Denier in Hospital after Denying Own Chin

(Shame: a rare image of David Irving’s soul, captured on psychic film by MI5 photographers. The pint-sized psyche is reputedly not on speaking terms with Irving’s body and mouth.)

Holocaust denier David Irving is in hospital tonight after accidentally denying his own chin.

The controversial historian rose to fame for denying Nazi atrocities. But when fans grew bored of these claims, Irving’s love of scandal forced him into making ever more daring refutations.

Following a series of botched denials, in which the would-be free-speech martyr attempted to deny sausages, velvet, and himself the use of rational thought, he became increasingly desperate.

“We can view the chin move as cry for attention,” said psychologist Spiro Wilkes.

Waiting for a lower jaw transplant, the Nazi sympathiser said, “Wwraarrrll waarrrarrrarrl rrawl.”

Hate Speech Now Too Hateful to Think About Rationally: Mobs

(No laughing matter: warp entities mock the racists in Saint Pancras Wormhole on their way to their alternative reality rally.)

Holocaust deniers David Irving and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad caused scandal today by attending a rally held by holocaust affirmers in an alternative universe where the shoah, mercifully, never happened.

“We must support our fellow counterfactualists,” declared President Ahmadinejad, “in their struggle against what is true in that world.”

“I’m no racist,” said Irving, “but some races are so loathsome that I fail to see any contradiction in not tolerating them, or - in that other universe - so badly victimised that we must do everything we can to defend them from bigots like us.”

But the contentious twosome came under fierce criticism from MPs, pundits and well-meaning mobs.

“Why protect minorities of opinion?” wondered Grenadier Lazuli, MP for Ploddingham North. “If there’s one thing that history has shown us, it’s that the majority are always right.”

“No one believes in the right to freedom of speech more than me,” began pundit Gemma 2000, “but not if people exercise it. Some ideas are just too loathsome to refute with logic and evidence. I’d rather see their exponents hailed as heroes than do that.”

Muhammad Action Figure Demanded / Denounced

Muslim leaders from two universes have called for a “Day of Impotent Rage” following the decision of Games Toyshop to - and not to - release an action figure of their prophet Muhammad.

“By omitting His Messenger, peace be upon him, the crusader toymakers insult God Himself,” protested radical cleric Yusuf al-Giraffi.

“By their blasphemous inclusion of God’s Messenger in their range,” his counterpart from the other universe agreed, “the infidels make a mockery of our unquestioning Faith.”

The two leaders joined forces to menace passers-by with placards and ‘dark looks’ outside London’s Saint Pancras Wormhole, threatening to boycott their own rational faculties if their demands were not met. But the angry alter-egos deny conspiring to shake hands outside the Israeli embassy, in hopes of triggering a waveform collapse with the strength of a trillion Hiroshimas: “Not in this reality, we didn’t.”

In our universe, Games Toyshop defended the decision, calling Muhammad a thinker “of purely local significance whose role in the development of wisdom is limited, for the most part, to doctrinal territory-marking among the Judaism-based sects of Late Antiquity. While he certainly had an impact on fashion and symbolic hygiene taboos specific to some cultures of Earth’s Middle East, his contribution to human understanding generally is negligible. No insult intended. Our Pocket Sages range is simply aimed at a broader market.”

In the other universe, Games Toyshop defended the decision, calling Muhammad “arguably the single sageliest guy in this or any other world. No insult intended to other wisemen. He comes complete with moon-splitter laser accessory, fiery halo and electric TurboCamelTM battle-mount. Batteries not included.”

Sales of Pocket Sages - which include galactic rebel The Primarch Horus, would-be ender of all suffering Siddharta Gautama, and popular televangelist Pat Robertson - have exploded as the controversy grows.

Queen Resigns over “Lost” Honours Disk

(Artist’s impression of the culprit: actual size.)

In an unprecedented move, Queen Elizabeth II resigned today after a floppy disk containing 25 million honours was “lost” in post.

