The Church of England is to allow marriages to gnomes and angels, but still not between same-sex couples. According to today’s press-release, the move will bring church-marriage kicking and screaming into the 11th century.Said Archbishop Sir Alasdair Hube, “Hark! I personally have no quarrel with the queerfolk. Aye, truly! As a Christian, I long to tolerate them. Sadly though, as a church, we must abide by the prejudices of old men in the Middle East thousands of years ago. Yet, lo! That’s not to say we can’t bring the institution of marriage bang up to date.”
However, young people are finding the traditional church wedding, with its arcane procedures, ever more outmoded. In church law, couples are required to seek the services of an imprisoned clergyman, whose pariah status permits him to sanctify the act of “Devil’s love” (sex between real people). They must then burn the ghosts of their child-selves at a ceremony known as “the Banns of Golgotha” and smear their loins with the ashes, after which they are allowed to kiss the loins of a dead man’s statue, livid with the marks of torture.
But in the age of computer games, drugs, easy access to Buddhism and science lectures on Google Video, even this is not enough to “get them in the mood”.
Under the current proposals, couples will be allowed to kiss any part of the dead man’s statue, and only have to make a small symbolic cross on their loins to remind them of Christ. The rest of the ceremony is up to them.
“We are quietly confident,” said Hube. “If successful, the scheme could be extended to pixies, succubuses and hob-houlards by as early as the first half of the next century.”
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