Pupils and teachers at Saint Uncumber’s School, Ghoul, will be holding their breath today in a courageous bid to stave off all climate change, good and bad.There’ll be purple faces all round at Morgan, Morgan, Morgan & Morgans & Partners LLP, Brighton, as the personal injury solicitors stop dispensing free legal advice for sixty seconds of much needed environmental first aid.
Staff at Walmart, Claxton, will be foregoing doctor’s warnings and staging a minute’s non-respiration for the sake of the homeworld. Customers are expected to join in, although it is recommended that under fives stick to half a minute, perhaps slapping themselves about the face and buttocks for the remaining 30 seconds, as a way of saying sorry to the planet for being born human.
“Think of the CO2 reductions we’ll make,” said line manager, Marie Scaulding, “at least until we start breathing again.”
The synchronised gesture is scheduled to begin at 11:00 British Summer Time, and will end – if all goes according to plan – at 11:01 hundred hours.
Also taking part are, Jacko’s Gang, an informal association of eight- and nine-year-olds from King’s Lynn, who have vowed not to fart for the minute, in an effort to reduce methane emissions.
“We’ll give it a shot,” said Jacko, “for the sake of the planet. It’s gonna be hard though, so I en’t makin’ any promises.”
Get involved! Log in to our website to see how you can do your bit. One minute of global anoxia will retard the El Niño effect by up to 0.000 000 001 seconds, two minutes will lessen the impact of drought in Africa by almost twice that, so what are you waiting for?!
Note: members of the public encountering anyone who has realised the coming necessity of global climate engineering – or, still worse, begun making provisions for it – are advised to treat them as strictly human interest and a bit of light relief. Keep half filling your kettle and collecting that tinfoil. It is not a sticking plaster. Close your eyes, wish hard, and repeat to yourself: it is not.
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