Zero Dominance: Future Invasions to Consist of Two Men and a Flag

Following months’ of speculation, strategists at America’s prestigious Westpoint Institute for Military Sciences, Virginia, have unveiled their new doctrine for the 21st century.

“According to the Cheney Doctrine, which till now has set the benchmark for doctrines, invasions are best accomplished with a minimum of troops, and little or no afterthought,” said Professor Sir General Conan Schwarzgerät, Sir. “The latest theory just takes that a step further.”

From now on, all invasions will consist of two men and a flag.

“It’s a refinement of current fighting theory and a culmination the post-Cold War trend towards streamlining,” explained Five Star Armchair General Dirk Warg patiently. “This way, we present a smaller target to the enemy, so that even if the worst comes to the worse, and 50% or even 100% of the two are slain, their sheer number will put an effective break on additional casualties. Friendly fire will also be less of a danger.

“Besides, with fewer soldiers on the ground, our high-spirited boys can’t get up to as much mischief. If a smaller proportion of the local populace is stressed out so bad that they pass away as a result of our lads’ patriotic activities, natives are bound to be less furious at us and our lovely nation in general. And even if one of them turns out to be a bad apple, we estimate that he will not be able to rot in excess of one comrade.

“The last thing a failed state like Iraq needs right now is another large and vengeful army. They have enough of those already.

“What’s more, this is a tried and tested methodology. We successfully invaded the full moon using this technique back in 1969. And – even though troop numbers never exceeded single figures, and were soon reduced to zero – our assault on Earth’s principle natural satellite is still regarded, rightly, as a victory. If 80 quintillion tons of heavily-worn rock and fine, grey powder couldn’t stop us, what hope do one rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen who dare to oppose the rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen that we support have?”