(Electricity is your friend.)Police have admitted that mistakes were made in a crime-scene reconstruction that got out of hand, resulting in the deaths of two actors and the mutilation of a passer-by. The reconstruction was the latest attempt to inject new life into the hunt for popular local murder the Walsingdene Ripper, but – claim locals – was marred by overenthusiastic performances, and a too rigorous quest for accuracy.
Problems for police were compounded when, in a mocking missive published in this week’s Walsingdene Gazette, the Ripper taunted officers by confessing to tightening a bootlace around the neck of self-proclaimed fellow murderer the Haxey Slasher, which some people believe constitutes garrotting, and to forcefully inserting a blade between the ribs of his alleged rival in crime 15 times until he was quite dead, which some claim amounts to stabbing.
He then burnt the body after removing its genitals for security reasons.
Remains found at the scene showed signs of torture.
However, the slayer fell short of confessing to murder, insisting that bootlaces are not designed as garrottes, and that the blade was that of an innocuous Stanley knife, whose purpose is to cut paper and score wood, not stab people.
“Also, electricity is used in many hospitals, so it can hardly be called an instrument of torture,” wrote the Ripper, “and fire is the friend of Man. I believe in a strong, robust rule of law, without murders, and I think that the world we live in demands it. I would argue that the actions that I’ve taken are totally appropriate and consistent with that.”
Dismissing critics as amorphous entities, he added, “The Riper does not kill. I repeat: the Ripper does not kill. Nor does he mutilate. It is against our laws and it is against our values. By allowing myself to commit this vital act, I am in no sense doing so. And that is the only sense you simple folk need to concern yourselves with.”
“He’s got us there,” said Inspector Mannie Logogram.
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