Denier in Hospital after Denying Own Chin

(Shame: a rare image of David Irving’s soul, captured on psychic film by MI5 photographers. The pint-sized psyche is reputedly not on speaking terms with Irving’s body and mouth.)

Holocaust denier David Irving is in hospital tonight after accidentally denying his own chin.

The controversial historian rose to fame for denying Nazi atrocities. But when fans grew bored of these claims, Irving’s love of scandal forced him into making ever more daring refutations.

Following a series of botched denials, in which the would-be free-speech martyr attempted to deny sausages, velvet, and himself the use of rational thought, he became increasingly desperate.

“We can view the chin move as cry for attention,” said psychologist Spiro Wilkes.

Waiting for a lower jaw transplant, the Nazi sympathiser said, “Wwraarrrll waarrrarrrarrl rrawl.”

Hate Speech Now Too Hateful to Think About Rationally: Mobs

(No laughing matter: warp entities mock the racists in Saint Pancras Wormhole on their way to their alternative reality rally.)

Holocaust deniers David Irving and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad caused scandal today by attending a rally held by holocaust affirmers in an alternative universe where the shoah, mercifully, never happened.

“We must support our fellow counterfactualists,” declared President Ahmadinejad, “in their struggle against what is true in that world.”

“I’m no racist,” said Irving, “but some races are so loathsome that I fail to see any contradiction in not tolerating them, or - in that other universe - so badly victimised that we must do everything we can to defend them from bigots like us.”

But the contentious twosome came under fierce criticism from MPs, pundits and well-meaning mobs.

“Why protect minorities of opinion?” wondered Grenadier Lazuli, MP for Ploddingham North. “If there’s one thing that history has shown us, it’s that the majority are always right.”

“No one believes in the right to freedom of speech more than me,” began pundit Gemma 2000, “but not if people exercise it. Some ideas are just too loathsome to refute with logic and evidence. I’d rather see their exponents hailed as heroes than do that.”

Muhammad Action Figure Demanded / Denounced

Muslim leaders from two universes have called for a “Day of Impotent Rage” following the decision of Games Toyshop to - and not to - release an action figure of their prophet Muhammad.

“By omitting His Messenger, peace be upon him, the crusader toymakers insult God Himself,” protested radical cleric Yusuf al-Giraffi.

“By their blasphemous inclusion of God’s Messenger in their range,” his counterpart from the other universe agreed, “the infidels make a mockery of our unquestioning Faith.”

The two leaders joined forces to menace passers-by with placards and ‘dark looks’ outside London’s Saint Pancras Wormhole, threatening to boycott their own rational faculties if their demands were not met. But the angry alter-egos deny conspiring to shake hands outside the Israeli embassy, in hopes of triggering a waveform collapse with the strength of a trillion Hiroshimas: “Not in this reality, we didn’t.”

In our universe, Games Toyshop defended the decision, calling Muhammad a thinker “of purely local significance whose role in the development of wisdom is limited, for the most part, to doctrinal territory-marking among the Judaism-based sects of Late Antiquity. While he certainly had an impact on fashion and symbolic hygiene taboos specific to some cultures of Earth’s Middle East, his contribution to human understanding generally is negligible. No insult intended. Our Pocket Sages range is simply aimed at a broader market.”

In the other universe, Games Toyshop defended the decision, calling Muhammad “arguably the single sageliest guy in this or any other world. No insult intended to other wisemen. He comes complete with moon-splitter laser accessory, fiery halo and electric TurboCamelTM battle-mount. Batteries not included.”

Sales of Pocket Sages - which include galactic rebel The Primarch Horus, would-be ender of all suffering Siddharta Gautama, and popular televangelist Pat Robertson - have exploded as the controversy grows.

Queen Resigns over “Lost” Honours Disk

(Artist’s impression of the culprit: actual size.)

In an unprecedented move, Queen Elizabeth II resigned today after a floppy disk containing 25 million honours was “lost” in post.

The disk, which contained 25 million knighthoods, baroncies and OBEs intended for next New Year’s Honours List, was reportedly lost in internal post travelling between wings of Buckingham Palace, and “could be anywhere now” according to palace sources.

“Ain’t no evidence that it’s fallen into criminal hands though,” Sir ‘Mad Dog’ O’Hare told journalists. “No evidence at all.”

“Shit, it probably just fell down the back of a Caravaggio,” said His Grace, Baronette Sir Ray ‘Crusher’ Cocker, OBE, MBE, esq., “or summink.”

The royal resignation is to take place next summer in Westminster Cathedral and will be attended by leaders from over a hundred countries. It is expected to cost the British tax payer (Dave Jabot) a billion pounds, including up to one pound sterling. As this is a ‘state’ resignation, the queen will not be relinquishing her title or salary.

“How so that be,” she announced in an emergency amendment to the Queen’s Speech, delivered to parliament during the early hours of this morning, “in view of the trauma, my government and I have decided to reimburse my person with two extra birthdays and a big diamond. This is also an act of job-creation, as it will take many urchins to grind it, and many dentists to fit them with new teeth afterwards.”

Britain Facing Stupidity Timebomb

By 2020, over 2/3 of Britons will be too stupid to breathe. That’s the stark truth coming out of a new research today.

According to ‘data’, 80% of British men and 75% of British women will be total duffers by the third decade of the millennium, without the faintest idea of how to inhale or exhale.

“With no oxygen to power it,” scientists say, “the British heart will cease to pump. Britons will quickly lose consciousness and die.”

But others have slammed these guesstimates as deliriously optimistic. A team from Warwick University, composed of scientists and science-pundits, has produced a terrifying Venn diagram showing that a persistent diet of news-science will exacerbate the dim-wittedness, leaving Britons incapable of statistical reasoning.

“If current trends continue,” the pundits warned, “Britons will become oblivious to the flaws inherent in the projection of current trends indefinitely into the future without taking into account how variables affecting those trends may change. When that happens, as it inevitably must, Britons will be at our mercy.”

Britons refused to comment.

Christmas Warbot for Sullen Prince

Prince Harry is to receive a warbot for Christmas. The titanium-shielded assault-walker is thought to have cost the British taxpayer almost as much as farmers, but is more stylish than them, and more deadly. The state-of-the-art, 500-metre-tall, radioactive killing-machine is the latest in a series of measures designed to soothe the prince’s rage at being left behind when his boys (the working-class soldiers he was given to play with) had to go to Iraq to die.

The Ministry of Defence have invested 9.2 billion pounds over the last year developing the rampaging robot - whose armaments include neurocendiary rays, metropolis-obliterator missiles and smart-AIDS - plus a further 10 trillion on a designer drug, called UltraBlissTM (street name: scabs), to make the experience of piloting it more awesome. The drug is manufactured from paupers’ brain-pulp and the shattered dreams of migrants, according to M.O.D. sources.

“Harry’s a lovely lad, but he has a low boredom threshold (or, if the boredom is conceived of as coming in from the top, a high one),” said royal scientists Jhon D. Kool and Sentience Hiccough. “He’s balanced on a knife-edge at the moment. The slightest thing could set him off. The British public have been very understanding, giving generously to the Blue Peter ‘Whores for Harry’ appeal, which raised over 38 concubines for the fractious fourth-in-liner, including twin ‘wedding-gorillas’ and a necrodom, and he’s been drinking heavily. But there’s only so much pleasure that bad love and ethanol can bring. If we don’t find a better pastime for him soon, he could go ballistic!”

