The British Bludgeoners’ Association is to speak to school children in a unique pilot scheme designed to combat knife crime.“A hefty blow to the temples or a few good wallops on the top of the head is every bit as effective as a stabbing,” said Sir Burt Whack, Chief Bludgeoner for Norfolk. “I think these days, in our world of gee-wiz gadgets and instant gratification, we sometimes seem to forget that. It may not be as romantic as plunging nine inches of honed steel into an enemy classmate’s heart, but it does the job, and – most important – the Daily Newspaper won’t mind so much.”
“It is imperative that we reduce the proportion of violent deaths in Britain that are caused by knives to a level that will send the Daily Newspaper back to grumbling about foreigners,” agreed Equalisations Minister Harriet Harman.
It is hoped that the talks, which will emphasise the old-world charm of a good clobbering, will appeal especially to the more athletic kids.
“It’s come to a sorry pass,” said Whack, “when these natural lords of the playground can’t even kick a fat boy repeatedly in the groin over a series of months without fear of having their gizzards slit.”
The government has given the scheme a cautious thumbs up.
“We think it must be working,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “as only one of our ministers lost a thumb to knife crime during the second-long approval. Of course, it would be better if young people limited their aggressive instincts to the M16 assault rifle and stinger missiles deployed through the official channels, but cudgelling is a start.”
Pupils of Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, admitted to being impressed by the elderly killer’s demonstration of blunt trauma, and promised to “give it a go.”
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