(The Murder Cross: Britain’s highest accolade.)A crate of medals airlifted into Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand province may have fallen into enemy hands, Ministry of Defence sources have revealed.
According to the shock revelation, which emerged during a drunken late-night game of truth-or-dare between generals and reporters, the decorations were dropped last week over British lines in a bid to incentivise sullen troops. But it now looks increasingly likely that the only soldiers reaping motivational rewards this fighting season will be Her Majesty’s implacable foes, the Taliban.
“These laurels were literally priceless,” said disgruntled ex-General Sir Toby Montague-Snares. “Their loss will be a kick in the button-hole to our little boys, and they will make our enemies immensely proud.”
The accolades and brag-rags, which have a street value of half a million euros, are thought to include 10 Murder Crosses, 10 Big Badges of Courage, 10 Little Badges of Lesser Courage, 21 Orders of the Garters of St. Boniface of Nîmes, 41 Tin Hearts of Fortitude, 51 Brown Patches of Gallantry, 9 Fairy Garlands, 2 ‘Merits’, 2 Honourable Mentions, a Nutter’s Star and up to 900 Courtesy Rub-Ons.
“With that lot, there’s no knowing what magnificent deeds our foes may accomplish,” despaired the former warrior.
Army bosses have conceded that anyone with information as to their whereabouts will probably be shot.
“We simply have no rewards left to give,” General Sir Mandeville Saunders-Whaurour said. “Besides, anyone with such information is almost certainly one of them, and must therefore be killed on sight, unless they can buy their life by fingering at least two ‘terror suspects’, to keep our brave little boys entertained, and cover our expenses with at least a dozen more.”
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