“And the money isn’t wasted either,” Hiccough added. “In years to come, the bot will be a mecha for tourists.”

Youths Cautioned over Shooting of Police Chief

(Signal victory: lawyers relax at the seaside after landmark ruling.)

The Crown Prosecution Service has announced that it will not be prosecuting six youths who gunned down Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair outside his home last summer, then fed defamatory lies about the 54 year old commissioner to the press in order to save their skins.

“Clearly, in one sense, mistakes were made,” said barrister Angus Reality, “but the youths were under the false impression that Sir Ian endorsed a shoot-to-kill policy vis-à-vis civilians. Their only concern was to protect the public.”

“Shooting Sir Ian fifteen times in the head and groin as he left for work that day was the only way to stop him,” said youth Sir Omar Alibi. “A shot to the leg or abdomen would have left his hands free to phone for a crack squad of marksmen to take someone out, maybe you or someone you love.”

Youth Sir Hamed Waverley-Davies, another of the have-a-go heroes, concurred: “A stun gun would have been no good either. Even unconscious, Sir Ian could still have been dreaming up new ways to repeal habeus corpus.”

“A crime was definitely committed, yes,” lawyer Marianne Ork conceded, “but let’s not play the blame game. These are trying times.”

A Game One

Peer of the realm, the right reverend Archbishop Alasdair Hube has issued an ultimatum to makers of boring videogames to get their ‘act’ together, or face legislation.

The move comes in response to the campaign of parents of lacklustre teenager, Martin “Jolly” Jollinson, who has become listless and more outgoing due to a spate of videogames. According to campaigners, he sits in his room and is bored almost to death by the spate, which invariably manifests in first-person shooter format, although it does give him something to talk about to other boys.

“Story and character development are sadly absent from these games,” a distraught Mrs Enigma Jollinson said, “although they are well-crafted in visual terms, and often make us laugh with their comical depictions of human violence. Some may contain Sexy Scenes.”

Archbishop Hube is not surprised. He has been studying the effects of boredom for over 50 years now, through the medium of his faith.

Dermis Away!

Bold Brackford man Mark Jessup said ‘pants’ to skin last Wednesday by having his chest and face flayed for charity.

Locals at the Fox-and-Fox’s-Head in Brackford took turns to tear strips of flesh from his torso as Mark, 23 (personalities), a blandness manager from Inimininimi Foods-Systems in Brackford, put on a brave face - that is, until it was ripped off with tongs.

Mark agreed to the stunt after his girlfriend Amy Slith, 6, said she was fed up with his bodily and facial skin.

He said: “It wasn’t so bad when the strips were being torn off, but about two seconds later it really hurt. I’m glad I had it done though. PET scans will be much cheaper now, and if I can help needy people it will all have been worth it.

The event raised one metres of skin.

Martyr’s Ghost Arrested for Fraudulent Transaction

LONDON: The ghost of a respected suicide bomber was taken into custody in London today following what is believed to have been an attempted fraudulent purchase at London toy shop.

“I just don’t know what it was thinking,” said London toy shop employee, Helen Skills. “One minute it was counting out 10ps, the next it flashed this credit card at me. But the pin number was all wrong. It had far too many digits. And the card wasn’t even plastic; it was cardboard and folded open like a book. And they weren’t even proper numbers, most of them, but letters which spelt out the words ‘Happy Birthday Helen’. It was a crime waiting to happen. I just had to report it.”

“The ghoul’s behaviour had us stumped,” line manager Derek Gloin confessed. “At first I thought it might be some form of flexibility or teamwork. But who can say what goes through their minds?” And forensic toymaker Bill Memory admitted to having no soundbite on the case.

The spectre, which is widely respected in extremist circles for its community work and cheeky grin, is reportedly serene tonight after a gruelling four hours’ questioning by police spiritualists, and was released in absentia on police bail. In a press statement, the former martyr’s lawyer declared, “Although my client is an avowedly evil spirit, it is opposed to the taking of human life, except in self-defence, which it defines broadly to include funny looks and apostasy. It is not, however, violent. Not in any sense that it accepts.”

Said London Police Chief, May Day-Heigh, “We are not, knowingly, pressing any charges at this current time, not as we define charges, although we reserve the right to do so, and may already have done so, conceivably, although it is hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes... Sometimes I almost feel...”

“We are considering all options,” interjected Assistant Chief Lombard quickly.

One Transformer was recovered from the scene. It was destroyed later by army specialists who melted its face to an unrecognisable mass with an army lighter, then went down to London pond, then threw it in the pond, then threw bangers at babies on London’s popular London Common, near the pond, but then got a right bollocking off some geezer on the common, which was a right laugh, then they all got bored cos there was nothing to do, yea? So they fucked off home for tea. Later, Home Secretary Michael Middlemass pushed through a bill that changed the definition of bangers to “bad guys” and that of babies to “Saint Elmo’s fire”, so that now this never happened. The soldiers’ mums agreed though that they were all “good boys at heart,” and their bosses that they were all “bad apples.”

Treat for Mums

Children at the Subaltern House School, Chinmeld, laid on a special Mother’s Day treat on Mother’s Day. Forty-five mums and grandmas turned up for a ‘lunch’, only to be lowered into vats of stomach acid!

As they were slowly being digested by the searing juices, pupils taunted them with mocking rhymes and enigmatic ballads which they had written themselves, some dealing with adult themes.

Although they didn’t prepare the toxic vats themselves, the children penned insulting messages on placards and horses’ skulls which they waved angrily, and the older children worked them over with hoses.

Nursery ubersupervisor Kerry Morgan said: “It was our gift to the mothers and grandmothers.”

Complex Woman Too Complex for Trial

A Sough woman accused of harbouring scapegoats cannot be tried. The reason? Because of her complexity, barristers report.

The trial of Bettae Pulsar Dillion-Guy was to have taken place this Thursday, at Sough village’s romantic Magistrates’ Cove. But following an investigation by court psychologist-urchins Martin Hairbrow and Scott Herald-Angels, it was revealed that Bettae was much too subtle for the law to deal with - at least as it stands at present.

Last month, Ms Pulsar Dillion-Guy, 27, of 12-76 Stanchion Avenue, Sough, admitted sheltering members of this decade’s scapegoat community. The case was adjourned, however, when she arrived at the legal beach looking pensive. She proceeded to shock the court by drawing distinctions too fine to for lawyers to grasp, including, but not confined to, one between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. Bettae was examined by the local urchins, who quickly pronounced her “deep,” with convoluted thoughts that showed a high degree of abstraction.

“When she opened her mouth,” said solicitor Roger ‘Bouncy’ Ball, “It was hard to understand what she was trying to say - it was that complicated. It would be folly for society to attempt to mould someone as peculiar as Mrs Pulsar - we would only mess her up.”

“It’s quite likely she’s considered these matters more thoroughly than we have, although she isn’t able to explain,” said solicitor Nancy ‘Prancy’ Steed. “What she has in mind probably won’t occur to the world at large for years.”

The case was adjourned indefinitely, and Ms Pulsar was declared a noble human being, in absentia.

