The Danish Verses

Hundreds of mermaids were beheaded across the Middle East today, and a mastiff set alight, having been mistaken for a Great Dane, following claims that key Islamic scriptures were redrafted by drafts-spies from Jutland.

The artistic agents are accused of travelling back in time to corrupt the Hadith, a body of tradition in Islamic jurisprudence, which records the deeds and wise sayings of the Prophet Muhammad. The Hadith reveals which verses to obey when the Quran contradicts itself; it outlines how to live properly and how to punish disagreers. But now a team of imams at Tehran University have found ‘smoking gun’ evidence of sabotage, and a gut feeling for who done it.

“We were studying the writings to get a better understanding of how to love God more,” said Ayatollah Rasoul Hobseini, “but, to our horror, we found them peppered with bigotry, intolerance and a, frankly, medieval attitude towards women. It’s hard to think of a bigger insult to our faith.”

“The Danes will have blood on their hands: who’s to know what we will do in our rage?” said Grand Ayatollah Paellah-Patellah Mulhollani Testostari.

The tampering is believed to be retaliation for the Jyllands-Posten cartoon row in which mobs stoned butter and other products associated with the offensive peninsula, and things that rhymed with them. Rioters in Karachi expressed their wrath by spurning existential philosophy for a day, while, in Iran, innovative low-budget films about ennui were pulled from cinemas. Most shockingly of all, the Danish Prime Minister Morten Stod was dismantled in lego effigy, by pilgrims in Mecca, and symbolically put back in his box.

But extremist cleric Sheikh Yusuf al-Giraffi called the imams’ research “a fable and a detestable lie. Even if we have been manipulated here by unscrupulous (albeit gifted) agents, what can we do?” he said, almost in tears from the embarrassment. “These outrageous beliefs are ours now. Anyone who rejects them will go to hell.”