Subtlety First for London’s The Newspaper

London’s The Newspaper newspaper surprised critics today by introducing into one of its articles a note of ambivalence. For the first time in its 120 year history, the popular tabloid broadsheet granted that there might be two sides to a story.

The break with tradition comes ten months into the Whilmsley Pre-School siege. Till now, editors have been outspoken in their support for the SAS men’s right to let off steam in any way they choose, even launching an appeal to buy electric eye-gougers for the high-spirited lads currently holed up in the Suffolk playgroup.

The paper has repeatedly slammed claims that the soldiers “lost it” during last year’s Armistice Night revelries as “political correctness gone feral.” It successfully sued for treason the parents of one little girl who objected to their daughter being used as a human egg-timer, and successfully flayed alive a paediatrician who minded his patient being used as a human hungry hippo.

But a steady stream of readers’ letters forced them to concede that residents have rights too: to a good night’s sleep.

“It’s... difficult,” said editor Roy Sportson, “getting your head around two whole things at once. On the one hand, they are our boys. But then there’s house prices to consider. The horrendous screams are potentially off-putting, both to first-time buyers and to the experienced home-hunter. Some of our shareholders have a lot of dough invested in that village; some have even invested money.”

But Sportson reassured readers that today’s leader would not set “some kind of ghastly precedent. Tomorrow we lead on bisexualism; there’s no two ways about that.”