We Forgot Recipe: Munitions Experts

Army munitions experts confessed today, after a week of glum speculation, that they simply “forgot” how to mix a key military recipe.

Joint Forces Command is appealing for anyone who remembers the recipe, which is for a secret ingredient, to come forward. The ingredient, nicknamed ‘Green Florence’ - or ‘Excoriating Flo’ for short - is a key element of fire bombs used to flush out enemies and instil anger into would-be enemies.

Although banned by the UN, it has been an important weapon in the War on Terror, albeit one whose existence was hitherto denied. The ingredient, which is designed to strip living flesh from the bone, has been used extensively in the War on Terror: in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Somalia, the Philippines, Switzerland, Peru - as part of the British army’s earthquake relief efforts there - and, briefly, in Cheshire for crowd control after Cheshire Constabulary were accidentally sent some in the post. No one was prosecuted over the mistake, and excitable toddler Josh did admit to getting a bit boisterous on the trampoline.

In an ironic twist, General Forces HQ still has blueprints for the noxious weapon; unfortunately, they are just too secret to read.

But the experts are confident that someone out there can help them: “We instructed many extremists in its use during the 1980s, and we know that young people often collect unexploded ordnance to play with, particularly those with a reckless streak. It’s almost certain that some of them would have worked out the recipe by now, either by trial - or, failing that - error. Naturally all contacts will be treated in the strictest confidence, such as we reserve for our own whistleblowers.”

Abbot Charged over Faulty Prayer-Wheel

Dzogchen Khenpo Gyatso Rimpoche, 19th incarnate tulku of the Jubtrul lineage and head of the Diamond Dharma Buddhist Monastery, Woresley, Kent, was charged with gross negligence at Kent Crown Court today, in connection with a faulty prayer-wheel.

Mr Gyatso stands accused of failing to properly maintain the 200 ton rosewood device, which is designed to pray for good karma and blessings. Regular servicing, prosecutors claim, could have averted last spring’s disaster in which a restraining bolt on the central camshaft became abraded and snapped, causing the giant apparatus of veneration to whirl around the monastery praying for a series of inappropriate boons.

“First I felt a rain of blossoms,” said Jenny Miller, tourist, who was caught in the stampede. “A minor miracle! I thought. I was just wondering who could have prayed for a thing of such fragrant beauty, when it came hurtling down the corridor at me and turned my cheeks into serpents - and my thoughts to liberation. There were people screaming everywhere, and monks stirred slightly from their yogic postures.”

She wasn’t the only one to suffer.

“It cast my soul into a herd of swine,” said monastery bouncer, Joanne Peterson.

“I saw smoke and incantations pouring from the lip of the device,” said visiting sage Wong Boying.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said neophyte Dilbo Trugs, who was meditating on transience when the automated worshipping-device worked loose from its fittings. “It just seemed to just go wild, praying willy-nilly for whatever came into its mind. Later I was shot by police. I don’t know why.”

The prayer took on a darker twist, however, when the machine broke into the monks’ praying mantis collection and started praying for what they pray for.

“It was at this stage that we started to become concerned for the wellbeing of the three worlds,” confirmed rustic rappers Grosset Butterworth and Amour Spudder, who happened to have exchanged jobs with the G’Gondarrk, Chief Constable of Kent police, for a day that day, for TV. “Those are savage insects. It was now praying for things like peace, equality, justice and freedom. When it put in a request for a world with no greed or hunger, we knew we had to act.”

But defence lawyers argue that the Reverend Dharma Master is not to blame. According to Pauline Tandem QC, it was “merely a vigorous prayer-cycle initiated by an over-exuberant school party that caused the mayhem in the main hall. Although, at first glance, the machine does appear to be chasing monks and chastening terrified members of the public while chanting obscene mantras, this is not the case. In fact, CCTV footage gives a false impression, since the cameras themselves were in a state of panic.”

A number of gods are implicated in the granting, including God (the Christian god) and Coyote (the Plains Indian trickster god), but they are unlikely to be called to testify, as the heavens have no extradition treaty with the UK.

“Perfect” Murder Marred by Loss of Human Life

(Irreparable loss: victim Saunders clubbing with cabinet ministers shortly before his demise.)

Serial killer The Walsingdene Ripper has shocked fans by renouncing his claim to have committed “the perfect murder”.

The brutal poisoning of elderly trust-manager Archibald Saunders was widely regarded as the Ripper’s masterstroke, baffling police and delighting his hardcore of supporters. But it seems there was one thing even this genius of the jugular overlooked.

“When I bumped off Archie, I thought I’d surpassed myself,” the 42 year-old slayer said. “There wasn’t a shred of evidence to connect me to the scene. Unfortunately, I hadn’t reckoned with the horrific consequences.”

Although the poison used was powerful and virtually untraceable, it had an awful effect on Mr Saunders. “He suffered terribly for the better part of a day. He was in agony, delirious, vomiting blood, and wracked by painful muscular spasms. There’s nothing perfect about that.

“And while I did inherit Mr Saunders’ fortune, thanks to a legal loophole, this pales into insignificance next to the trauma I inflicted on his loved ones: scheming wife Mary, jilted lover Lynn, his twelve disinherited daughters, Harold the army buddy he robbed and left for dead in Oman, vengeful golem Bill, and not forgetting his good old basset hound Horatio, loyal to the last in spite of the beatings. They all had reasons to want him dead, but, at the end of the day, were just too fond of him to go through with it.”

Mr Saunders’ death is the first, and so far only, killing to have been awarded the prestigious title of Perfect Murder by FIMA (the International Federation of Murder and Assassination), and only the fifth to be deemed a Very British Murder by the British Board of Bludgeoners.

“Each is a killing of outstanding cultural or historic significance to the life of these isles,” said BBB Slaughterer General, Dennis Exmore. “They are all exceptionally high quality murders. The Ripper has raised some important concerns, and we will look into a few other slayings now to see if any of them might be flawed in the same way. But I’m sure it’s just a blip. In fact, we’ve already put it behind us. And I’m very proud of that. Immensely proud, as I am of everything I’ve ever done. I urge people not to mind really.

“They should certainly not be extra wary if one of our members approaches them with a scalpel. There will be a legitimate reason for this.”

Saintly Girl Damned by Clerical Blunder

Heaven is to compensate the family of ‘good girl’ Abigail Hate with two free seats and a laudatory song. Abigail, a happy child known for her kindness, died rescuing a friend’s pet terrapin after it became lodged on high voltage cables outside her home in Butterworth, Suffolk. But scandal erupted in June when it emerged that trainee seraphim had accidentally damned Abigail to everlasting torment.

“I couldn’t believe it when the results came through,” said her spiritual mentor, Sunday school teacher Harry Starkley, whose office is filled with graphic depictions of the Netherworld. “Abigail was such a good girl, always lending a helping hand. If she can end up in the fires of Gehenna, what hope is there for wicked folk like us?”

“At first we thought nothing of it,” said village vicar, and vampire, Hillary Million, who stumbled upon the tragic scene, having been attracted by the scent of blood and the amphibian’s plaintive cries. “The little one was buried with full Brownie honours and we had a good old knees up in the High Street after, with British flags and hats and everything. And then this...”