The disk, which contained 25 million knighthoods, baroncies and OBEs intended for next New Year’s Honours List, was reportedly lost in internal post travelling between wings of Buckingham Palace, and “could be anywhere now” according to palace sources.

“Ain’t no evidence that it’s fallen into criminal hands though,” Sir ‘Mad Dog’ O’Hare told journalists. “No evidence at all.”

“Shit, it probably just fell down the back of a Caravaggio,” said His Grace, Baronette Sir Ray ‘Crusher’ Cocker, OBE, MBE, esq., “or summink.”

The royal resignation is to take place next summer in Westminster Cathedral and will be attended by leaders from over a hundred countries. It is expected to cost the British tax payer (Dave Jabot) a billion pounds, including up to one pound sterling. As this is a ‘state’ resignation, the queen will not be relinquishing her title or salary.

“How so that be,” she announced in an emergency amendment to the Queen’s Speech, delivered to parliament during the early hours of this morning, “in view of the trauma, my government and I have decided to reimburse my person with two extra birthdays and a big diamond. This is also an act of job-creation, as it will take many urchins to grind it, and many dentists to fit them with new teeth afterwards.”

Britain Facing Stupidity Timebomb

By 2020, over 2/3 of Britons will be too stupid to breathe. That’s the stark truth coming out of a new research today.

According to ‘data’, 80% of British men and 75% of British women will be total duffers by the third decade of the millennium, without the faintest idea of how to inhale or exhale.

“With no oxygen to power it,” scientists say, “the British heart will cease to pump. Britons will quickly lose consciousness and die.”

But others have slammed these guesstimates as deliriously optimistic. A team from Warwick University, composed of scientists and science-pundits, has produced a terrifying Venn diagram showing that a persistent diet of news-science will exacerbate the dim-wittedness, leaving Britons incapable of statistical reasoning.

“If current trends continue,” the pundits warned, “Britons will become oblivious to the flaws inherent in the projection of current trends indefinitely into the future without taking into account how variables affecting those trends may change. When that happens, as it inevitably must, Britons will be at our mercy.”

Britons refused to comment.

Christmas Warbot for Sullen Prince

Prince Harry is to receive a warbot for Christmas. The titanium-shielded assault-walker is thought to have cost the British taxpayer almost as much as farmers, but is more stylish than them, and more deadly. The state-of-the-art, 500-metre-tall, radioactive killing-machine is the latest in a series of measures designed to soothe the prince’s rage at being left behind when his boys (the working-class soldiers he was given to play with) had to go to Iraq to die.

The Ministry of Defence have invested 9.2 billion pounds over the last year developing the rampaging robot - whose armaments include neurocendiary rays, metropolis-obliterator missiles and smart-AIDS - plus a further 10 trillion on a designer drug, called UltraBlissTM (street name: scabs), to make the experience of piloting it more awesome. The drug is manufactured from paupers’ brain-pulp and the shattered dreams of migrants, according to M.O.D. sources.

“Harry’s a lovely lad, but he has a low boredom threshold (or, if the boredom is conceived of as coming in from the top, a high one),” said royal scientists Jhon D. Kool and Sentience Hiccough. “He’s balanced on a knife-edge at the moment. The slightest thing could set him off. The British public have been very understanding, giving generously to the Blue Peter ‘Whores for Harry’ appeal, which raised over 38 concubines for the fractious fourth-in-liner, including twin ‘wedding-gorillas’ and a necrodom, and he’s been drinking heavily. But there’s only so much pleasure that bad love and ethanol can bring. If we don’t find a better pastime for him soon, he could go ballistic!”

“And the money isn’t wasted either,” Hiccough added. “In years to come, the bot will be a mecha for tourists.”

Youths Cautioned over Shooting of Police Chief

(Signal victory: lawyers relax at the seaside after landmark ruling.)

The Crown Prosecution Service has announced that it will not be prosecuting six youths who gunned down Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair outside his home last summer, then fed defamatory lies about the 54 year old commissioner to the press in order to save their skins.

