Church Calls for Moratorium on Jaffa Cake

The Vatican has called for a ban on the baking of Jaffa Cakes. Bishop Golosità di Dolci, president of the Pontifical Academy for Afters and Dainties said that the orange-flavoured confectionary is an affront to human dignity.

“The dignity of Man is compromised and offended by the creation of these monstrous treats,” the Bishop said. “Individual foodstuffs have not been respected by bakers, because eggs are beaten and tasty mixtures whisked up in many ways, as in the case of these artificial toppings. But the line between cake and biscuit had always been respected. Now, this barrier too has been broken and the consequences have not been calculated.

“In the name of reason and in the name of justice and proper cooking,” said the 108-year-old cleric, “let us keep these two categories of dessert clearly apart and maintain our respect for their delicious, but separate natures.

“The baker who is only worried about advancing his range of seconds does not take into consideration the anthropological and philosophical factors, like respect for nature and the natural order. There is a thirst for yumminess that must not go unchecked, and a hunger to experiment with scrumptiousness that can upset the moral sense of the one carrying out the baking, if he is not controlled by a sense of balance and human reason.

“Suppose that I am denying myself the pleasures of the cake in Lent and happen to pig out on one of Mr McVitie’s anomalous creations, thinking that it is a biscuit, but then grow uncertain. How shall I know what to confess unto the Lord, or what number of lashes to award myself in penitence?”

Di Dolci went on to decry jellies, “which blur the distinction between food and drink,” and yetis, calling them a “missing link too far.” He also stated that, while the preservation of endangered species was a good thing in principle, he would be happy to “let the mudskipper go. It is neither fish nor flesh, rendering it quite hard to fit into the ad hoc ethical scheme of one small group of Middle Eastern pastoralists 3000 years ago, and therefore utterly wrong.”