Following distinguished army careers last week, Princes William and Harry are to become doctors today, palace sources have announced.Prince William, the elder and therefore more important prince, has just completed a crash course at London’s Royal Medical College. Remarkably, the hardworking heir managed to gain his ophthalmic surgeon’s licence in just four days; it takes a common student four years to learn!
Doctor ‘Wills’ will be performing trabeculotomies (cutting the fibers of the trabecular meshwork to allow aqueous fluid to flow more freely from the eye) and iridotomies (making puncture-like openings through the iris) using a combination of scalpel and argon laser.
“An electron microscope will allow His Royal Highness to see what he’s doing,” said ophthalmologist Dr. Ahmed Chaudhry. “So he can’t go far wrong. But still, it’s demanding work, unbelievably delicate. A very brave thing to turn one’s hand to, especially at such short notice.”
Doctor Harry’s duties, meanwhile, will involve demolishing cratefuls of spare herceptin with a golden sledgehammer, to prevent them falling into the hands of non-millionaires.
For security reasons, special hospitals have been custom built for each of the princes out of onyx on secret tropical islands. Both are currently standing unused, waiting for the philanthropic youths to arrive, as something else must have cropped up in their hectic social schedule this morning. But health bosses say the state-of-the-art centres will be very convenient for them once they do come.
It is hoped the quality of the semiprecious crystal is high enough. Otherwise new ones will have to be constructed somewhere else.
“But it will still be worth it,” the BBC revealed, explaining that the privileged twosome will boost moral among real NHS staff “no end.”
When their stint is over at the end of the week, Prince William has generously vowed to auction off his monogrammed scalpels for flood relief, while Prince Harry is raffling his golden hammer.
“One lucky AIDS sufferer is in for a smashing treat!” he told reporters. When asked what good that would do he replied, “Gosh, I don’t know. He or she can put it on their mantelpiece or use it as a symbol of excellence?”
“The taxpayer can rest assured of getting value for money though,” Health Minister Alan Johnson said, blinking away a tear of gratitude. “With royals, that’s a given.”
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