A court has ruled that the admin angels were not given appropriate guidance in the use of new damning-machines which came on line earlier this year, and an enquiry found the heavenly host were under increasing pressure to deliver on perdition targets.

“Corners were cut,” summed up a group of travelling judges, who happened to drop in on the last day of the hearing.

“The computerised system was designed to speed up applications to eternal bliss,” said Dominion Esphixiel, Paradise’s Complaints Tzar, “but for Abigail it meant a speedy descent into hell. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to bring her back. We hope though that this gesture will go some way to mollifying the family. Abigail’s parents will now be able to commit awful acts with impunity, and angels will sing their praises.”

But Abigail’s mother Lamia Hate is furious about allegations that seraphs had been ‘playing chicken’ with the devices shortly before the her damnation, purposefully seeing how close they could get a soul to hell and still hoik it back.

“It’s a bleeding liberty,” she said. “The license to do wrong is a Godsend, especially in sleepy Butterworth. But they can’t fob us off with that. We’ve spoken to Abby (or it might be Amy now, or Amélie, or Amalorum?) personally through one of this country’s top mediums (on a no-invoke, no-fee basis) and she’s literally seething!”

Time Bombs Trap News Staff in 10-min Loop

LONDON: Four massive time bombs have exploded in Broadcasting House, headquarters of the BBC, this morning, in what is believed to have been a co-ordinated terrorist attack.

The blasts ripped through the heart of Department X, where the prestigious BBC 24 twenty-four hour news programme is produced, tearing up the fabric of time. As yet no attempt has been made to reach some 500 000 staff trapped in the rubble.

“The employees are unhurt, as far as we can tell, but they seem to be snared in a temporal loop,” said Whig Star, temporal head of London’s Metropolitan Police. “It would be folly to break the seal till we know what we’re up against.”

Police Psychologists are standing by for when, or if, the bubble bursts: “We’re particularly concerned for the wellbeing of newsreaders, who have been reading the same three items non-stop now for the better part of a day,” said psychologist Jeanette Saruman, who had wished to remain anonymous.

“One concerns a couple walking down an ordinary road, another deals with BBC coverage of this walking, and the third is about their own coverage of that coverage. We urge members of the public to switch off now for the sake of their own minds, or if that isn’t possible - because elderly relatives want it leaving on for company - at least try to talk over it and crack gentle meteorological jokes.”

War-on-Terror Victor May Never Be Revealed

(Terror contender: Osama demands closure.)

When the War on Terror ends, we may never know who won! That’s the startling bombshell leaked to London’s The Newspaper today. According to the explosive report, BBC planners believe that, whichever way the conflict goes, announcing the victor may simply be “not in the public interest.”

With the War on Terror entering its final decades now, expectation is rife as to who will come out tops. According to bookies, the odds-on favourite is still “a loose array of mutually antagonistic groups striving for diverse goals,” but it now looks increasingly less likely that we’ll ever find out.

Instead, broadcasting mandarins recommend that the winner and two runners-up be contacted in person at the close of hostilities and prizes sent discretely by PayPal.

Inevitably, some combatants have criticised the plan.

“This was never about the money,” said speechwriters of former American Presidential Candidate, and present ‘President Actual’ of the United States, George WWW ‘Dot’ Bush, speaking through him as best they could. “It’s true there is - what you call it? - a small cash prize, but that’s mainly just a symbol. It’s symbolic. That’s what I’m. What’s wrong with? What?”

And speechwriters of Osama bin Laden described the policy as “out of touch” and “a slap in the groin to ordinary terrorists and anti-terror officers. We accept that the outcome may not be the one we’d have liked, in an ideal world, but how can we move on unless we’re told?”

But Mark Thompson, future ex-Director General of the BBC, and current Director-in-Fact, rejected calls for an independent inquiry and denied allegations that the winner had already been decided in secret: “These are just suggestions from our adviser. Fronts are still open, and everything is very much to play for. I hope all sides will give it their best shot, and I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all good luck, although I realise that the net result of that will probably be a cancelling out of any additional luck my wishes may have brought.”

Voyeurs Still AWOL in Max Security Balloon

Missing prison balloon, Prison Balloon 5, “could be anywhere” after a week on the run and a search that has cost the British taxpayer (Marcus Howe) barely a billion pounds yet, while forfeiting the nation up to two whole prestige points on the UN informal ‘Best Country Board’. That’s according to a new police poll accidentally commissioned today, due to clerical fate, by the blimp itself.

The lofty lockup, which houses some of Britain’s most brutal voyeurs, was built out of ‘spare DNA’ in the form of a giant living eye as part of a scheme designed to shame inmates, but it seems the scheme backfired. The ghoulish gaol has looked once, say police, and should not be approached, “as it is much too high up. We urge the public to hide.”

The sentient private prison, hailed as the answer to Britain’s cell-shortage, is voted to have shrugged off its moorings on Tuesday night after an argument with keepers.

Under-eighteens have been issued with secular veils just for the emergency. “Patriot shawls obscure the face as effectively as the niqab,” said Home Secretary Samson Aspire, “but in a British way. Bans on religious masking still apply, except for Christian wedding veils, of course, and duchesses’ horse-race veils. We are also providing blinkers for concerned pundits.”

But it could be too late. “It’s likely the jail saw an act of virtual abuse near Portsmouth last night,” revealed forensic toy-maker Bill Memory, from memory, “and it has almost certainly imagined more.”

Ben and Rachel Gargantua, twin heads of Her Majesty’s Prison Service, praised the secure unit’s restraint and called on it to turn itself in to one of the pin-toting mobs out baying for its gas, as top detectives were reassigned from Homicide to stop the pervy penitentiary before it witnesses the orgy of panic sweeping the nation.

“The big fear is that some or all of the voyeurs could escape,” subvocalised ‘Full-Spectrum Inspector’ Sister Cecilia Apollo, self-appointed leader of the investigation, in her sleep yesterday. “With things as they are,” the 12 year old sister of two is expected to tell reporters who happened to have gathered at her bedside on unrelated business, “there’s no knowing what they might view.”

Terrorist Found in Gitmo - Bad Shock

(Left: Cheney breaks the news to dignitaries in his private lair.)

US authorities have announced the shocking discovery of a terrorist at Guantánamo Bay detention camp: “This is the last place we expected one to hide,” said US Defense Secretary Dick Cheney. “If we can find a terrorist in Gitmo, they could be anywhere!”

Since its inception over 230 years ago in response to the Al-Qaeda threat, US authorities had come to despair of results at the camp, but were too embarrassed to release more than a handful of prisoners: “With widespread use of specially approved incentives that do not amount to torture,” clarifies military interrogator Major Daniel Zwavelzuur, “almost all of the 70 000 plus inmates have confessed to being a terrorist at one time or another. But knowing if any were telling the truth is another matter. It’s typical bad-guy obfuscation.”

The terrorist, whose name has not been revealed yet for security reasons, is thought to be held on level 110b of the underground detention complex.

“That’s a wing reserved for suspects who have slipped into a coma to escape justice,” Major Zwavelzuur explains.

“I’m afraid we can’t release details of his offence at this time,” said Cheney, speaking at a rotary club dinner recently, “but I can say that it was an act of extreme psychological terror, perpetrated shortly after the tenth anniversary of his capture.”

