Today sees the launch of a new scheme that could reduce the impact of state terror by up to 30%.The government is to offset up to a third of atrocities committed in its dungeons and foreign wars, and up to a fifth of heinous acts, with a one-off Good Day on which contractors will pay subcontractors to employ staff to grin at pedestrians, distract motorists with friendly waves, and just be pleasant generally.
In specially selected areas, pensioners will be rendered to the theatre to see impresario Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical based on his own hit BBC 1 series How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?, and babies bombarded with coochie-coo noises.
Rights groups have been broadly supportive of the plan, which will cost the taxpayer nothing, providing that they are descended from a medieval warlord who conquered the land by fire and the sword 900 years ago.
It is estimated that the suffering of ten thousand people inadvertently robbed, rent limb from limb, or kidnapped and held without trial in secret torture-jails could be offset in this way over the course of a single day’s kindliness.
Speaking at a dinner for rich and important folk from all over the world, Prime Minister Gordon Campbell described the Offsetting Wrongness bill as the single most nice thing he knows, and its effects as nothing short of affable.
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