(Hey guys, I just thought: why don’t we have a welly-wang instead this year? Or hot cross buns?)In a tearful ceremony today, high-profile serial killer the Walsingdene Ripper startled fans, and wrongfooted detractors, when he apologised for the crimes of his Dahomeyan ancestors.
“I offer this apology,” said the Ripper, who had already apologised many times informally, “on behalf of myself, my wife May and our unborn daughter Harriet, for their indirect role in the enslavement and destitution of the Fon people some time around the middle of the 17th century, and for the rites of mass human sacrifice inflicted yearly upon the Fon, and neighbouring tribes, by my ancestor King Wegbaja.
“For more than 100 years, Wegbaja and his successors profited by the transatlantic slave-trade, beheading thousands in the degraded rituals of their indigenous death-cult. From their throne of skulls in the fastness of Agbome, they engaged in wars of aggression against the Whydah and Allada peoples, fuelled by European arms and gold, and buried countless women alive to serve them in the afterlife.
“Some say that acknowledging such deeds is a form of ‘self hate’, but I hope that by this empty gesture I can contribute in some small way to pressuring others who happen to look a bit like me because their ancestors lived in a similar climate, into expressing their contrition too.”
However the Ripper has so far rejected calls to apologise for the brutal murder of his own neighbour, Mrs. Constance Higgins, last Tuesday, calling the decapitation and cannibalism of the 85-year-old “the right thing to do,” and denying the need for a trial.
“History will be my judge,” he said.
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