Minister Defends Gassing: Better Us than Extremists

In a strongly worded statement, Children’s Minister Nathan Mind has defended his decision to squirt four infants at Tuesday’s Wellbridge Flower Show with nerve toxins.

The attack, which parents say came “out of the blue”, occurred just outside of Sadako Campbell’s celebrated Zen water garden, within sight of the lily pond. According to eyewitnesses, the three girls and a boy were ostensibly minding their own business when they were gassed by the burly father of four.

But the minister was adamant today that his assault was necessary and would commit it again, given half a chance. “Were it not for our party’s tough decision to go ahead with such undertakings,” he told the Commons Select Committee on Unconscionable Affairs, “we run a serious risk that extremists might do exactly the same. It would be a sad day for this country if our attack had been perpetrated by radicals - it may even have constituted a hate crime! I also believe very strongly that indiscriminate violence is an issue that mainstream politicians need to address before it is too late. Otherwise we leave the floor open to bigots of the worst kind.”

The children, who were rushed to Great Bedlam Hospital with stigmata and breathing difficulties, are believed to be in a stable condition tonight. Doctors have said they expect the youngsters to make a full recovery, although there is a slight risk that some may develop a wisdom beyond their tender years.

No Denial over Secret Measures

Government sources this morning are refusing to deny the existence of a flotilla of secret anti-terror bills, rumoured to have come into force at midnight. According to a leaked Downing Street memo headed “note to self”, the mystery measures - a first in English Law - are to be supplied on demand to legal practices and licensed anti-terror officers, but will not be made available to the public due to security concerns.

“Flaws in laws,” admitted one source, “so called ‘law-flaws’, have been exploited time and again by clever terrorists determined to pervert or, in extreme cases, invert the courses of justice.”

The clandestine legislation is believed to be encrypted using a mixture of Medieval Latin, Old Norman French and an enigmatic form of English developed specially for the purpose. It is expected to comprise the vanguard to a vast and ever-expanding array of new, and largely unknown, decrees which lawyers hope will make for a more efficient legal system.

Although there has been no official announcement on what the alleged rules, if they exist, are supposed to accomplish, experts point to fears of a law crash during the 2012 London Olympics, and the government’s desire to stop English citizens from switching to Roman, Scottish or (if worst comes to worst) Firefox Law.

Parish Now Ligerian, Villagers Told

When Daisy Innings and Candice Reckonmaster unearthed a docu-trove of old deeds in Neckworth parish archives, the two local history buffs just knew they had stumbled on something unique, but not even people, least of all themselves, could have guessed the far-reaching consequences those scruffy scrolls would have.

“Most contained church accounts from over the centuries,” relates Daisy, “pretty mundane stuff: tithes, exorcisms, fees for christenings and compensation for botched christenings (i.e. ones that didn’t take). When we came to the third scroll though, we just knew we had something hot.”

The third scroll bore a map of parish boundaries as they stood in 1690. At first glance, little seemed to have changed over the years, in keeping with Neckworth’s reputation as a place were time can almost be said to have stood still. But closer inspection shed a shocking truth, as Candice explained: “Something wasn’t quite right. The edge that cuts across the bottom of Anderson’s Field was a good five yards south of its present location.”

The duo were mystified. As far as anyone in Neckworth could tell them, the boundary had stood that way for years, taking the oak tree, Tanner’s Oak, as its corner point. But excavations soon showed that the parish limit was, in fact, a much older tree: Banner’s Oak, little more than a hollow stump these days, overgrown with nettles, cramp-ball fungus and Devil’s boletus, its ancient bark twisted into patterns bearing a chance resemblance to the faces of the unquiet dead, down in the far corner of the meadow.

Worse was to follow, however, when it emerged that this small reappraisal of their frontiers meant that a controlling share of the village now lay not in England, but Ligeria. The villagers, staunchly proud of their country, were alerted at once.

“We’ve always been intensely proud of our country,” reiterated Norman Pucker, retired, who is well-known in the village for his strong views on immigration, “and keen to keep it just the way it is. It’s desperately important that we defend our borders against interlopers, especially now that we are Ligerian and surrounded on all sides by a foreign country!”

