Alert Level Converter

Three of the lands at the forefront of the War on Terror each have their own colour-coded system to warn citizens (in Britain: subjects) about the likelihood of impending terror attacks. These are very useful weapons in the War, as you can avoid feeling needlessly terrified during a terror lull, yet take advantage of heightened states of alert so as to feel more alive. Naturally, cultures vary in how they express alarm, which can be confusing for holidaymakers and legitimate business travellers, to say nothing of terrorists themselves who may want to time their terribleness more quixotically. But this handy conversion chart will help.

US (Homeland Security Advisory System: “terror alert level”)

• Red: Severe. (Severe risk of terrorist attack.)
• Orange: High. (High risk of terrorist attack.)
• Yellow: Elevated. (Significant risk of terrorist attack.)
• Blue: Guarded. (General risk of terrorist attack.)
• Green: Low. (Low risk of terrorist attack.)

Britain (BIKINI, Ministery of Defence alert state)

• Red: Still, it could be worse, eh? (State of war, nuclear attack immanent.)
• Amber: Spot of bother... (High alert; substantial threat to government targets; transition to war; mass civilian casualties inevitable.)
• Black Special: Can’t complain. (Increased likelihood of attack; potential chemical or biological threat with large loss of life a distinct possibility.)
• Black: Tsk, bloody typical! (Good chance of attack, but no definite target; possible civil unrest, but basically fine.)
• White: No so bad. (Situation stable; zero threat; thriving economy; state of society: ‘virtually heaven on earth’.)

France (Vigipirate national security alert system)

• Scarlet: Le rire est probablement destiné à disparaître. (Laughter is probably destined to disappear.)
• Crimson: Les application des serins à l’étude n’a pas de mesure, mais on ne peut pas être ivre toute sa vie. (The application of canaries to study knows no bounds, but one cannot be drunk one’s whole life.)
• Mauve: Les pierres sont remplies d’entrailles. Bravo. Bravo. (The stones are full of entrails. Bravo. Bravo.)
• Beige: Les crocodiles d’à présent ne sont plus des crocodiles. Où sont les bons vieux aventuriers qui vous accrochaient dans les narines de minuscules bicyclettes et de jolie pendeloques de glace? Il n’y a plus de vrais oiseau. Il n’y a plus de vrais hydrocyclettes. Autrefois les bons vieux poissons portaient aux nageoires des beaux souliers rouge. Ma parole, les crocodiles d’à présent ne sont plus des crocodiles. (The crocodiles of today are no longer crocodiles. Where are the good old adventurers who hooked tiny bicycles and beautiful pendants made of glass to your nostrils? There are no longer any real birds. There are no longer any real hydrobikes. Once the good old fishes wore on their fins beautiful red shoes. My word, the crocodiles of today are no longer crocodiles.)
• Rose: Ceux d’entre eux qui sont gais tournent parfois leur derrière vers le ciel et jettent leurs excréments à la figure des autres hommes; puis ils se frappent légèrement le ventre. (Those among them who are merry sometimes turn their behinds toward the sky and cast their excrements in the face of other men; then they strike their own bellies lightly.)