The name of the royal at the centre of a blackmail scandal accidentally slipped out in court, as hamfisted lawyers struggled to manhandle the judicial name-basket onto its golden stand for the fifth day of a trial that has cost the British taxpayer three fighter jets, 20 000 man-hours of lying still in Marbella, half a winter minute of net life expectancy, and one good night’s sleep.The mystery royal was named as Lancashire schoolboy Johnnie Valliant.
“Although Master Valliant is not a royal in the strict sense of the word, or indeed any sense,” explained Judge Justice Aslan Phelps, “referring to him thus was the only way to protect his identity from classmates. We respect the media’s love of Truth, and we know that they respect important people’s privacy.”
The instructive fable received a mixed reaction in the British press. The Daily Mail gave away free posters with a blow-up of the troubled youngster captioned, “Johnnie Valliant is queer.” The Star lead with: “Pervy Johnnie too poor to sue.”
Meanwhile brave reporters from The Sun scored a terrific scoop; that is, when they successfully scooped out the eyes of talented pariah Pete Doherty, with the help of an old lag, while the ailing singer slept. Doherty is currently serving a 15 year sentence in Wormwood Scrubs gaol for preferring different drugs to the ones the Home Secretary likes.
But that didn’t stop reporters in their quest for the Truth.
“The old lag let us in through a back door to the prison Health Care Centre where the roustabout rocker was being treated for scalds after an attack by other old lags, which itself was predicted by The Sun,” bragged reporter Elvin McKay.
“We had them out in no time: me scraping my spoon around the junky jailbird’s sockets – scritch-scratch, scritch-scratch – the lag slurping them into a carrier bag before guards could work up the enthusiasm to stop us. Later we cornered Potty Pete’s ex, the druggie dopermodel Kate Moss, and tricked her into tasting some novelty salt-favoured jam, heh heh. You should have seen the look on his little boy’s face when we showed him the snaps and told him what had happened, then punched him up good in front of his poor old mum, then danced a merry jig. I forget why.”
Apologising later, McKay said, “What? Okay, mistakes were made. But let’s be absolutely clear about this: the blinding and the killing represented a small proportion of my activity on that day. Besides, if Poles had been a bit more naughty that day, or Rumanians more darstardly, I’d never had to stoop so low.”
Valliant refused to comment. He is currently being investigated by West Midlands Serious Fraud Squad for falsely confessing to the crime of false confession, in connection with the same investigation as itself, after his lawyers learnt he wasn’t even vaguely related to a millionaire Head of State, and quit.
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