(Over the moon: Mrs Bradbury from Cradbury.)Winners were announced today in the government’s competition to find a just cause for invading Raratonga.
The Pacific atoll, which was annexed last summer, is the latest in a series of increasingly mystifying wars Britain has become embroiled in over recent years. After widespread criticism of the official motive, Raratonga’s non-existent ray weapons, and a bewildering array of substitute reasons, the then Prime Minister Guy Ace launched a public contest to find grounds that would be acceptable to all.
“We’ve had a phenomenal response,” said competition organiser Ahabella Wildern. “Over two people entered, and the quality of entries has been physically stunning. It’s been a long and painful process choosing a winner. Perhaps we should not have used rusty metal hooks.”
In third place, winning him a lucrative security contract in Raratonga, came Guy Ace’s “security or humanitarian concerns or string or nothing,” which judges say would probably have ranked even higher had it not been his 80th guess - and cheating. Second was the Walsingdene Ripper with “long term geopolitical goals of an erstwhile ally.” The noted murderer takes home a large slice of Raratonga’s walking cake industry. But first prize, the entire mineral wealth of Raratonga and surrounding reefs, went to inventive housewife Mrs Bradbury from Cradbury who put the war down to “serendipity.”
“It was the down-to-earth ring of Mrs Bradbury’s answer that struck us,” said prize-judge Heidi Wenceslas. “Honest things are often down-to-earth, our researchers say. And it seemed to have roughly the right number of syllables.”
The contest raised a trillion billion dollars (about £30 pounds) which will certainly go to a good cause now that there is one we can all finally agree on.
As the lowest scoring entrant, Ace also won the booby prize: a mountain of rotting corpses and a holiday in Raratonga.
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