(Irreparable loss: victim Saunders clubbing with cabinet ministers shortly before his demise.)Serial killer The Walsingdene Ripper has shocked fans by renouncing his claim to have committed “the perfect murder”.
The brutal poisoning of elderly trust-manager Archibald Saunders was widely regarded as the Ripper’s masterstroke, baffling police and delighting his hardcore of supporters. But it seems there was one thing even this genius of the jugular overlooked.
“When I bumped off Archie, I thought I’d surpassed myself,” the 42 year-old slayer said. “There wasn’t a shred of evidence to connect me to the scene. Unfortunately, I hadn’t reckoned with the horrific consequences.”
Although the poison used was powerful and virtually untraceable, it had an awful effect on Mr Saunders. “He suffered terribly for the better part of a day. He was in agony, delirious, vomiting blood, and wracked by painful muscular spasms. There’s nothing perfect about that.
“And while I did inherit Mr Saunders’ fortune, thanks to a legal loophole, this pales into insignificance next to the trauma I inflicted on his loved ones: scheming wife Mary, jilted lover Lynn, his twelve disinherited daughters, Harold the army buddy he robbed and left for dead in Oman, vengeful golem Bill, and not forgetting his good old basset hound Horatio, loyal to the last in spite of the beatings. They all had reasons to want him dead, but, at the end of the day, were just too fond of him to go through with it.”
Mr Saunders’ death is the first, and so far only, killing to have been awarded the prestigious title of Perfect Murder by FIMA (the International Federation of Murder and Assassination), and only the fifth to be deemed a Very British Murder by the British Board of Bludgeoners.
“Each is a killing of outstanding cultural or historic significance to the life of these isles,” said BBB Slaughterer General, Dennis Exmore. “They are all exceptionally high quality murders. The Ripper has raised some important concerns, and we will look into a few other slayings now to see if any of them might be flawed in the same way. But I’m sure it’s just a blip. In fact, we’ve already put it behind us. And I’m very proud of that. Immensely proud, as I am of everything I’ve ever done. I urge people not to mind really.
“They should certainly not be extra wary if one of our members approaches them with a scalpel. There will be a legitimate reason for this.”
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