“Clearly, in one sense, mistakes were made,” said barrister Angus Reality, “but the youths were under the false impression that Sir Ian endorsed a shoot-to-kill policy vis-à-vis civilians. Their only concern was to protect the public.”

“Shooting Sir Ian fifteen times in the head and groin as he left for work that day was the only way to stop him,” said youth Sir Omar Alibi. “A shot to the leg or abdomen would have left his hands free to phone for a crack squad of marksmen to take someone out, maybe you or someone you love.”

Youth Sir Hamed Waverley-Davies, another of the have-a-go heroes, concurred: “A stun gun would have been no good either. Even unconscious, Sir Ian could still have been dreaming up new ways to repeal habeus corpus.”

“A crime was definitely committed, yes,” lawyer Marianne Ork conceded, “but let’s not play the blame game. These are trying times.”

A Game One

Peer of the realm, the right reverend Archbishop Alasdair Hube has issued an ultimatum to makers of boring videogames to get their ‘act’ together, or face legislation.

The move comes in response to the campaign of parents of lacklustre teenager, Martin “Jolly” Jollinson, who has become listless and more outgoing due to a spate of videogames. According to campaigners, he sits in his room and is bored almost to death by the spate, which invariably manifests in first-person shooter format, although it does give him something to talk about to other boys.

“Story and character development are sadly absent from these games,” a distraught Mrs Enigma Jollinson said, “although they are well-crafted in visual terms, and often make us laugh with their comical depictions of human violence. Some may contain Sexy Scenes.”

Archbishop Hube is not surprised. He has been studying the effects of boredom for over 50 years now, through the medium of his faith.

Dermis Away!

Bold Brackford man Mark Jessup said ‘pants’ to skin last Wednesday by having his chest and face flayed for charity.

Locals at the Fox-and-Fox’s-Head in Brackford took turns to tear strips of flesh from his torso as Mark, 23 (personalities), a blandness manager from Inimininimi Foods-Systems in Brackford, put on a brave face - that is, until it was ripped off with tongs.

Mark agreed to the stunt after his girlfriend Amy Slith, 6, said she was fed up with his bodily and facial skin.

He said: “It wasn’t so bad when the strips were being torn off, but about two seconds later it really hurt. I’m glad I had it done though. PET scans will be much cheaper now, and if I can help needy people it will all have been worth it.

The event raised one metres of skin.

Martyr’s Ghost Arrested for Fraudulent Transaction

LONDON: The ghost of a respected suicide bomber was taken into custody in London today following what is believed to have been an attempted fraudulent purchase at London toy shop.

“I just don’t know what it was thinking,” said London toy shop employee, Helen Skills. “One minute it was counting out 10ps, the next it flashed this credit card at me. But the pin number was all wrong. It had far too many digits. And the card wasn’t even plastic; it was cardboard and folded open like a book. And they weren’t even proper numbers, most of them, but letters which spelt out the words ‘Happy Birthday Helen’. It was a crime waiting to happen. I just had to report it.”

“The ghoul’s behaviour had us stumped,” line manager Derek Gloin confessed. “At first I thought it might be some form of flexibility or teamwork. But who can say what goes through their minds?” And forensic toymaker Bill Memory admitted to having no soundbite on the case.

The spectre, which is widely respected in extremist circles for its community work and cheeky grin, is reportedly serene tonight after a gruelling four hours’ questioning by police spiritualists, and was released in absentia on police bail. In a press statement, the former martyr’s lawyer declared, “Although my client is an avowedly evil spirit, it is opposed to the taking of human life, except in self-defence, which it defines broadly to include funny looks and apostasy. It is not, however, violent. Not in any sense that it accepts.”

Said London Police Chief, May Day-Heigh, “We are not, knowingly, pressing any charges at this current time, not as we define charges, although we reserve the right to do so, and may already have done so, conceivably, although it is hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes... Sometimes I almost feel...”

“We are considering all options,” interjected Assistant Chief Lombard quickly.