“Now more than ever,” booms village post-mistress Jenny Cleavers in alarmed agreement, “our way of life is under threat. Stubborn parochialism is a quintessential Ligerian trait,” she averred, a well-thumbed Lonely Planet Guide to Ligeria clutched to her bosom. “I’ve nothing against the English personally - so long as they stay there! I myself used to be one, and I know many English from Long Goffe, Hamham-cum-Whitstanmanhamham and other nearby villages. But our infrastructure just can’t cope with the influx of Britons. And we need a hell of a lot of privacy out on the Common to practice our traditional Ligerian dances.”

The dances are Ligeria’s way of saying “thank you” to Sobomassonique for the rains.

“It’s also where we celebrate the penile subincision of village youths with a mixture of palm wine enemas, ground ancestor-bone broth and strong emetics. That marks their transition to manhood among our people.”

Pup landlord Brian Pretenderghast is in no doubt about the detrimental effects of foreigners either: “We have just three pubs to serve a community of 50 souls!” (About 100 residents.) “Where are we going to fit these incomers? They don’t want to be assimilated; I mean, how many of them can even be bothered to speak Ligerian?” he said, haltingly, employing an aorist in place of the Ligerian 2nd conjunctive, but otherwise demonstrating remarkable progress in the language. “I have no quarrel with the English per se, but I have heard of a number of cases where locals were actually bummed out by English walkers while insufflating our native ergot snuffs, leading to gastric palpitations and visions of Doomsday. And what they’ll do to house-prices, I dread to think.”

But the historians are unrepentant for looking: “We don’t repent it, no,” admitted Daisy, speaking up over the ubiquitous din of Ligerian nose-horns, “although it’s been no end of bother. I suppose we’re just not very regretful folk, at heart.”

Police to Acquire Special Powers

As part of the government’s controversial new anti-terror legislation, police in twelve counties are to acquire special powers this week. The powers, which will include clairvoyance and the ability to regenerate bitten-off limbs, are the latest attempt to get to grips with a terrorist onslaught that has claimed almost as many lives as measures designed to stop it.

But civil rights groups worry that the powers could be used against perfectly peaceful persons, fears seemingly confirmed last Friday when London’s The Newspaper printed excerpts from a leaked report detailing plans by the Metropolitan police to use fire-breathing on litter louts, and their newly acquired powers of insight to come to terms with the capital’s many-faceted drug culture.

Ripper Cleared of Exaggerating Role in Disputed Murders

(Jubilant: fans celebrate Ripper’s release.)

There was more than a whiff of jubilation in the air today at Sough’s romantic Magistrates’ Cove as supporters of disgraced serial murderer the Walsingdene Ripper welcomed loose their hero.

The killer, who walked free this morning, had been arrested earlier following allegations made by the Haxey Slasher. According to his long-standing rival from the next village, Walsingdene’s Most Wanted had claimed responsibility for mayhem he never committed, including the bungled assault on quick-witted schoolgirl Sammy Beaumains last Christmas, and the murder of a wasp, attacks which the Haxey Slasher insisted were rightfully on his conscience.

While notoriety has continued to elude Haxey’s hazard, the Beaumains assault - popularised by the work of Danish filmmaker Jens ‘Søren’ Sørensensen - is widely regarded as a turning point in the Ripper’s career, earning the latter a new audience among European intellectuals.

However, having reluctantly perused a psychological profile of the Ripper compiled by court urchins, Judge Justice Harriet Node advised jurors, “against my better judgment,” that they sat in deliberation not on his responsibility for the crimes, but only on the lesser charge of exaggeration. The four men and six women and two dogs took just twelve minutes to return a verdict of “not really guilty” before the slayer walked free with a hearty handshake and a caution.

When asked to explain herself, foreman Mary Vaporum said, “Ah.”

The Haxey Slasher did not attend.

Gathered on the cliffs at Sough, lifelong fans Brenda and Derek Gassiforma expressed their satisfaction with a series of hullabaloos, as locals released 300 magpies in a gesture of ambivalence.

