Royal Scandal

(You heinous chancers.)

Two chancers have been convicted today of attempting to blackmail an unnamed member of the royal family. The chancers threatened to reveal that the royal, who has no name, regularly extorts a portion of every Briton’s livelihood on the pretext that he is distantly related to an 11th century invader.

Speaking in grave tones, Judge Justice Barry Posilippo-Philippus warned the two that they were guilty of a most heinous threat which was “a horrible one to make,” he said, “to any member of the royal family, but especially to a man already suffering the indignity of namelessness. This offence is one of the ugliest and most vicious crimes in the calendar of criminal offences, and one of the dirtiest and hideousest felonies in the almanac of criminal misdeeds. What has the member of the royal family ever done to you chancers, apart from robbing you legally with the help of his power and privilege, thereby corrupting the very idea of justice in this land from the top down, to say nothing of the impact on healthcare? You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Unless the anonymous nobleman paid them a fraction of his loot, the chancers hinted by their tones of voices, they would go to the press. Unfortunately for them, it was unwittingly to agents of the nameless grandee’s state that the threat was implied, while those agents entrapped the chancers after first beguiling them.

The royal is understood to have been particularly vulnerable to such a threat, partly because of his guilt, but mainly due to personal insecurities surrounding the fact that, unlike most royals, he isn’t called anything. According to palace sources, the boy was to have received a name in Westminster Cathedral, in the normal way, but a clergyman, drunk on the love of God, got one of the words wrong – so badly wrong, in fact, that the baptism just didn’t take.

“We thought we saw the signs of a name starting to develop around the age of six,” said servants, “but it turned out to be just a pet name that he quickly grew out of. Oh, what a to-do-ment!”

The chancers are currently in Broadbell High Security Prison for the Criminally Untitled, waiting for their luck to change.

Members of the public are advised to direct their prurience at a less well connected target: a foreigner perhaps, or a poorly singer?