Bin Laden Not Crazy Enough: US

(Left: artist’s impression of what Bin Laden ought to look like.)

Conservative voices have been strangely muted today following Osama bin Laden’s latest video release, in which the father of fifty spoke warmly of fellow monotheist George W Bush. The terror-lord lambasted Bush as “a devout individual who does not shy away from tough decisions.” Controversially, Sir Usama praised the American decision to invade Iraq, which he called an Islamic state “in name only.”

The Saudi supervillain was still unsure whether he’d ordered the 9/11 attacks, but vowed to try hard to remember for next time. He went on to identify an overlap of interests between Muslim extremists and Western big business: “the Mujahideen are striving for much the same thing as the agents of kafir colonialism, albeit for different reasons,” and confounded critics by doing a little dance.

US Defense Secretary Dick Cheney described the overlap as “troubling,” and the dance as “troublingly sprightly,” while memoirist Donald Rumsfeld said he wished the holy warrior could have rambled more and been more “off the wall.”

Tora Bora’s ‘have-a-go-hero’ also found common ground with liberals, denouncing capitalism in no uncertain terms. The anti-globalisation movement is said to be reconsidering its sympathy towards the oppressed of the world, in the light of Bin Laadin’s self-styled support.

“Global warming is a fact,” recalled One Earth campaigner Mittenglove Clithero, “and the overwhelming consensus is that it’s man-made - or so we thought. But if OBL agrees, clearly our science is wrong. Or perhaps it would be wiser to destroy our planet after all? The dance was very nice.”

Israeli ambassador Mordechai Schwarzgerät confessed to horror when he heard the sheikh’s stand against anti-Semitism and the crime of Holocaust denial: “I’ve struggled my whole life against this pernicious creed. But if Osama opposes it too, I don’t have a leg to stand on.” Meanwhile Britain’s The Newspaper newspaper reluctantly abandoned its ‘eye-for-an-eye’ approach to justice: “In the light of current developments, we feel that would be an insensitive view to hold,” conceded editor Roy Sportson.

“I suppose he knows best,” muttered Mrs Bradbury from Cradbury, Wilts., who had her neck blown off by the terror group, “but I wish I had my neck back.”