Ripper: Spate to Go On, “OR TERORYSTS WIL OF WONE”

Serial murderer the Walsingdene Ripper took time out this week, from taunting detectives, to pledge his allegiance to the British way of life. Writing in his regular column in the Walsingdene Mercury, normally used to bait police with clues and enigmatic doggerel, the Ripper described terrorism as “AN ASALT ON ORL OUR WAY (sic.) OF LIFE. IT WHUD BEE ORL 2 EEZY, IN THESE DAYS OF HITENED SNCITIVITY, WEN THE HOLE NAYSHUN IS PULLING 2 GETHER, TO GIVE IN AN JUSS STOP KILLING. BUT THAT IS EGG ZACLY WOT THE TERORYSTS WANT! THAT, AN A UTOPEAN SUSSYITY BACED ON MORREL DEASENCY.”

The Walsingdene Ripper rose to prominence in the 1990s with a string of heinous slayings, since when he has been a fixture on the local scene, and something of a bogeyman to residents of Walsingdene and neighbouring parishes. Despite a tail off in attacks over recent years, he retains a hardcore of loyal fans. “It was his modus operandi that first attracted us,” gushed Brenda Gassiforma. “But it was his homespun views that held our interest,” added husband Derek. “He’s a character.”

Initially mysterious, it is now generally accepted that the Ripper’s real name is John Simon Andrews, or Justin Steven Aston, or, if not, almost certainly Jake Samuel Arkwright, although some scallywags have claimed his three-letter moniker is merely an acronym for “jugular”, “slit” and “Armageddon-time” (a frequent topic of the menace’s misogynistic rants, which are syndicated each Friday).

Love him or loath him though, residents admit that J’s thoughts on terror have struck a chord: “NOW MOR THAN EVER,” the brutal pest hectored via his characteristic cut & paste medium, “IT IS CROOSHIALL THAT WE CARRIE ON EGG ZACLY AS B4, BE IT IN FORRING POLICY, OR BLOODJOHNING PASSERS-BY.”

Terror Attack Would Infringe Fair-Goers’ “Human Rights”: Judges

There was widespread outrage in terror circles today, and upwards of 38 leader-writers were rushed to hospital with a bust blood vessel, when high court judges ruled that the Al-Qaeda will not be allowed to decimate crowds at this summer’s Limbstock Fair, because a terror attack would breach the “human rights” of fair-goers!

“We are not saying that all law is bad,” outlined terror chief, Sir Osama bin Laden, speaking with quiet dignity from his underground lair in the mountains of Waziristan. “Clearly religious laws must be enforced, and perhaps some others to do with maintaining public order. But this decision is just absurd. It goes against all common sense. Something had got to be amiss when European human rights legislation can ride roughshod over a fundamental British right like this. Badly amiss.”

“What’s more,” concurred terror deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri, “tax-payers will bear the brunt of trying to stop us.”

However, it soon emerged that the ruling, which was made by three judges while sitting on a bench, was based primarily on Limbstock’s location.

“The town lies in an area of outstanding natural beauty,” clarified Judges Justices Veronica Maliphant and Donald Fledgling. “Shrapnel would simply not be in keeping. Besides, any explosion would almost certainly mar the stucco façade of Maughinghay House, an extremely pretty regency mansion, and a Grade 2 listed building.”

“Sir Osama’s grief is understandable,” interjected Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus. “So many of his comrades have been killed or tortured by our security forces, together with countless innocents. But a rain of human debris would have a devastating effect on the Duke’s Montbretias, especially at this time of year (High Summer), which is when they sporulate. It might even become necessary to bring the planting season forward slightly to compensate, although next year’s blooms would relish the potassium. But His Grace has been quite emphatic that interference with the planting cycle, however well meaning, is out of the question. Human rights were never a factor in our deliberations.”

Bobbies on the Beat

(Left: bobbies congregate at twilight to pound their beat; in this case, a leafy lane.)

As part of the government’s controversial new anti-terror legislation, police in three counties are to be replaced this week by bobbies.

