Conservative leader Gordon Cameron today unveiled his party’s plan to get one million coma patients back into work in their dreams.“Coma patients have it all: round the clock care, severe head injuries... No one is saying there aren’t deserving cases out there. But we have a hundred people under the age of 30 in comas in this country, many of them from deprived backgrounds. Do we really believe that they are too unconscious to work?”
Shadow Employment Secretary Jasper Basculant Devises-Dives added, “If you’re well enough to spend weeks struggling through infinite wastelands of stillness and ice, pinned under mountains, just missing school buses, glimpsing lost loves but being unable to call out to them, or screaming in impotent silent terror as you watch your friends die over and over again in the fiery conflagration that led to your condition, then surely you’re capable of holding down a proper job such as being a Shadow Employment Secretary – or, in your case, picking up shit in a dream park.”
The plan has drawn strong criticism from kinsfolk and right-thinking people. “But that’s all stuff,” Mr. Cameron counters, “as we have not heard a single objection from the patients themselves.”
It is estimated that the scheme will cost the British taxpayer not many times more than the price of not implementing it.
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