Terror Attack Would Infringe Fair-Goers’ “Human Rights”: Judges

There was widespread outrage in terror circles today, and upwards of 38 leader-writers were rushed to hospital with a bust blood vessel, when high court judges ruled that the Al-Qaeda will not be allowed to decimate crowds at this summer’s Limbstock Fair, because a terror attack would breach the “human rights” of fair-goers!

“We are not saying that all law is bad,” outlined terror chief, Sir Osama bin Laden, speaking with quiet dignity from his underground lair in the mountains of Waziristan. “Clearly religious laws must be enforced, and perhaps some others to do with maintaining public order. But this decision is just absurd. It goes against all common sense. Something had got to be amiss when European human rights legislation can ride roughshod over a fundamental British right like this. Badly amiss.”

“What’s more,” concurred terror deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri, “tax-payers will bear the brunt of trying to stop us.”

However, it soon emerged that the ruling, which was made by three judges while sitting on a bench, was based primarily on Limbstock’s location.

“The town lies in an area of outstanding natural beauty,” clarified Judges Justices Veronica Maliphant and Donald Fledgling. “Shrapnel would simply not be in keeping. Besides, any explosion would almost certainly mar the stucco façade of Maughinghay House, an extremely pretty regency mansion, and a Grade 2 listed building.”

“Sir Osama’s grief is understandable,” interjected Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus. “So many of his comrades have been killed or tortured by our security forces, together with countless innocents. But a rain of human debris would have a devastating effect on the Duke’s Montbretias, especially at this time of year (High Summer), which is when they sporulate. It might even become necessary to bring the planting season forward slightly to compensate, although next year’s blooms would relish the potassium. But His Grace has been quite emphatic that interference with the planting cycle, however well meaning, is out of the question. Human rights were never a factor in our deliberations.”