LONDON: The ghost of a respected suicide bomber was taken into custody in London today following what is believed to have been an attempted fraudulent purchase at London toy shop.“I just don’t know what it was thinking,” said London toy shop employee, Helen Skills. “One minute it was counting out 10ps, the next it flashed this credit card at me. But the pin number was all wrong. It had far too many digits. And the card wasn’t even plastic; it was cardboard and folded open like a book. And they weren’t even proper numbers, most of them, but letters which spelt out the words ‘Happy Birthday Helen’. It was a crime waiting to happen. I just had to report it.”
“The ghoul’s behaviour had us stumped,” line manager Derek Gloin confessed. “At first I thought it might be some form of flexibility or teamwork. But who can say what goes through their minds?” And forensic toymaker Bill Memory admitted to having no soundbite on the case.
The spectre, which is widely respected in extremist circles for its community work and cheeky grin, is reportedly serene tonight after a gruelling four hours’ questioning by police spiritualists, and was released in absentia on police bail. In a press statement, the former martyr’s lawyer declared, “Although my client is an avowedly evil spirit, it is opposed to the taking of human life, except in self-defence, which it defines broadly to include funny looks and apostasy. It is not, however, violent. Not in any sense that it accepts.”
Said London Police Chief, May Day-Heigh, “We are not, knowingly, pressing any charges at this current time, not as we define charges, although we reserve the right to do so, and may already have done so, conceivably, although it is hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes... Sometimes I almost feel...”
“We are considering all options,” interjected Assistant Chief Lombard quickly.
One Transformer was recovered from the scene. It was destroyed later by army specialists who melted its face to an unrecognisable mass with an army lighter, then went down to London pond, then threw it in the pond, then threw bangers at babies on London’s popular London Common, near the pond, but then got a right bollocking off some geezer on the common, which was a right laugh, then they all got bored cos there was nothing to do, yea? So they fucked off home for tea. Later, Home Secretary Michael Middlemass pushed through a bill that changed the definition of bangers to “bad guys” and that of babies to “Saint Elmo’s fire”, so that now this never happened. The soldiers’ mums agreed though that they were all “good boys at heart,” and their bosses that they were all “bad apples.”
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