Although bobbies have proved successful in laboratory trials, this will be their first time on the beat. Proponents of the surreal bobbing entities claim they are far more effective than a conventional police presence, which often amounts to little more than ordinary folk with special training and wide-ranging powers.

It is hoped that the bobbies, also known as the “Bogards in Blue” and the “Shit”, will rid town streets of terror, and country lanes of the perception of terror, while exerting a subtle influence on knife crime.

If trials prove successful, the scheme could be extended to the rest of Britain by as soon as Harvest Moon. In fact, we could see as many as 200 bobbies gently bobbing up and down our roads and byroads this winter as they make their characteristic bobby hum.

Bob-fans, who number tens and units in Britain, have greeted the move as “like music to us”. But opponents of the notion have threatened to boycott the plan - or even, in Scottish counties, to scotch it - and one man has described the bobbies as “lissom”.

21 Feared Dead in Botched Memorial

21 people were torn apart in Beamish today at an open air service dedicated to the victims of 21 gun salutes. The victims were torn apart limb from limb by howitzers, which are a mark of respect.

The 21 came from all walks of life: terrorists, pundits, princes and princesses, etc., making this truly a national tragedy, in the words of Archbishop Alasdair Hube, and “one which has united us all - in grief.”

By a coincidence which has been hailed as curious, all 21 were 21 years old, and all born on the 21st day of the 21st month (i.e. November of the year after).

Critics have pointed to the high loss of life as, arguably, one negative feature of the event. But Armed Forces Minister Raymond Quaff read from a prepared statement which he found on his mantelpiece yesterday morning, saying, “It is key that fallout be minimised, and seen to be minimised.”

In an ironic twist, which will come as a mild surprise to some junior pundits, a leak from the Cabinet Office has revealed that the original salutes were themselves held prematurely to commemorate future victims of such salutes. “Clearly mistakes have been made,” added Quaff, “but also, an important lesson learned.”

A further service is to be held three weeks today to mark their passing.

Thousands Arrested in Magnetic Blunder

Thousands of residents were arrested in Brighton yesterday after having their biometric IDs corrupted by a surge of superheated plasma from the sun.

The solar outburst, which is composed of charged particles ejected from the sun’s surface at close to the speed of light, is now known to have changed the status of the residents from residents to resident aliens, and in some cases to illegal aliens, or even terror suspects, causing them to have to be detained indefinitely until their asylum applications were processed, applications which few, if any, of the thousands had ever made.

Opposition leader Stuart Fugue has said the arrests “beggar all of my beliefs”, with many of the residents being arrested twice, or more, during the same raid, due to the continuing havoc, and “some were homeowners.”

But each of the twelve rival Environment Ministers currently besieged in their respective cathedral cities have dismissed calls for their own resignation, in statements posted to their MySpaces, insisting that the arrests were environmentally sound and, in many cases, unavoidable. Defence Secretary Djoolz added that, although technically illegal, the arrests have been made now, so there is nothing that can be done about them. The Brighton suspects are to be deported to Baluchistan to have their eyes poked out.

However, blogging from an unknown location in his newly formed Subterranean Caliphate, terror leader Sir Osama bin Laden described the arrests as, “bullshit because the sun does not exist.”

Monster Appeal

(Do Not Approach: psychic CCTV image of the Monster wading through the fabric of reality in the early hours of Sunday morning.)

Police are appealing for the Monster that escaped from London’s Paddington Police Station last night to give itself up with no questions asked. The Monster, which is composed of dead body parts and the forces of nature, is as fierce as a hornet, and as cunning as a naughty human girl or boy. The Monster is described as five foot ten, Asian / Caucasian / Black / Other, with piercing pink eyes and a heart made from nuclear waste. According to Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Cygnus Busby-Babes, the Monster is extremely angry and should, “under no circumstances be approached or toyed with. It has a radioactive bite and can follow into dreams. Members of the public are advised, if they see it, to cower.”

However, the Commissioner rejected absolutely claims that a clique of twelve drunken sergeants had inadvertently “unleashed” the Monster while trying to incentivise terror suspects to confess with it: “The Monster is there for administrative purposes only, and has never played an active role in front line policing.”

