Heathrow Delays Could Be Tantamount to Armageddon: Press

(Dance crazy: impatient Britons express wrath through one of their national dances.)

The new baggage-handling system at London’s Heathrow Airport has come in for sharp criticism from the All-Party Standing Committee on Transport. The eight-man body, which comprises 16 eyes and 32 limbs, called for a full public enquiry, following chaos which left thousands stranded, and tens of thousands wishing they were involved in some way so that they could send an outraged email to the BBC.

“It was an entirely avoidable débacle,” burbled committee head, Lord Graystroke-Purple, from the eldritch mass of peers, itself a creation of the chaos, before breaking down with shrieks of, “Look at me, oh, just look at me,” and, “I’m in meltdown!”

In a statement recorded a year ago but released only today, BAA bosses conceeded that, “with hindsight, a three kilometre deep chute opening onto a pit of sulphuric acid and fire was probably not the ideal choice for a fast and efficient way of getting customers’ luggage to the right place on time.

“Neither was the use of jets of liquid magnesium shot from nozzles around the pit walls conducive to a happy outcome for travellers.

“And while the Hamadryas baboon is a beautiful and intelligent creature with a complex social structure and an endearing sense of mischief, it’s likely that, in retrospect, more docile and relaxed animals, or even specially trained human beings, would have made better staff. Our state-of-the-art computers would not have so much excrement kneaded in between the keys. There would have been less bitten throats, and less rendings-apart generally.”

Meanwhile complaints from exasperated passengers continue to swarm in.

“Thanks to BAA and the new security measures, I’ve lost my identity and my ancient liberties,” fumed one women who wished she didn’t have to remain anonymous.

“I lost my step in Nantucket,” a drowned man said.

“We were told we had two choices,” chafed racehorse Royal Asphyxia through a whisperer. “Fly while your luggage remains here, or stay put and have your stuff sent on. I opted to send Jim – that’s my rider – so he could get settled in for the big one. But now they tell me he’s somewhere in Patagonia, and I don’t know where I’ll get a replacement. That little man cost more than a tenner! And with the spurs you’re looking at twice that, but really he was priceless. I’m so annoyed, I might just have myself put down!”

Even the transport regulator, Offnod, joined calls for an investigation when it emerged that as many as three small countries may have gone lost in the system. According to strongly worded protests entered by pilots into their own private log-books as they sipped their suppertime cocoas, Liechtenstein, Djibouti and the Arapaho Nation were not on any maps today.

“It’s possible these realms have become lodged behind some other landmass, or under the legend,” BAA Underboss Severine Golemsbottom said. “They may well turn up later. The important thing to remember is that the vast majority of countries were not lost today, and the shops are running fine.”