Bogus Births

If current trends continue, taxpayers will be picking up the ‘bill’ for seven billion bogus births set to flood the country over the next 500 years!

That’s the stark truth issued today by self-appointed think-tank Contagion Squared who predict that Britain could be swamped by bogus babies, many of whom will grow into completely bogus people with no existence at all outside of this very statistic, let alone ones with a legitimate reason to stay in this country and be moulded into individuals here.

Opposition Leader, Mr Owl S. Owl’s-Howl Miawl, Saint, has called the potential flooding and swamping “potentially disastrous,” and, in a statement issued later jointly by his own dead body and head, “potentially very wrong indeed.”

The figures will come as a blow for a Home Office already reeling from a spate of tenuousness scandals, including a leaked biro which cast doubt on the ground, the shock announcement that Scotland is a myth, and culminated badly in yesterday’s admission that there never was a prison service. Religious leaders have been quick to point the finger at serpents, “because they are so slippery and slithery!” But according to Prime Minister Bzildarrk X-114 ‘The Destroyer’ Turpinson, root causes are to blame.