It is not known whether the Monster’s heart is capable of feeling the human emotion of love, but Sir Cygnus has called the possibility, “like most things about this Monster, highly improbable.”

TV Linked to Fallacy

A new study has found that children who watch 20 hours of TV news a week are 400% more likely to succumb to the cum hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy in their daily lives, and many go on to careers in media. The fallacy, whose Latin name means “with this therefore because of this”, consists of a failure to appreciate that correlation does not imply causation.

Says Mandy Ribena of the See No Evil foundation: “This confirms what we’ve been saying for years. It stands to reason that a constant diet of fallacious reasoning erodes children’s sense of logic.”

But a spokesraven for the BBC told reporters that it was even more than likely that the Internet was to blame, “arrk, or something like that.”

Fury over Terror Compliment

There was consternation in terror circles today when it emerged that the Prince of Wales may have accidentally paid terror leader Sir Osama bin Laden a compliment during an after-dinner speech last year. The compliment, which is believed to have been a backhanded one, was delivered to members of the Lords Cricket Club by the expensive prince last December at an annual dinner.

According to members, the 600 year old heir expressed the sentiment towards the end of an otherwise incomprehensible talk made up of fevered non sequiturs, and some of them weren’t even sure if it was a compliment as such. The alleged terror aficionado was unavailable for comment today, and calls to his private zeppelin were answered with a recorded message of the Roaring Forties, a maritime wind, which some pundits have called, “political correctness gone meteorological.”

But Sam Stemple, head of the prince’s baboon retinue, dismissed the incident as trivial, “compared to what the Prince would like to have said.”

“I can in no way condone my actions, which are an affront to human kind,” harangued Sir Osama, in a video retort posted on YouTube, “but any more laudatory gestures, and I shan’t be responsible for what I do.”

A Heaven in Hell’s Despite

(Left: an artist's impression of what Hell and/or Heaven might look like.)

In a desperate move to prevent Hell from bursting at its seams, Heaven and Hell are to be combined as a new composite afterlife called “Helefant.”

The overcrowded domain of eternal punishment and the sparsely peopled realm of everlasting bliss have been growing closer for many years now, Vatican sources revealed, reflecting the real-world merger of right and wrong. According to New York’s megabishop, Megabishop Time, the present changes will do little more than rubber stamp this de facto evolution.

The need for reform first came to light in the 1970s with a series of high profile hellbursts which have resulted in sporadic zombie plagues that continue to this day. Would-be saints and other citizens of Christendom are advised to carry on doing good and not to fear damnation, since God will make them like the rougher aspects of Helephant, while her joys will only irk wrongdoers.

Also affected by the reforms is the liminal zone of Limbo which will be abolished as superfluous. Souls currently residing in Limbo (thought to number some 3 x 10 ^ 50, mainly those of zygotes) will be obliterated, unfortunately, for technical reasons. But all future innocents will go straight to Helephant.

Meanwhile, Purgatory, Earth and the Nine Buddhist Hells will also combine later this year, under the title “Jenny Hundredlegs.” It is not known why.

Hellburst

The War of Terror received yet another body blow today when it emerged that missiles fired by UN warplanes in Afghanistan’s lawless Helmand province veered off target and hit one of the outer layers of Hell, freeing scores of suspected Taliban and Al-Qaeda insurgents already killed in this year’s spring offensive, along with countless incubuses and succubuses.

It is understood that the Ministry of Defence will compensate the Netherworld for its loss using some old “doesn’t matter” souls of unburied Tommies left over from World War I. However, Defence Minister Hob Lob described the award as a “goodwill gesture” which in no way constitutes an admission of guilt. The minor demons, who are believed to cause sleep paralysis and dreams of an adult nature, will add to the problems of a military already stretched by gravitational lensing.

Heavenburst

The War of Terror met with a further setback today when it emerged that UN warplanes accidentally fired on an unprotected outer portion of Paradise, while trying to target insurgents in Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand province, shattering all seven of the glass spheres of which the cosmos is composed, and pitching literally dozens of literally angry angels into the warzone along with an estimated baker’s dozens of suspected Al-Qaeda operatives and bystanders already killed in this year’s spring offensive. The operatives, who earned their place in Heaven by hard martyrdoms, are reportedly livid.

