this morning in the Daily Mail Online message board, most – if not all – of your problems are due to unskilled workers who speak a different language to you.

The study, with its focus on the slight negative effect of migration, flies in the face of the slight positive effect of migration, leaving that effect in tatters, and confirms some of your most unspeakable notions.

“There can be no doubt that the findings are a true reflection of British reality,” averred Lady Vestigia Conquest of the thinktank PANIC!, “coming as they do from a committee that includes two former chancellors, a former Governor of the Bank of England, three petty arch-margraves and a viscount.”

Usurers and speculators of all parties agreed that extortionate house-prices, rents and mortgages were largely the doing of unskilled migrant labourers. The one-and-a-half-page report, which took nine months to gestate, was penned by a range of feudal lords, bosses and magnificoes: partly from their country mansions, partly from their town houses. It cost 1.3 million euros to persuade them to make it, and 8.8 billion in expenses. But it was still devastating.

In their summing up, the team of nobles described foreigners as foreign, and, in the case of non-EU foreigners: very foreign indeed. They thanked the British people for not falling into the easy trap of blaming politicians or profiteers for their woes.

There was some debate among the rich men as to whether it was best to cut benefits and tax-breaks for the most vulnerable members of society, or if a more efficient way to help low-earners would be to slash their actual earnings. But all the plutocrats recognised the importance of a rational immigration policy and a mute scapegoat.

“And it’s not as if these fellow strugglers down life’s byways will pay your pension when you get old,” Shadow Employment Secretary Jasper Basculant Devises-Dives exegeted alarmingly to a packed Coliseum later. “For they too will grow old in time. And who will pay their pensions then – once we cap immigration, that is? Future generations? Us?!”