(Hain at work on constituents’ behalf in his realm of wonders.)Work-and-Pensions Secretary and Wales Czar Peter Hain has protested his ignorance of undeclared donations to the campaign fund of his deputy Labour leadership bid last year, including a “magical” kingdom worth in excess of £1 x 10^9 billion pounds.
The infinity-hectares realm, which boasts a wide spectrum of human and mythical denizens together with an undisclosed amount of buried treasure, is believed to intersect with our universe via a portal in Mr. Hain’s loft.
The Czar, who describes himself as “a pretty straight bloke”, continues to resist calls for his resignation, insisting that any imperia received were due to “administrative failings” and certainly not deliberately annexed by his fire-snorting wyvern shock-troops from impoverished peasants.
“It’s not even a very good kingdom (if it exists),” Hain said in his defence. “Although it comes with fabulous powers, allegedly, these can only be activated by a crystal. But the crystal was smashed into 50 shards by a wicked mage and scattered through the 50 zones of my world. Or so they say. Frankly I have no knowledge of any of this.”
Shadow Prime Minister David Campbell agreed that this was a possibility: “There but for the grace of...” he chortled with a roguish twinkle, discretely brushing crystal-dust from his kabbalistic robes.
“And,” added Hain, “while it’s true I do seem to have an army of zombie slave-fauns at my bidding, a mithril chariot and 200 hobbit concubines, there’s nothing too illegal about that, and besides I just don’t know about it. I am equally unsure as to whether the hobbits’ eyes have been replaced with diamonds, each weighing 120 metric carats and scintillating at soirées with a delightful iridescence. I have simply never looked that closely.”
“Could be, could be,” murmured the Campbell between mantras, an enigmatic half-smile playing across his lips.
Police investigating the world say their work is being “totally hampered” by spells and bad curses.
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