Subtlety First for London’s The Newspaper

London’s The Newspaper newspaper surprised critics today by introducing into one of its articles a note of ambivalence. For the first time in its 120 year history, the popular tabloid broadsheet granted that there might be two sides to a story.

The break with tradition comes ten months into the Whilmsley Pre-School siege. Till now, editors have been outspoken in their support for the SAS men’s right to let off steam in any way they choose, even launching an appeal to buy electric eye-gougers for the high-spirited lads currently holed up in the Suffolk playgroup.

The paper has repeatedly slammed claims that the soldiers “lost it” during last year’s Armistice Night revelries as “political correctness gone feral.” It successfully sued for treason the parents of one little girl who objected to their daughter being used as a human egg-timer, and successfully flayed alive a paediatrician who minded his patient being used as a human hungry hippo.

But a steady stream of readers’ letters forced them to concede that residents have rights too: to a good night’s sleep.

“It’s... difficult,” said editor Roy Sportson, “getting your head around two whole things at once. On the one hand, they are our boys. But then there’s house prices to consider. The horrendous screams are potentially off-putting, both to first-time buyers and to the experienced home-hunter. Some of our shareholders have a lot of dough invested in that village; some have even invested money.”

But Sportson reassured readers that today’s leader would not set “some kind of ghastly precedent. Tomorrow we lead on bisexualism; there’s no two ways about that.”

The Danish Verses

Hundreds of mermaids were beheaded across the Middle East today, and a mastiff set alight, having been mistaken for a Great Dane, following claims that key Islamic scriptures were redrafted by drafts-spies from Jutland.

The artistic agents are accused of travelling back in time to corrupt the Hadith, a body of tradition in Islamic jurisprudence, which records the deeds and wise sayings of the Prophet Muhammad. The Hadith reveals which verses to obey when the Quran contradicts itself; it outlines how to live properly and how to punish disagreers. But now a team of imams at Tehran University have found ‘smoking gun’ evidence of sabotage, and a gut feeling for who done it.

“We were studying the writings to get a better understanding of how to love God more,” said Ayatollah Rasoul Hobseini, “but, to our horror, we found them peppered with bigotry, intolerance and a, frankly, medieval attitude towards women. It’s hard to think of a bigger insult to our faith.”

“The Danes will have blood on their hands: who’s to know what we will do in our rage?” said Grand Ayatollah Paellah-Patellah Mulhollani Testostari.

The tampering is believed to be retaliation for the Jyllands-Posten cartoon row in which mobs stoned butter and other products associated with the offensive peninsula, and things that rhymed with them. Rioters in Karachi expressed their wrath by spurning existential philosophy for a day, while, in Iran, innovative low-budget films about ennui were pulled from cinemas. Most shockingly of all, the Danish Prime Minister Morten Stod was dismantled in lego effigy, by pilgrims in Mecca, and symbolically put back in his box.

But extremist cleric Sheikh Yusuf al-Giraffi called the imams’ research “a fable and a detestable lie. Even if we have been manipulated here by unscrupulous (albeit gifted) agents, what can we do?” he said, almost in tears from the embarrassment. “These outrageous beliefs are ours now. Anyone who rejects them will go to hell.”

Crimewave Blamed on Influx of Governments

(Divide and conquer: a legislation too many?)

Residents of Two Close, Eely, were in uproar tonight after it emerged that yet another government has moved onto their quiet English street. The regime, which arrived yesterday and is still unpacking, is said to be a relatively liberal administration with strong, albeit vague, views on something it calls “the Family.”

Locals voiced their fears at an emergency meeting in Two community centre where feelings were running high. A one-armed man, who did not wish to be identified, called the state a “hypocritical robber,” and claimed that it had victimised him for years. Others said they had seen the government watching them from its back garden and making notes. And a perceptive youth warned that it would “exploit our paranoia to set us all at loggerheads.”

But the new arrival, speaking through a TV channel it happened to control, asked for patience, declaring that it “wasn’t like other governments.”

There are estimated to be some 12 000 governments now living in the Cambridgeshire town, with up to twice that many in the surrounding fens, lurking. Although most are small governments, they are fiercely territorial, and responsible for a disproportionate amount of crime in the area.

Residents complain of kidnappings, theft, extortion, firearms offences, torture and pontifications.

The legislative bodies arrive with “different standards,” according to local ventriloquist Maggie Capricorn, speaking through a ‘friend’. “They lope into town on moonless evenings, get drunk on power, and make life a misery. Many seem unfamiliar with basic morality. In terms of ethics, they’re probably about four centuries behind the average person. They are truly the neighbours from hell.”

“They’ve virtually monopolised violence,” said police poet Jocund Bo, “Much of it’s linked to feuds between fellow legislative bodies from all over the world, but innocent bystanders are often the ones who suffer.”

However, in a statement beamed into residents’ dreams, the government assured them it was committed to unspecified change and bound to its neighbours by a “social charter” of unknown content, which none of them had signed up to, and with no opt-out clause, adding that it would also like to strengthen “the Family” and “the values of the Family values.”

Fire at Mesmerists’ Ball Claims Police Reserve

(Flammable magnetism: looters espy the head of a mesmerist swollen with fire and self-importance.)

Opposition leader Mary Ludi has called on the government to launch a full public inquiry into the fire at last year’s Mesmerists’ Ball.

The fire, which cost the lives of over a hundred practitioners of the mesmeric arts, was aggravated by the powerful currents of animal magnetism released by the dying hypnotists’ minds. Firecrews were often immobilised, or compelled to act out their desires, while police lost all reserve, regressing to the age of twelve, or beyond; a nearby journalist relived an earlier life as Queen Nefertiti, and paramedics could only look on, mesmerised, as flames licked the nostalgic, rosy-hued building.

Giggling Women Expelled from Jail

Two women in jail for intent to glorify waywardness were ordered home today because they couldn’t stop giggling. Rudolfina Albion, 23, and Beth Belly of the Marsh were ordered to comport themselves in their cell, or else get out.

Belly apologised for giggling but said it was a nervous reaction. She was meditating on the gravity of her offence, and that’s what triggered it. Albion, too, was nervous, and was ‘set off’ by Belly’s inability to control herself, she said.

But other prisoners were being affected, and it was thought best to let them go. Said governor Mary-Ann Fomalhault, “We could not afford to let these raucous rascals disturb the others. They were ruining the feel of the prison.”

Police are said to be disappointed, but not surprised.

Pundits at a Loss to Explain Man’s Ire

A Berkshire man was furious today, although it is not known why. The fury, which began soon after he got up, and rose to a crescendo during his morning cup of tea, has attracted a flurry of speculation from pundits.

“I don’t know what’s caused it,” the man told reporters who must have somehow wandered into his front room earlier. “It just feels like I’m literally hopping mad.”

Local MP Quentin Talbot suggested that it might be something to do with taxes, “or would it help to have less tax for the super rich?”

“No, it’s not that,” said the man, his ears steaming.

Others thought it might be hospital closures, but the man assured them otherwise: “It’s true I am concerned about our local maternity ward. But not incensed.”

London’s The Newspaper laid the blame squarely on vulnerable people on the fringes of society and proposed that the man might be afraid of Britons becoming a ‘soft touch’ with them. But the man wasn’t convinced.