Mystery Bombing

Police are appealing for witnesses to yesterday’s mystery bombing in London.

According to sources in Britain’s elite Royal Beefeater Guards, the blast obliterated a key landmark in central London, although the building’s identity has yet to be disclosed.

Said police spokestzar Lalande ‘Concertina’ Humphreys, “The gap left by the explosion is quite big and centrally located. We are keen to speak with anyone who has been to London recently, especially central London in the vicinity of the gap, and thinks they might be able to remember what it used to be.”

Threat Back to Armageddon

Police have admitted that a party held to celebrate the lowering of the terrorist threat from Armageddon Level to Critical could have re-increased the threat back up to Armageddon.

Although the celebration was supposed to have been strictly limited to police and security personnel, it is now believed that many alienated youths attended incognito, and may have become radicalised, either at the buffet or by conversations held between cabaret turns, leading to a spate of acts. One man reportedly kidnapped himself within hours of leaving the party, and a duo became overtly pious within days. “We are treating both incidents as suspicious,” said Marchionesse Bywater, spiritual chief of the Metropolitan police, “even though they are not.”

Investigators are still hunting for the trio of men who beheaded Blunderbore, a trollen mage thought to be the online avatar of one or more cabinet ministers.

Future Atrocity Memorial to Go Ahead

This Friday’s right-royal Booze-Up, Usury & Looking-at-Women’s-Faces Event in the Renfrewshire village of North Feeling is to go ahead after all, in spite of what police say is a credible threat of terrorist attack.

The event, which has been organised by Princes William and Harry to commemorate in advance the coming inevitable terrorist atrocity there, is the first of its kind in a Britain already bored of terrorists.

“It’s not a question of if an attack is going to take place in any given British village, but when,” organiser Prince William explained. “So there’s nothing untoward about holding the event now while more people can enjoy it. Were we to abandon our boozy usury plans, then the terrorists would have won.”

“Hopefully we can raise the fear factor,” added organiser Prince Harry.

The event is expected to raise over half of two billion pounds, to be held in safekeeping by the princes in lieu of future victims. Part of the fund will be set aside for detecting and prosecuting bogus victims.

Anger over Terror Knighthood

Terror leader Sir Osama bin Laden has threatened to attack the whole wide world, including Britain, in response to his own knighthood.

Bin Laden, figurehead of the notorious Al-Qaeda group, is reportedly dismayed at the award, which was announced in the Queen’s birthday honours last month, and has led to widespread furore in terror circles.

However Sir Osama - who has been attacking the whole wide world including Britain regularly for years - rejected calls for him to hand back the knighthood, as he is simply too incensed to. In a statement issued by his deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri, the Saudi national called for a fresh jihad against random people with no clear link to the dispute. Police are said to be forlorn.

Alert Level Converter

Three of the lands at the forefront of the War on Terror each have their own colour-coded system to warn citizens (in Britain: subjects) about the likelihood of impending terror attacks. These are very useful weapons in the War, as you can avoid feeling needlessly terrified during a terror lull, yet take advantage of heightened states of alert so as to feel more alive. Naturally, cultures vary in how they express alarm, which can be confusing for holidaymakers and legitimate business travellers, to say nothing of terrorists themselves who may want to time their terribleness more quixotically. But this handy conversion chart will help.

US (Homeland Security Advisory System: “terror alert level”)

• Red: Severe. (Severe risk of terrorist attack.)
• Orange: High. (High risk of terrorist attack.)
• Yellow: Elevated. (Significant risk of terrorist attack.)
• Blue: Guarded. (General risk of terrorist attack.)
• Green: Low. (Low risk of terrorist attack.)

