Four million cats in England and Wales alleged today that greetings given in their name over the Christmas period were delivered under false pretences.“I have a card here wishing season’s cheer to Meghan, Mat and kids (Shawn, Sean and Siân),” spat spokespuss Charlie “The Cat” Nevinson, his whiskers trembling with indignation. “Well, I think I may have met Meghan and Mat once on a flying visit five years ago, but I don’t know that I could pick them out from a crowd. I’ve never even heard of those other people. I feel nothing for them.”
“This is forgery on an unprecedented scale,” hissed ginger tom Felix Johnson. “I am supposed to have wished lots of joy to David and Sarah Barnes and every success for the coming year. Who the hairball are they? There’s love and kisses and everything. Yuck.”
Nibbles Granger, a portly tortoiseshell agreed: “Naturally I feel affection for my folks. They feed and pet me. But now they’ve forged my mark. Where is trust? What’s it to me whether Billy gets well soon? My brain simply hasn’t evolved to experience empathy on that scale.”
Millions of biro paw-prints are now with the crown prosecution service awaiting review. If DNA tests prove them fake, the Christmas industry could end up paying up to a trillion billion cat-euros (about £12 pounds) in compensation.
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