Sociologists at Keel University could have sworn that it was anomie. But he just shrugged.

“One thing’s for sure though,” he seethed, “I’m not going to take much more of this, whatever it is.”

The man’s partner Louise says she is 360% behind him: “It’s all a bit baffling at the moment,” she conceded, “but once we find out, there’ll be hell to pay.”

Causus Belli Contest Winners Announced

(Over the moon: Mrs Bradbury from Cradbury.)

Winners were announced today in the government’s competition to find a just cause for invading Raratonga.

The Pacific atoll, which was annexed last summer, is the latest in a series of increasingly mystifying wars Britain has become embroiled in over recent years. After widespread criticism of the official motive, Raratonga’s non-existent ray weapons, and a bewildering array of substitute reasons, the then Prime Minister Guy Ace launched a public contest to find grounds that would be acceptable to all.

“We’ve had a phenomenal response,” said competition organiser Ahabella Wildern. “Over two people entered, and the quality of entries has been physically stunning. It’s been a long and painful process choosing a winner. Perhaps we should not have used rusty metal hooks.”

In third place, winning him a lucrative security contract in Raratonga, came Guy Ace’s “security or humanitarian concerns or string or nothing,” which judges say would probably have ranked even higher had it not been his 80th guess - and cheating. Second was the Walsingdene Ripper with “long term geopolitical goals of an erstwhile ally.” The noted murderer takes home a large slice of Raratonga’s walking cake industry. But first prize, the entire mineral wealth of Raratonga and surrounding reefs, went to inventive housewife Mrs Bradbury from Cradbury who put the war down to “serendipity.”

“It was the down-to-earth ring of Mrs Bradbury’s answer that struck us,” said prize-judge Heidi Wenceslas. “Honest things are often down-to-earth, our researchers say. And it seemed to have roughly the right number of syllables.”

The contest raised a trillion billion dollars (about £30 pounds) which will certainly go to a good cause now that there is one we can all finally agree on.

As the lowest scoring entrant, Ace also won the booby prize: a mountain of rotting corpses and a holiday in Raratonga.

Award an Insult: Parents of Accident-Prone Teen

(Last known images of Martin, captured by CIA spybots embedded, by chance, in his best friend’s retina.)

Parents of accident-prone teenager Martin “Jolly” Jollinson have described compensation they received for their son’s demise as an “insult”.

Mister and Misses Jollinson were awarded Nepal last week by a government keen to put the ungainly youth’s misadventure safely behind them. Nepal, which is rich in mineral assets and blessed with almost boundless potential for tourism, was made over to the Jollinsons in a special sitting of Parliament.

But Martin’s parents described the Himalayan kingdom as a snub and an affront to the memory of their ham-fisted boy: “It’s not the money we’re interested in,” said Mrs Enigma Jollinson, “only its texture and buying power.”

The maladroit youngster, who was accidentally disembowelled while playing with friends in a hole, was not available for comment.

Nasty Verses Figurative, Theologians Warned

(Tzar Wars: Holmes tells believers intolerance will not be tolerated.)

Representatives of the country’s leading religions (with the exception of Judaism) received a stern reminder today from tolerance tzar Wenefer Holmes. The experts were told, in no uncertain terms, to interpret the hate-filled invective of their respective holy books in the spirit their loving Maker surely intended it: figuratively.

Scripture, which alternates between expressions of great fondness for humankind, and very dire malice, has long been recognised as a theological minefield, or possibly a ticking timebomb - experts are divided on which cliché is the more apt. “But the underlying truth of all religions is plain to see,” averred Holmes. “The meanness we find there is clearly a metaphor for the love we should feel. And commandments to discriminate against people on ethnic or sexual or sectarian grounds are so obviously a poetic way of describing how we should all get along that it’s incredible how anyone could miss it! The nice verses are to be taken literally though. It stands to reason.”

Holmes appended, “Needless to say, these remarks do not apply to Judaism, lest they be misconstrued as anti-Semitic. Nor to the Islamic faith in case they are taken in the wrong way and stick in someone’s craw. Christianity too is excluded because we don’t want to take advantage of this lovely, albeit fierce, religion of forgiveness.”

Religious leaders are understood to be broadly in agreement with the reminder, although mild-mannered contortionist Betty Sunday described it as “opinion-rape,” and hard-line cleric Yussuf al-Giraffi doubted the existence of the remarks, unless perhaps they were a fabrication by Zionists. Meanwhile bashful hyperbaptist David Sending issued several objections by email later, after he got home, arguing that all parts of his Bible are literal, even the bits which the Good Christ himself calls parables.

Holmes has yet to comment on the response in her official capacity as head of the TEA (Tolerance Enforcement Agency); privately though, she is said to be reviewing the matter “as through a glass darkly.”

New Day Dawns in Fight on Terror

(Artist’s impression of the new day dawning through curtains.)

This week sees the release a brand new day. The new day, the first since Monday was introduced over 30 years ago, will come after Sunday but before Sunday ends. It will combine elements of most of the early-to-mid weekdays, a hint of Tuesday’s briskness and the wistful abandon of certain squally Thurdsays.

“It’ll be a boon to business,” foretells time consultant Ian Purview, “and a big boon to big business.”

But the government has drawn flak from some quarters over the length of the day. “I haven’t done the figures,” said Home Secretary Hesba Gorvinal, “but, at a little over six months, it will probably work out as one of the longer segments into which the British week is divided.”

While parliamentary opposition has, thus far, kept the maximum period of detention without trial for terror suspects to 28 sunarounds, police have been finding ever more ingenious ways to get around the ban on lengthier holdems: for example, by making arrests during summer months when the days are longer, or on boring days which seem to drag more. The new one is the latest in a series of measures designed to put a stop to these quasi-legal / quasi-illegal practices.

It is not yet known whether the day will be a weekday or a weekend day, but experts concede that its morning will probably be a tragedy for workers, “albeit in a cathartic way.” Nevertheless, the afternoon is anticipated to be slightly Christmassy, “which will be a slight thrill.” Teatime of the new day, whose name has yet to be announced, will be makeshift and resemble a Bank Holiday breakfast, while the evening is to be given over mainly to local matters.

One novel feature is that the new day will have no night, that being replaced by an incandescent period called ‘Caravel’.

No End in Sight for Protests over Offensive Planet

(Blasphemars: should the insensitively eroded planet be nuked for the sake of interfaith harmony, or is it enough to just paper over the whole sky? Have your say.)

Scores have been hurt and dozens injured in largely peaceful bombings across the Middle East today, following the publication of images from Mars thought to depict a well known prophet.

The digitally enhanced images, which were captured last year by the US space-probe Mars Global Destroyer, but only this week released at NASA’s website, are said to depict the prophet, who is revered by Muslims, in a state of undress, which is frowned upon by Muslims.

According to some interpretations, it is forbidden to depict the face of the prophet. Many Muslims also regard the pig as an unclean animal, and, like Jews and Christians, consider bestiality an abomination.

However, hard-line cleric Sheikh Yusuf al-Giraffi has called the images “without religious significance,” claiming that they are simply an eroded plateau. And in a statement issued tonight via its blog, the authenticity - or existence - of which could not be verified, the Mujahideen Shura Council (an extremist umbrella organisation) commended the US space program for “opening our eyes to the wonder of the cosmos.”