One Transformer was recovered from the scene. It was destroyed later by army specialists who melted its face to an unrecognisable mass with an army lighter, then went down to London pond, then threw it in the pond, then threw bangers at babies on London’s popular London Common, near the pond, but then got a right bollocking off some geezer on the common, which was a right laugh, then they all got bored cos there was nothing to do, yea? So they fucked off home for tea. Later, Home Secretary Michael Middlemass pushed through a bill that changed the definition of bangers to “bad guys” and that of babies to “Saint Elmo’s fire”, so that now this never happened. The soldiers’ mums agreed though that they were all “good boys at heart,” and their bosses that they were all “bad apples.”

Treat for Mums

Children at the Subaltern House School, Chinmeld, laid on a special Mother’s Day treat on Mother’s Day. Forty-five mums and grandmas turned up for a ‘lunch’, only to be lowered into vats of stomach acid!

As they were slowly being digested by the searing juices, pupils taunted them with mocking rhymes and enigmatic ballads which they had written themselves, some dealing with adult themes.

Although they didn’t prepare the toxic vats themselves, the children penned insulting messages on placards and horses’ skulls which they waved angrily, and the older children worked them over with hoses.

Nursery ubersupervisor Kerry Morgan said: “It was our gift to the mothers and grandmothers.”

Complex Woman Too Complex for Trial

A Sough woman accused of harbouring scapegoats cannot be tried. The reason? Because of her complexity, barristers report.

The trial of Bettae Pulsar Dillion-Guy was to have taken place this Thursday, at Sough village’s romantic Magistrates’ Cove. But following an investigation by court psychologist-urchins Martin Hairbrow and Scott Herald-Angels, it was revealed that Bettae was much too subtle for the law to deal with - at least as it stands at present.

Last month, Ms Pulsar Dillion-Guy, 27, of 12-76 Stanchion Avenue, Sough, admitted sheltering members of this decade’s scapegoat community. The case was adjourned, however, when she arrived at the legal beach looking pensive. She proceeded to shock the court by drawing distinctions too fine to for lawyers to grasp, including, but not confined to, one between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. Bettae was examined by the local urchins, who quickly pronounced her “deep,” with convoluted thoughts that showed a high degree of abstraction.

“When she opened her mouth,” said solicitor Roger ‘Bouncy’ Ball, “It was hard to understand what she was trying to say - it was that complicated. It would be folly for society to attempt to mould someone as peculiar as Mrs Pulsar - we would only mess her up.”

“It’s quite likely she’s considered these matters more thoroughly than we have, although she isn’t able to explain,” said solicitor Nancy ‘Prancy’ Steed. “What she has in mind probably won’t occur to the world at large for years.”

The case was adjourned indefinitely, and Ms Pulsar was declared a noble human being, in absentia.

We Forgot Recipe: Munitions Experts

Army munitions experts confessed today, after a week of glum speculation, that they simply “forgot” how to mix a key military recipe.

Joint Forces Command is appealing for anyone who remembers the recipe, which is for a secret ingredient, to come forward. The ingredient, nicknamed ‘Green Florence’ - or ‘Excoriating Flo’ for short - is a key element of fire bombs used to flush out enemies and instil anger into would-be enemies.

Although banned by the UN, it has been an important weapon in the War on Terror, albeit one whose existence was hitherto denied. The ingredient, which is designed to strip living flesh from the bone, has been used extensively in the War on Terror: in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Somalia, the Philippines, Switzerland, Peru - as part of the British army’s earthquake relief efforts there - and, briefly, in Cheshire for crowd control after Cheshire Constabulary were accidentally sent some in the post. No one was prosecuted over the mistake, and excitable toddler Josh did admit to getting a bit boisterous on the trampoline.

In an ironic twist, General Forces HQ still has blueprints for the noxious weapon; unfortunately, they are just too secret to read.

But the experts are confident that someone out there can help them: “We instructed many extremists in its use during the 1980s, and we know that young people often collect unexploded ordnance to play with, particularly those with a reckless streak. It’s almost certain that some of them would have worked out the recipe by now, either by trial - or, failing that - error. Naturally all contacts will be treated in the strictest confidence, such as we reserve for our own whistleblowers.”