We Forgot Recipe: Munitions Experts

Army munitions experts confessed today, after a week of glum speculation, that they simply “forgot” how to mix a key military recipe.

Joint Forces Command is appealing for anyone who remembers the recipe, which is for a secret ingredient, to come forward. The ingredient, nicknamed ‘Green Florence’ - or ‘Excoriating Flo’ for short - is a key element of fire bombs used to flush out enemies and instil anger into would-be enemies.

Although banned by the UN, it has been an important weapon in the War on Terror, albeit one whose existence was hitherto denied. The ingredient, which is designed to strip living flesh from the bone, has been used extensively in the War on Terror: in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Somalia, the Philippines, Switzerland, Peru - as part of the British army’s earthquake relief efforts there - and, briefly, in Cheshire for crowd control after Cheshire Constabulary were accidentally sent some in the post. No one was prosecuted over the mistake, and excitable toddler Josh did admit to getting a bit boisterous on the trampoline.

In an ironic twist, General Forces HQ still has blueprints for the noxious weapon; unfortunately, they are just too secret to read.

But the experts are confident that someone out there can help them: “We instructed many extremists in its use during the 1980s, and we know that young people often collect unexploded ordnance to play with, particularly those with a reckless streak. It’s almost certain that some of them would have worked out the recipe by now, either by trial - or, failing that - error. Naturally all contacts will be treated in the strictest confidence, such as we reserve for our own whistleblowers.”