No End in Sight for Protests over Offensive Sura

Scores have been hurt and one injured in largely peaceful gas-attacks and religiously motivated knifings across the Middle East today following the discovery of a hitherto unknown Koranic verse in which a well known prophet, who is revered by Muslims, defames himself, an act which is anathema to Muslims.

The outrage was probably caused by Zionists, according to a statement issued by the Mujahideen Shura Council (an extremist umbrella group), “although it is not known in what sense.” Others have blamed an old episode of Star Trek.

Bin Laden Not Crazy Enough: US

(Left: artist’s impression of what Bin Laden ought to look like.)

Conservative voices have been strangely muted today following Osama bin Laden’s latest video release, in which the father of fifty spoke warmly of fellow monotheist George W Bush. The terror-lord lambasted Bush as “a devout individual who does not shy away from tough decisions.” Controversially, Sir Usama praised the American decision to invade Iraq, which he called an Islamic state “in name only.”

The Saudi supervillain was still unsure whether he’d ordered the 9/11 attacks, but vowed to try hard to remember for next time. He went on to identify an overlap of interests between Muslim extremists and Western big business: “the Mujahideen are striving for much the same thing as the agents of kafir colonialism, albeit for different reasons,” and confounded critics by doing a little dance.

US Defense Secretary Dick Cheney described the overlap as “troubling,” and the dance as “troublingly sprightly,” while memoirist Donald Rumsfeld said he wished the holy warrior could have rambled more and been more “off the wall.”

Tora Bora’s ‘have-a-go-hero’ also found common ground with liberals, denouncing capitalism in no uncertain terms. The anti-globalisation movement is said to be reconsidering its sympathy towards the oppressed of the world, in the light of Bin Laadin’s self-styled support.

“Global warming is a fact,” recalled One Earth campaigner Mittenglove Clithero, “and the overwhelming consensus is that it’s man-made - or so we thought. But if OBL agrees, clearly our science is wrong. Or perhaps it would be wiser to destroy our planet after all? The dance was very nice.”

Israeli ambassador Mordechai Schwarzgerät confessed to horror when he heard the sheikh’s stand against anti-Semitism and the crime of Holocaust denial: “I’ve struggled my whole life against this pernicious creed. But if Osama opposes it too, I don’t have a leg to stand on.” Meanwhile Britain’s The Newspaper newspaper reluctantly abandoned its ‘eye-for-an-eye’ approach to justice: “In the light of current developments, we feel that would be an insensitive view to hold,” conceded editor Roy Sportson.

“I suppose he knows best,” muttered Mrs Bradbury from Cradbury, Wilts., who had her neck blown off by the terror group, “but I wish I had my neck back.”

Prayers Too Late to Save Our Boy: Parents

(Late service: bishop says, “Sorry for heartache.”)

Archbishop Alasdair Hube has issued an apology to the parents of disembowelled teenager Martin “Jolly” Jollinson. The climbdown follows a week of anguish during which the bishop said he was not to blame for the happy-go-lucky youngster’s untimely end while playing with friends in a hole.

The trouble came when Bishop Hube held a service “to pray for Martin.” But the prayers, according to Martin’s father, came “much too late.”

“Twelve days ago, a well placed prayer might have made all the difference,” said an angry Mr Riddling Jollinson, “but now it’s just so much wasted oration. The words could have been better spent castigating outsiders, or pooh-poohing the artistic achievements of our age.”

Police are currently trying to recreate little Martin’s last movements - with the help of a police contortionist.

Hackers Raid DNA Database, Make ‘Unspecified Changes’

(Putting out feelers: Jonty Hister.)

Home Secretary Jonty Hister has called on the Chinese government to come clean on virtual terrorism today after it emerged that cyber warriors of the People’s Liberation Army hacked into the national DNA database and made unspecified changes to the British phenotype.

“We can’t say yet what changes may have been implemented,” Hister told reporters, “if any. Investigations are still at a larval stage.”

Members of the public are urged to contact emergency services if they spot anything out of the ordinary.

Troops Withdraw, Leave ‘Presence’

(Top brass: left to right to left to right to left to right, generals Resurgam & Manticore.)

British troops withdraw from Basra this week, but will leave a ‘presence’ in the city. The presence is expected to be ill-defined, according to General Sir Phoenix ‘Birdie’ Resurgam, and broadly sinister, “more of a feeling really.”

“It’s a vague presence, yes,” agreed General Sir Frank ‘Bitsie’ Manticore, “but one that should raise a few goose bumps on residents.”

The presence is to be centred on the British base in Basra, a former palace. However, defence sources deny that the base will be haunted: “There’ll be a certain ambiance, naturally,” confessed Defence Minister One, “after all that’s happened there, but it would be off-message to call it a haunting.”

Terror Strike in Dream has Cops Baffled

Specially trained anti-terror officers, selected from among the very laziest members of the force, will be ‘drifting off’ today in a bid to investigate a terrorist attack that cost the lives of ten faceless ‘carnesians’ and a lizard-cat, as well as causing the officers’ teeth to fall out.

The detonation was silent with an iridescent shockwave that expanded at walking pace and is dreamt to have melted the London Eye. The colossal disembodied eye was reduced to cream by the explosion which also tore open the reptilian moggy to reveal a working lightbulb and a human breast. Bystanders were simply undressed by the blast. Police have been drifting in and out of sleep through the early hours in search of clues.

But it isn’t easy, say the legal lethargios. It seems the languid lawmen are finding it increasingly hard to “get back off.” Explained night-terror officer Gen of Eve: “All the excitement of the case just keeps rousing us.”

“We did find a handwritten note,” divulged PC Admiral Stocking, another of the sleepy sleuths, “at one stage in the investigation, inside of the cat’s stomach, but the letters kept morphing. The ascenders and descenders were all over the place. Later the page was blank. It’s more like a big jelly now.”

“Only it’s got hairs on it,” added colleague PC Uncle’s Hilliard, “and mutters.”

It is not known who - or what - ‘carnesians’ are, although analysts believe that they may represent alienation.

Al-Qaeda to Take Back Attack because Security Forces “Not Ready Yet”

(Date with detonation: last known image of the Snapes on their way to that fateful picnic, from CIA spybots hidden - by sheer coincidence - in all of the elderberries that lined their route.)

Terror deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri has acceded to demands that Al-Qaeda take back its latest move in the War on Terror because security forces “weren’t ready yet.”

The beheading of Lucy Snapes and daughter Nell at a family picnic last June, followed by the brutal detonation their two golden retrievers, Happy and Slappy, was widely regard as Al-Qaeda’s finest move, combining shock with the element of surprise (the so called ‘uh?’-factor), “but,” said al-Zawahiri, “there is no pleasure in an unfair victory over the forces of secularism. If the twin Satans of US Imperialism and random people were unprepared for the swiftness of divine justice that day, then fine. Next time they will have no excuse.”

The desiccated remains of Ms Snapes and her daughter are to be sewn up by Al-Qaeda scientists and reanimated next Tuesday at a private ceremony, while the dogs will be assembled by some of Al-Qaeda’s top dog-scientists just as soon as all dog fragments are recovered. The terrorist network is appealing to ramblers who may have picked any up on their boots to come forward as soon as possible so Tuesday’s event goes alright and no mutant semi-dogs are produced.

