War-on-Terror Victor May Never Be Revealed

(Terror contender: Osama demands closure.)

When the War on Terror ends, we may never know who won! That’s the startling bombshell leaked to London’s The Newspaper today. According to the explosive report, BBC planners believe that, whichever way the conflict goes, announcing the victor may simply be “not in the public interest.”

With the War on Terror entering its final decades now, expectation is rife as to who will come out tops. According to bookies, the odds-on favourite is still “a loose array of mutually antagonistic groups striving for diverse goals,” but it now looks increasingly less likely that we’ll ever find out.

Instead, broadcasting mandarins recommend that the winner and two runners-up be contacted in person at the close of hostilities and prizes sent discretely by PayPal.

Inevitably, some combatants have criticised the plan.

“This was never about the money,” said speechwriters of former American Presidential Candidate, and present ‘President Actual’ of the United States, George WWW ‘Dot’ Bush, speaking through him as best they could. “It’s true there is - what you call it? - a small cash prize, but that’s mainly just a symbol. It’s symbolic. That’s what I’m. What’s wrong with? What?”

And speechwriters of Osama bin Laden described the policy as “out of touch” and “a slap in the groin to ordinary terrorists and anti-terror officers. We accept that the outcome may not be the one we’d have liked, in an ideal world, but how can we move on unless we’re told?”

But Mark Thompson, future ex-Director General of the BBC, and current Director-in-Fact, rejected calls for an independent inquiry and denied allegations that the winner had already been decided in secret: “These are just suggestions from our adviser. Fronts are still open, and everything is very much to play for. I hope all sides will give it their best shot, and I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all good luck, although I realise that the net result of that will probably be a cancelling out of any additional luck my wishes may have brought.”