Britain (BIKINI, Ministery of Defence alert state)

• Red: Still, it could be worse, eh? (State of war, nuclear attack immanent.)
• Amber: Spot of bother... (High alert; substantial threat to government targets; transition to war; mass civilian casualties inevitable.)
• Black Special: Can’t complain. (Increased likelihood of attack; potential chemical or biological threat with large loss of life a distinct possibility.)
• Black: Tsk, bloody typical! (Good chance of attack, but no definite target; possible civil unrest, but basically fine.)
• White: No so bad. (Situation stable; zero threat; thriving economy; state of society: ‘virtually heaven on earth’.)

France (Vigipirate national security alert system)

• Scarlet: Le rire est probablement destiné à disparaître. (Laughter is probably destined to disappear.)
• Crimson: Les application des serins à l’étude n’a pas de mesure, mais on ne peut pas être ivre toute sa vie. (The application of canaries to study knows no bounds, but one cannot be drunk one’s whole life.)
• Mauve: Les pierres sont remplies d’entrailles. Bravo. Bravo. (The stones are full of entrails. Bravo. Bravo.)
• Beige: Les crocodiles d’à présent ne sont plus des crocodiles. Où sont les bons vieux aventuriers qui vous accrochaient dans les narines de minuscules bicyclettes et de jolie pendeloques de glace? Il n’y a plus de vrais oiseau. Il n’y a plus de vrais hydrocyclettes. Autrefois les bons vieux poissons portaient aux nageoires des beaux souliers rouge. Ma parole, les crocodiles d’à présent ne sont plus des crocodiles. (The crocodiles of today are no longer crocodiles. Where are the good old adventurers who hooked tiny bicycles and beautiful pendants made of glass to your nostrils? There are no longer any real birds. There are no longer any real hydrobikes. Once the good old fishes wore on their fins beautiful red shoes. My word, the crocodiles of today are no longer crocodiles.)
• Rose: Ceux d’entre eux qui sont gais tournent parfois leur derrière vers le ciel et jettent leurs excréments à la figure des autres hommes; puis ils se frappent légèrement le ventre. (Those among them who are merry sometimes turn their behinds toward the sky and cast their excrements in the face of other men; then they strike their own bellies lightly.)

Terror Victory

In an alarming development, which will come as no surprise to pundits, terrorists have gained a surprise victory in last Thurdsay’s local elections. The Al-Qaeda won three seats, putting them just ahead of Labour, and giving Osama bin Laden’s party overall control of Uffingdon Rural District Council in Wiltshire.

Although there are currently no Muslims on the electoral register there, let alone adherents to the extremist interpretation of Islam espoused by the Saudi billionaire, residents of Uffingdon and the neighbouring hamlet of Woolley’s Farm are said to be broadly in favour of terror leader bin Laden’s project to kill and maim them, which is perceived in the district as “more modern.”

Terrorist councillor Graham Hill said, “We intend to cause mayhem. A full policy announcement will have to await our budget review in April, but I can safely say that there will be a series of nail bombs in the village bus shelter, a massive truck full of explosives rammed into somebody’s house at random, and at least one self immolation. Naturally, we shall be looking to replace the streetlight on Rectory Lane and improving the state of pavements in the west of the village which is abysmal.”

Terrorist spokesperson Dean Asher added, “A zebra crossing outside the school is also a priority; that corner is an accident waiting to happen.”

Topiary of Terror

Police are interviewing a third man in connection with the Headwick Hall shrubbery thought to depict an act of terror. Two men have already been charged with conspiracy to glorify terrible acts after bushes were found in the grounds of Headwick Hall, Lanarkshire, trimmed into the shapes of almost 900 giant suicide bombers. But Lawyers for the defence, led by lawyer Tom Sawyer QC, have argued that the 900, although clearly modelled on known terror suspects, were depicted bathing, watching TV, and engaged in ‘small acts of mercy’, which do not come under the remit of the government’s new anti-terror legislation.

The Prime Minister is reportedly furious, although it is not known what over. Through a statement issued forth by his press office, he assured British males between the ages of 17 and 35 that he is 101% beside himself.

In an ironic twist that will come as no surprise to pundits, the five-year-old child reputedly incinerated by accident in last week’s controlled detonation of the sculptured atrocities was found to be in possession of violent images of a nature which was sexual to the pathologist who opened his head.