Security sources told reporters they were satisfied with the decision and assured the public that they are now “well ready. Although, of course, nothing can prevent another attack.”

Giant Diversion

Scientists have published plans for diverting a brazen giant that could collide with Britain, killing millions, thirty years from now.

The 111 foot tall ogre is expected to wade within two nautical miles of the English coast in 2036 when she will be visible from Cornwall, weather permitting. But financial imperatives could bring her dangerously close to our shores.

The robed colossus, which has been rampaging around the world for some years now, stressing people out by stomping on them - sometimes so badly that unfortunately they pass away beneath her 200 tonnes of stainless steel and copper - is easily identifiable by her classical appearance: green skin, seven-pronged crown, and the flaming golden torch she holds aloft.

“The risk of a collision is vanishingly small,” said chief scientist Ollie Synch, “but we’d be wise to take precautions while there’s still time. If we leave it too late, only a nuclear blast could drive her off course!”

The marauding creature is believed to be French in origin, though latterly resident in the United States. According to scientists, her main prey is tired people, poor people and huddled masses. She is currently controlled by supervillains from a series of lairs.

Bogus Births

If current trends continue, taxpayers will be picking up the ‘bill’ for seven billion bogus births set to flood the country over the next 500 years!

That’s the stark truth issued today by self-appointed think-tank Contagion Squared who predict that Britain could be swamped by bogus babies, many of whom will grow into completely bogus people with no existence at all outside of this very statistic, let alone ones with a legitimate reason to stay in this country and be moulded into individuals here.

Opposition Leader, Mr Owl S. Owl’s-Howl Miawl, Saint, has called the potential flooding and swamping “potentially disastrous,” and, in a statement issued later jointly by his own dead body and head, “potentially very wrong indeed.”

The figures will come as a blow for a Home Office already reeling from a spate of tenuousness scandals, including a leaked biro which cast doubt on the ground, the shock announcement that Scotland is a myth, and culminated badly in yesterday’s admission that there never was a prison service. Religious leaders have been quick to point the finger at serpents, “because they are so slippery and slithery!” But according to Prime Minister Bzildarrk X-114 ‘The Destroyer’ Turpinson, root causes are to blame.

Horror at Fair!

This year’s Limbstock Fair went ahead without a hitch today despite fears that the event might be a target for terrorists. But “a full-blown terrorist assault,” which did not take place, “could have been catastrophic,” according to media sources.

“A few well placed bombs had the potential to wreak havoc,” warned a special edition of The Limbstock Jupiter, “if there’d been any.”

“The horror is overwhelming,” wallowed guest editor Sir Osama bin Laden in London’s The Daily Newspaper, “driving out all right sense. It’s an awful tragedy and one that will leave deep scars on the nation’s psyche. What’s more: had it occurred, it would have been even worse.”

“It would have been the government’s own fault,” concurred The Pneuby Advertiser on what proved to be a day of sun and rain. Danny Knap won a teddy. His best mate Maz had to hide from a bee, for a time. Amelie Pulsar cried when she dropped her ice-cream, but cheered up at the Shove Halfpenny when she saw some silly boys’ antics.

“Obviously we’d have been a bit devastated,” mum Sandra told reporters eager for her take on the atrocity, “but I suppose we’d have managed as best we could.”

News crews are still struggling to come to terms with the lack of loss of life.

Limbstock Facts:

• Limbstock is a market town that has not exploded.
• The rolling hills of Limbstock are a Mecca for holidaymakers.
• The Number 1 activity in the Limbstock Hills is walking, followed closely by sitting down.

Druids Admit to “Dossing About” at Rite

Two government druids were in custody today after admitting that they “dossed about” at a crucial ceremony, accidentally calling down a force of evil.

Druids Rhiannon Gathen and Simon Light expressed increasing remorse as the evil, which is thought to be pure evil, showed no signs of lifting: “We normally perform our rites with the utmost respect for the forces of nature,” asserted Rhiannon, a more senior ‘white birch’ druid, “but on this occasion, we took to dossing about instead.”

The inept adepts were spotted by sightseers cavorting near a trilithon when they should have been welcoming in the summer at the druidical temple of Stonehenge in Wiltshire, one of a sequence of rituals the priestly pair conduct each year, as a precaution, for the Ministry of Defense. Before they knew it, Britain’s most ancient sacred site was enveloped in a malign force of unspecified nature. The force is still there, over three months on, but has not done anything yet, as far as anyone can tell.

“We haven’t noticed anything especially bad,” shrugged local butchers, the conjoined Old Sarum husband-and-wife-and- husband-and-husband-and-wife-and-husband sextuplets Andy, Mandy, Randy, Gandhi, Sandy and Andy II Palpatine, “but whether life would have been less horrible otherwise? We can only wonder.”

According to experts, it may be that the force is a force of such pure evil that it is simply too abstract to interact with matter. But visitors to the 5000 year old monument are cautioned to be extra vigilant this year just in case it can.

Minister Defends Gassing: Better Us than Extremists

In a strongly worded statement, Children’s Minister Nathan Mind has defended his decision to squirt four infants at Tuesday’s Wellbridge Flower Show with nerve toxins.

The attack, which parents say came “out of the blue”, occurred just outside of Sadako Campbell’s celebrated Zen water garden, within sight of the lily pond. According to eyewitnesses, the three girls and a boy were ostensibly minding their own business when they were gassed by the burly father of four.

But the minister was adamant today that his assault was necessary and would commit it again, given half a chance. “Were it not for our party’s tough decision to go ahead with such undertakings,” he told the Commons Select Committee on Unconscionable Affairs, “we run a serious risk that extremists might do exactly the same. It would be a sad day for this country if our attack had been perpetrated by radicals - it may even have constituted a hate crime! I also believe very strongly that indiscriminate violence is an issue that mainstream politicians need to address before it is too late. Otherwise we leave the floor open to bigots of the worst kind.”

The children, who were rushed to Great Bedlam Hospital with stigmata and breathing difficulties, are believed to be in a stable condition tonight. Doctors have said they expect the youngsters to make a full recovery, although there is a slight risk that some may develop a wisdom beyond their tender years.

No Denial over Secret Measures

Government sources this morning are refusing to deny the existence of a flotilla of secret anti-terror bills, rumoured to have come into force at midnight. According to a leaked Downing Street memo headed “note to self”, the mystery measures - a first in English Law - are to be supplied on demand to legal practices and licensed anti-terror officers, but will not be made available to the public due to security concerns.

“Flaws in laws,” admitted one source, “so called ‘law-flaws’, have been exploited time and again by clever terrorists determined to pervert or, in extreme cases, invert the courses of justice.”

The clandestine legislation is believed to be encrypted using a mixture of Medieval Latin, Old Norman French and an enigmatic form of English developed specially for the purpose. It is expected to comprise the vanguard to a vast and ever-expanding array of new, and largely unknown, decrees which lawyers hope will make for a more efficient legal system.

Although there has been no official announcement on what the alleged rules, if they exist, are supposed to accomplish, experts point to fears of a law crash during the 2012 London Olympics, and the government’s desire to stop English citizens from switching to Roman, Scottish or (if worst comes to worst) Firefox Law.