(Oops: locals attempt to self-medicate in the wake of the closure, with mixed results.)Saint Uncumber’s Hospital, Ghoul, finally closed today, after a campaign by locals to preserve it proved ineffective. According to managers, the hospital was simply not productive enough.
“We knew we had a productivity problem from the day our predecessors were golden-handshaken,” said director Lady Veronica Harlequins. “But the extent only became apparent when we looked at the books. It turns out St. Uncumber’s was producing nothing at all. In fact, the hospital seemed to be dedicated almost exclusively to a healing a range of ailments and palliative care.”
“It was a shocking situation, financially,” agreed director of finances Sir Ogilvy Barnes. “We did what we could to modernise. We sold the carpark, nurses’ flats, catering and cleaning departments, even the hospital building itself, but then we had to pay for the owners’ profits as well as the services themselves. It was clearly an improvement on before, as it was clearly more modern, although it did take its toll. And, of course, we still had zero productivity.”
But the final straw came when the struggling trust was penalised for failing to meet its targets.
“When the government docked our grant, the writing was on the wall,” Barnes said, dismissing the demonstrators as “a vocal minority of valued customers whom we strive to do what’s best for.”
The protests were led by local woman Wendy Lanyard who rose to prominence last year when she successfully sued the hospital for losing her favourite hat after it blew out of a fifth floor Fertility Ward window and was eaten by crows.
“One year ago, a tribunal found in my favour,” she called to supporters, mutedly, through the wrong end of her megaphone. “Those crows were stoned on hospital waste, and I was delirious with natural justice. But now...”
“But now... what, Mrs. Lanyard?” a sad wind sighed.
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