(Traumatastic: Joshua’s girlfriend Buttons weeps with pride at the news of how well he served his master.)Prince Harry, is said to be delighted today after his personal dwarf was found alive and well in Afghanistan’s notorious Helmand Province.
The prince’s dwarf Joshua Bartlet, nicknamed Lucky, had been missing in the brutal warzone for three months following his master’s triumphant return from duty, and Army Bosses admitted they’d certainly have given him up for lost, if the thought had ever crossed their minds.
“Lucky is a top dwarf,” said General Sir Peregrine Daubsley-Jaundice. “I’m sure the prince would have been quite irritated if he’d never turned up.”
Fellow general, General Sir Ingram Thistle, concurred, calling him a “wonderful specimen of his type.”
Bartlet - whose chores in Afghanistan included adjusting the fractious fourth-in-liner’s cock for him when it got jiggled out of place by running around in battles, and serving as the prince’s catamite in emergencies - is reportedly ashamed not to have been able to do more for his overlord, but pleased to be home.
According to military sources, he was often obliged to fetch the celebrity grandson’s used bullets from behind enemy lines when his master overshot, and this is where he disappeared.
“There is no question that the little man didn’t give it 360% though, or that he showed cowardice in leaving his liege’s side,” military pundit Max Ray explained. “It was only thought necessary for Private Bartlet to bring in the bullets because they are made of gold - this, simply to alert other soldiers to the prince’s presence so that they can protect him better. If they were left in no man’s land, it is likely that the Taliban would collect them to sell on E-bay for a tidy sum, which would be a disgrace to the nation.”
The young retainer is believed to have survived by disguising himself as a maniac.
Taliban spokesman Agar Jelidi told reporters, “We knew all along that the prince’s dwarf was preaching among us. But unfortunately Allah the All-Compassionate in his infinite mercy protected the infidel cur from our wrath, Allah be praised! He will not be so lucky next time.”
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