(Models of rectitude: Pirates Bartholomew Black Bart Roberts and ‘Xyltrix’ cavort on the astral plane at the news.)Chancellor of the Exchequer Azeroth Moonchilde has unveiled a radical new scheme today: an alternative ‘bad’ currency to boost the spending of young consumers.
It is estimated that the currency, whose notes are to feature prominent malefactors in place of scientists and authors, will be up to three times cooler than the existing means of exchange, and approximately seventeen times more wicked.
Pirates and thieves will feature on the smaller denominations, although there are also expected to be a few bent coppers, and war criminals - or equivalent - on anything over a tenner.
“With the credit crunch and global recession looming, it was felt imperative to get youngsters out of meditation-parlours, book-swap schemes and free festivals, and back into the shops where they all belong,” Moonchilde decreed.
While agreeing in principle with the need to incentivise acquisitive behaviours, critics have voiced concern over the high evilness of the new currency: “I have nothing against profiteering and usury,” Archbishop Sir Alaistair Hube told congregants from his gilded pulpit. “But it does vex me deeply to see Elisabeth Fry, the Quaker philanthropist and prison-reformer, replaced on the five-pound note with Major Stede Bonnet, one of the most violent buccaneers who ever set sole to plank, and Edward Elgar (whose pastoral symphonies have given me such delight) on the 20 with the Scotch mass-cannibal Sawney Bean. But to see the £50 slot go from Imperialist warlord Sir John Houblon to occasional hemp-abuser Peony Berry from Edenbridge, Kent, makes by blood boil, truly it does.”
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