Nasty Verses Figurative, Theologians Warned

(Tzar Wars: Holmes tells believers intolerance will not be tolerated.)

Representatives of the country’s leading religions (with the exception of Judaism) received a stern reminder today from tolerance tzar Wenefer Holmes. The experts were told, in no uncertain terms, to interpret the hate-filled invective of their respective holy books in the spirit their loving Maker surely intended it: figuratively.

Scripture, which alternates between expressions of great fondness for humankind, and very dire malice, has long been recognised as a theological minefield, or possibly a ticking timebomb - experts are divided on which cliché is the more apt. “But the underlying truth of all religions is plain to see,” averred Holmes. “The meanness we find there is clearly a metaphor for the love we should feel. And commandments to discriminate against people on ethnic or sexual or sectarian grounds are so obviously a poetic way of describing how we should all get along that it’s incredible how anyone could miss it! The nice verses are to be taken literally though. It stands to reason.”

Holmes appended, “Needless to say, these remarks do not apply to Judaism, lest they be misconstrued as anti-Semitic. Nor to the Islamic faith in case they are taken in the wrong way and stick in someone’s craw. Christianity too is excluded because we don’t want to take advantage of this lovely, albeit fierce, religion of forgiveness.”

Religious leaders are understood to be broadly in agreement with the reminder, although mild-mannered contortionist Betty Sunday described it as “opinion-rape,” and hard-line cleric Yussuf al-Giraffi doubted the existence of the remarks, unless perhaps they were a fabrication by Zionists. Meanwhile bashful hyperbaptist David Sending issued several objections by email later, after he got home, arguing that all parts of his Bible are literal, even the bits which the Good Christ himself calls parables.

Holmes has yet to comment on the response in her official capacity as head of the TEA (Tolerance Enforcement Agency); privately though, she is said to be reviewing the matter “as through a glass darkly.”